The Last Confessions of a Goddess of Death
by Pernshinigami
Summary: Full summary inside, LightxL, mPreg later, When Light and L fall in love, Misa fixes it so that Light will never be Kira again. Years later she pays a horrible price for her protection, and asks Rem for one last favor. Someone must know the truth.....
1. Chapter 1

Confessions of a Goddess of Death

Full Summary: After finding that Light has fallen in love with L, Misa fixes it so that Light will never become Kira again. But one should not interfere with what has been fated. Years later, Misa pays a terrible price for her protection of Light and L's love, and leaves behind a written record so that someone, somewhere, will know the truth.

Notes: I love writing mPreg. I love L. I want there to be a happy ending for him and Light. And I wanted to tell a story that portrayed Misa in an unusual light. I thought that it would be better to portray her in a far more intense light than a plain old bashing would be. I'm intensely against bashing. I LOATHE BASHING.

I'm only going to continue this fanfic if you like it. If you /do/ like it, then review saying you do.

* * *

2022 – October 31st

Late evening

_Because we are amorphous, we hold that in reverence. _– Bleach, chapter 1

"It will be alright, thank you for coming to visit me." Misa said quietly. "I would have been stuck grading papers all night if you two hadn't dropped by!"

Years and years had passed since the nightmare known as Kira faded into the darkness. Misa had broken free of her modeling career, having found a calling that she preferred far better.

Teaching Journalism at the local highschool was a challenge, Misa had been in the news, not reporting it. But she'd chosen the subject because of everything she'd seen during the Kira case.

She was the only one who still knew the truth, that Light Yagami was Kira. Even Light didn't remember. Who better than she to teach children how to think for themselves, when she hadn't done so until it was almost too late? Who better than to show children how to chronicle their world, than a woman who had nearly brought that world to her knees?

"We wouldn't forget about you Misa, besides, you can't spend all your time working." Light said with a smile as he and Ryuuzaki turned to leave for the evening.

"Thank you for having us over on such short notice." Ryuuzaki said with as close to a smile as the doleful man ever got.

They had all been kind, despite her resolution, her taking up what she considered to be an important burden, shaping children to think towards the future. Despite Misa trying so hard to atone for her days as the second Kira, a shinigami is never to interfere with what has been fated.

Misa had paid a horrible price for the protection she gave Light and Ryuuzaki 'L' Lawliet. Instead of golden ripples, Misa's hair was short, permanently. A matter of just over a year before, ovarian cancer had very nearly taken her life. She was painfully thin, and there was a sense of despair, of mourning, but also of steel, in the way she held herself. She knew she was on borrowed time. Even if Light tried to be consoling, even if Ryuuzaki tried to encourage her, Misa knew that she'd been on borrowed time ever since Gelus had saved her life. She knew that that time was almost up.

"Keep fighting Misa, please?" Was Light's parting word. "It will all be alright. You don't have to stand alone."

She was alone, however much Light wanted to say she wasn't. And she had a job to do.

Rem swept in through the wall to visit, backwinging to a stop, as she always did at night. Misa played with the tiny ornament on her worktop. It was a peace crane, made from the slip of the Deathnote that Rem had used to contact her, the day that everything turned on a hinge, the day that Misa protected Light and L and ended the Kira case once and for all.

It was her treasure, it was her symbol. It was a reminder of everything she had suffered and everything she had dedicated herself too.

"Misa, I heard that Light and L had been here." Rem said evenly.

"Yeah, they went home. I'll tell them you said hi though." Misa said with a smile. "Come here, I want to show you something."

Misa opened a pale blue college notebook. She'd chosen it for its resemblance to the deathnote she knew so well. On the inside cover she'd had a picture from soon after Higuchi had been captured. Light was trying to get Ryuuzaki to smile, Matsuda had a cheesy grin on his face. Light's father was trying to take one of those polite expressions one did when they took pictures. Rem was crouched next to her. Aizawa and Mogi looked impatient. Watari stood behind Ryuuzaki and next to Light's father Soichiro. Near and Mello were crouched next to Misa. Near looked as indifferent as always, and Mello had a chocolate bar hanging out of his mouth, a look of suspicious resentment on his face.

Light looked rather unusual in that picture. For starters he wasn't wearing his usual prim trousers and oxford shirt. He was wearing a zip up pullover and loose jeans. Misa knew why, her face curling in a smile. "The twins are almost in highschool Rem, do you think they'll be in my class? Light wanted to send them there. And Leigh is just entering middleschool.

The use of the Deathnote had changed Light's anatomy, after all, shinigami and humans had different energy wavelengths, its this difference in energy that allows shinigami to pass their eyesight to humans. But occasionally, in cases as extreme as Light's, other forms of transformation occurred.

Bottom line, Light and Ryuuzaki had four children. Liam and Lyra were twins, Leigh was just a little younger, and Lucas was just turning ten, conceived just after the case had concluded in 2012, in fact, Lucas's birthday was tomorrow. Misa had a present picked out for him. An antique Go set, so that the little strategist (Lucas insisted that he wanted to go pro,) didn't have to use a plastic playmat and large quarter sized stones.

"You have done a good job watching over them all this time. I doubt any shinigami could have done better."

All four Yagami children had befriended one of the shinigami that they'd met over the course of the case. Ryuk enjoyed teasing Lyra, who alternated between being annoyed with him and joking with him. The girl always made sure that Ryuk had plenty of apples, even finding apple flavored foods for him to try. Mirai was probably the only one to consistently coax a smile out of Liam, and despite her somewhat ditsy and carefree personality she could talk technology well enough that really only Liam or his parents could understand what they were talking about. Hisui stood guard over Leigh, her fierce appearance meshing with the headstrong girl's temper. And Lucas's fondness for strategy games had earned him a firm friendship with Ryuk's friend Zelogi.

The foursome had not, EVER given up their deathnotes to any of the children. And Light and Ryuuzaki never said much about the nightmare known simply as "The Kira Years."

Misa turned on the radio near her desk, the music all tinny since the clock radio was so old. It was far different from her desk when she was the second Kira. THAT desk had been littered with makeup, jewelery, fashion magazines, and yes, antique or fancy writing implements. She still had some of those, and it was one of these she picked up.

_In the dark we're the same  
In the concept of time  
We're like a grain in the sand  
And we sprout from the flame  
As if death was a rain  
'Cause we can not understand _

"Rem, I'm writing the whole story, all of it, in this book. I want you to take it, count five decades after Light and Ryuuzaki die, 50 years. So that they never find out what truly happened, then the way Ryuk did Sidoh's notebook, drop it in the world of the living. Someone, somewhere, needs to know. Someone, somewhere, needs to remember the truth, long after the three of us are gone, something, somewhere, must prove that we've existed."

_How I wish there was a heaven  
All for one and one for all  
A flawless soul society  
Our lives are just a fragment  
Of the universe and more  
There may be more than we can see _

"Misa……" Rem said quietly. "You're going to be alright, you beat it months ago. Remember? You won't be ill anymore."

"Don't lie to me Rem….. you always did so so well. I know that I was living on borrowed time in the first place. You don't need to say anything, just be here. And someone, it doesn't matter when, someone must know the whole story. DON'T tell Light and L, please? They're happier not knowing."

_How I could I be condemned  
For the things that I've done  
If my intentions were good  
I guess I'll never know  
Some things under the sun  
Can never be understood_

"Alright." Rem said quietly. "I will do this for you."

Misa turned around, the chair toppling over, and she threw her arms around Rem. "Thank you!"

It was kind of sad, or pathetic, or maybe just plain strange. Rem was, for Misa, mother and sister and best friend all at once.

"If your time is borrowed, then you have a story to tell." Rem reminded her, and there was affection in her voice. _Misa has grown, I would never in a million lifetimes have thought this was the road she'd take._

"Right……" Misa sat at the table, adjusted her shoulders, picked up one of her ornamental pens, and began to write.

_My name is Misa Amane, it has been many years now since the end of the reign of the monster known as Kira. It was widely believed that there was a mastermind behind it, a single person spreading his influence over two continents and with five individual Deathnotes under his sway. _

_What is not widely known is the whole story. The story that began with the man known as Light Yagami, the detective who pulled him from the darkness, Ryuuzaki Lawliet, and me._

_I was the second Kira, I was the one who ended it once and for all, turning the case in a direction that no one would have seen coming. It was the love I had for Light, and the will to protect him and others that I cared about, that slew the demon known as Kira. Yet despite laying such a beast low, I have paid a horrible price for my sins before destroying utterly the monster who brought the world to its knees. _

_My name is Misa Amane, these are the last confessions of a goddess of death. _

* * *

**Years before……**

Light had a matter of hours before he would go into confinement. He hadn't eaten, he had simply stayed quiet, putting on his act of the concerned, slightly freaked out youth.

L seemed to be buying it so far. "Well then, Light, we have a few hours to prepare. You'll come with me if you please." L had Light in handcuffs and turned him around, steering him out the door to the floor beneath them.

Light figured he was probably going to be given one last meal, one quick shower, and a few hours rest before he was put in the cell at sundown.

And being steered towards the broom closet instead had him raising an eyebrow. "Ryuuzaki where are we…… HEY!!" The light got clicked on, the door locked.

"Light….." Ryuuzaki said quietly, "I don't know what to make of you. You are brilliant, selfish, slightly egotistical, and probably the only person I've met who's as smart as I am."

Light blinked in surprise.

"And it hurts me to say this now, because it has always been…… intelligence that has attracted me more than anything." Ryuuzaki did loosen the cuffs. "And you are very…… intelligent."

But it wasn't for the reason Light thought he was. Ryuuzaki's lips met his, Light blinked in surprise, flushing at the kiss. Before he knew what he was doing, he kissed back, tentatively returning the gesture. Ryuuzaki's hands roamed over his frame, and Light would have done the same if his hands weren't cuffed. He was able to arch his body into the other's, nuzzling Ryuuzaki's neck, still somewhat stunned at this sudden action.

When the kiss broke, Light flushed in embarrassment. "I…… I don't understand I……" _What's wrong with me?? He's the enemy. Why am I…… oh but this feels good._

Ryuuzaki chuckled. "What does it look like…… Raito-kun. I really don't like having to lock you up. You grew on me." Ryuuzaki's hands were wandering over his body, and Light was blushing furiously.

Uhuh. Light was more interested in the detective's hands on his body. Those hands moving delicately over his back and chest seemed to know exactly the right way to touch him to make him feel so good the way he was, and his mind wasn't exactly focused on much else besides that. He went hard very quickly, groaning and submitting utterly to the touch.

Then Ryuuzaki reached for Light's belt. Light froze, and Ryuuzaki paused. "Light?"

"eehh…… if we're going to be…… doing this. Wouldn't a bed be better than a closet?" Light blushed. "I er…… haven't…… ah……"

Ryuuzaki smirked. "Of course, don't try to escape however."

"Like I'd try to escape /this/ turned on?" Light was still blushing as he followed Ryuuzaki towards one of the rooms.

Ryuuzaki snorted, "here……" he locked the door before a cuffed Light could fumble for it.

"Uuuuuh, how am I supposed to get undressed cuffed?" Light was very amused by this. He knew that he would not be in a position to kill Ryuuzaki for a long time, he was actually having fun. And he was going to get laid in the process. Which would ensure that he definitely would get close to Ryuuzaki. If this could be a routine thing, he might be able to get close enough to……

Ryuuzaki snickered, unlocking one cuff for Light to undo his shirt, then repeated the process with the other hand. "Not very trusting are you? Or are the cuffs a fetish of yours?" Light joked.

"though you claim that you will not run otherwise…… engaged……" There was an appreciative look in the detective's eyes. "Its best to take precautions……"

Precautions? "I knew it, you have a fetish for handcuffs." The two circled each other, now naked and both taking in each other's bodies.

Light looked the detective over, leggy yes, skinny as a rake, yes. But it was clear that he had muscle, and there was something subtly attractive about him. And he was hung, very well hung.

Ryuuzaki eyed Light, highly intelligent, lean and muscled. Immaculately groomed, attractive. He wanted to touch, kiss and ravage every inch he could see. Light was pretty well endowed himself, not only was he cute, he was easy to get a rise out of, and adorable when he reacted.

Suddenly the two rushed each other, not out of aggression, but out of sheer sexual lust. Light's motions were still tentative, but just as fervent and bordering on demanding.

The tangle fell into the bed, the two men rolling end over end in a tussle for position. Light wasn't planning on winning right then. He was still a virgin, genius he might be, but he didn't know the finer points of sex. After all, wasn't the inexperienced one supposed to bottom? Or something like that?

And right then he just wanted to get laid.

There was complimentary scented lotion in the drawer by the bed. Light ended up on his back on the bed, sienna eyes glazed with lust. Light Kira was not only lusting for his would be capturer, he was hungry for him. It was as if an animal was clawing to get out inside him.

Ryuuzaki pulled back, eyes ravaging over Light's body. The young killer was hot, covered with sweat, fevered with passion. Ryuuzaki slicked his fingers with lotion. "Hold still, relax your lower body."

A slick digit slipped inside him, Light groaned, spreading his legs wider. Ryuuzaki slipped a second finger inside, grabbing a leg for purchase. Light's breath hitched, head back, face flushed. Ryuuzaki scissored his fingers steadily, slickening, stretching, and then clever fingers found that one, sweet spot and Light yowled in pleasure. He almost came right then and there, "Ryuuzaki……" Light panted.

Ryuuzaki leaned in, pulling Light into an absolutely mind shattering kiss. In the same moment he slid inside, penetrating Light before the other could register the thrust. Light cried out, panting hard as his mind slowly caught up to the present.

Ho man, Light felt like he'd been split in half. The pain slowly faded, and he wriggled a little, adjusting to the other's fit.

Ryuuzaki had to try very hard not to pound into Light right then and there. He wanted Light to enjoy this, the other was so tight! It was maddening.

"Alright…… go on……" Light husked. Eyes raking the detective over.

Eyes dull black with lust, Ryuuzaki nodded, pulling partway out, then pushing back in.

Light hauled the detective down onto him, legs spread to allow him deeper access. Ryuuzaki only paused a moment, realizing that Light wanted body contact. The detective rolled his hips, escalating his thrusts. Light clung to him, needing him to hit that……

Ryuuzaki hit his prostate and Light gasped, eyes shooting wide open. He started thrusting back, arching to meet Ryuuzaki's thrusts. Each one hit that point inside of him. Groaning, growling, Light urged him, harder, faster……

Something inside him bruised, tore maybe, just as he came, hard. Light screamed in pleasure. Shuddering violently, his grip on Ryuuzaki tightening.

Ryuuzaki continued thrusting until he came a moment later, rolling his hips against Light's to help him ride out his orgasm. Ryuuzaki kissed Light, lazy, tired, his energy spent.

* * *

_Of course, by then I was already in confinement. I felt like an ancient slave being crucified by the Romans. I really don't remember much about it. Even after I got my memories back. I guess its one of those things you block out you know?_

_I do remember Rem standing with me, staying by my side even though I was terrified out of my wits. I remembered, when she first explained the Deathnote to me, that Rem said she could take my life at any time, and that Ryuk could do the same to Light. She also said that I meant more to her than that. She promised me she'd protect me and stay with me. _

_I wanted to die, right then, really I did. Rem refused, outright, even though I pleaded with her to kill me. After hours and hours, she convinced me to give up ownership. I felt her hand caress my cheek, like a mother would an injured and frightened child. The last thing I remembered before my memories went to hell was Rem's reassurance that she would return for me, and the promise that even if I didn't remember her or the Deathnote, my feelings for Light would remain. _

_If they hadn't, I wouldn't have cared about what came next._

Light thought about it the whole way to the place where he'd be confined. Why?

He'd been bleeding, it seemed like a lot. Ryuuzaki had been concerned, helping Light clean up. Ryuuzaki waited outside the shower, then checked to make sure that no serious damage had been done.

Ryuuzaki then gave Light a simple black sweatsuit to wear in the cell, comfortable at least.

_Why?_ Light wondered as he approached the point where he would have to give up ownership to Ryuk.

_Why did I do that? I'm not gay, am I? And why with L? L for crying out loud! He's the enemy, sleeping with him should not feel that good. I shouldn't even have gotten involved with him. If this plan doesn't work he's going to catch me and have me killed. _Light Kira seethed like a bubbling pit of lava.

It repeated over and over again in his head like a broken record.

By the time he'd reached the cell, Light Kira had come to several conclusions.

1. He was attracted to Ryuuzaki.

2. Sex with Ryuuzaki felt good.

3. Ryuuzaki was the enemy, and was going to kill him.

4. Even if he decided he wanted a committed relationship, because of fact number 3 he would be never be able to make it work for long.

5. Because of facts 3 and 4, by logic no matter what happened he would still need to kill Ryuuzaki. Because not doing so meant almost certainly that he would die and Misa would die.

And to add to all of that, he still wasn't sure whether or not he was gay. He had felt incredible, his first sexual experience in his entire life felt absolutely incredible, and the man who made him feel that way had to die if he was going to live.

Maybe, someday, he would find someone he liked, male or female, and it wouldn't matter. The person he loved the most would be gone.

Then the yell…… "GET RID OF IT!!"

Light Kira was gone, put to sleep, buried for what might be months, definitely closer to a year.

Light Yagami the boy was rapidly becoming Light Yagami the man. A man who still wondered, 'why?'

Light Yagami the man dreamed of things that Light Kira had not yet conceived of, things that only Light Yagami the man would wish for, a happy life, a loving relationship, warmth and comfort.

Light Kira had thought of a grand and chaotic scheme, a madman's bid of an ideal world. Light Yagami the man was tired, but he wanted a future for himself. And beneath him Light Yagami the boy still cowered.

Light Yagami the boy was in love with Ryuuzaki, in a way that he never thought he could love anyone. Light Yagami the boy had accidentally let Light Kira out of his dark cage when he picked up the Deathnote. Light Yagami the boy was terrified of the damage that he had wrought. Light Yagami the boy was curled in a corner of Light's mind, terrified, and wanted Ryuuzaki to tell him that everything was going to be alright.

Light Yagami the boy wanted Ryuuzaki to make Light Kira go away. Ryuuzaki would protect him wouldn't he?

This madness circled around and around in Light's head when he slept in the tiny cell. When Light was awake, he only had time to think. When Ryuuzaki opened up the pager, talking to him over the speaker, Light hung on to even those basic exchanges.

And the memory of that first time gave him comfort, sleeping or awake.

And then one day, while Light was sleeping, Light Yagami the boy vanished.

Well, not truly. Light Yagami the boy had hidden himself somewhere, Light Kira might appear again after all!

Light Yagami the man was slowly woken from sleep, by a feeling of intense nausea.

Light woke up, groggy and with his head pounding like he'd gotten a hangover. The toilet was, thankfully, a few steps away. He threw up violently, and when that was over he stayed bent over, shaking visibly.

"Light……" It was Ryuuzaki, concern in his voice. "Are you alright?"

"Do I look…." Uuurg "Alright?" Light stood, moving to the sink to rinse out his mouth and wash his face. "I have no idea what just happened, but my head is splitting."

"I'll bring you some pain medicine." Ryuuzaki promised. "And something for the nausea."

"Thanks." Light made it back to the bed and curled up in a ball under the blanket.

Light Yagami the child was happy! Even if Light was sick, Light Yagami the child was happy. He was warm and comfy. Maybe because Light was sick, Ryuuzaki would come to get him now!

Light Yagami the boy might have quite a time to wait. Light got sick again four days later, then two after that, then three more, and once more. He had headaches almost every day. Ryuuzaki became concerned, Light didn't have a fever, Watari checked the third day when Light's headaches hadn't abated.

It was probably the headaches and nausea, but Light's strength was being sapped by the day. He slept for long hours. Close to twelve out of the 24. Ryuuzaki had brought a thicker pillow and a warmer blanket. There were only so many things that could fairly be given a prisoner. But Light shouldn't have to suffer if he was sick. He needed care.

"Yagami-san." Ryuuzaki called Light's father in his cell. "I need to speak with you about Light. Do any genetic diseases run in your family?"

"Some of our elderly have gone senile. Light is too young for that, what has happened?"

"No fever, but severe headaches and intense nausea. His symptoms have not responded to either over the counter pain medication or over the counter antacids. And as many over the counter painkillers are acidic, they may exacerbate the nausea. I am beginning to become concerned."

"Is there anything, anything at all that you can do for him?" Soichiro asked.

Ryuuzaki paused for a moment. "If Light can hold on for three more days, I will have something ready. I have not been idle while you, he and Miss Amane have been confined. I will come to you later this evening with a plan to remove Light and Amane-san from confinement. You must follow it exactly."

"Fair enough." Soichiro grumbled.

* * *

**Present Day**

The car ride to the beach for Lucas' birthday was absolute torture. Lyra and Liam were riding with Sayu, Mello and Misa.

Which left Leigh and Lucas on the verge of a catfight in the back, Near stuck between them, Ryuuzaki fighting to keep back laughter, and Light at his wits end.

"Don't make me come back there!" Light growled.

"She started it! She spilled my magnetic go set all over!" Lucas whined. "Now I'll never get to finish my game with Near-kun! S'all your fault! I take the damn test in three weeks, I NEED TO PRACTICE!"

"If they wouldn't hurt my stomach I'd take the goddamn stone and eat it!!" Leigh hissed. "Your board and your stupid book are getting in the way of my diary. AND YOU'RE CLOSE ENOUGH TO READ IT TOO!"

"Okay, THAT'S IT!" Light reached around to try and yank the two apart.

Near sighed, then calmly pushed the two children apart so that Light didn't cause an accident trying to break up the fight. "Your father is going to get an ulcer the way you two fight."

"Naaaw, he'll get a……."

Leigh pushed a neat little remote she'd had Liam rig for her. A remote that controlled the car radio. Up, up, up went the volume. "Play artist, Sambomaster." Sync 3.1 made fights over the radio into colorful and inventive shouting matches.

"playing song, Hikari no rock." The computer responded dutifully.

_Ima made nakushita mono to  
Kore kara kimi ga miru mono  
Subete torikaeta naraba  
Kawareru no kana  
Kawareru no kana  
_

_Ima made kimi ga naita koto  
Hanikanda kotoba de hanashite yo  
Makkuro na kokoro no yami o nuguisatteku  
Itsuka no boku wa sutetai no anata no koto dakishimetetai no  
Yokubou wa kono joumyaku o nagaredashite iku_

Ryuuzaki responded to this simply by telling Sync 3.1. "Disable radio."

"Radio disabled."

"Awwww, come on tousaaaan!"

"Here Lucas, I remember where we were." Near calmly began to place the magnetic go stones exactly where they'd been left."

"NO! Damnit your goddamn game doesn't leave me any room to write or privacy so nobody sees the………"

"…… pointless keening you call poetry?" Lucas flicked a go stone across the car and hit Leigh between the eyes.

"OW! Why you……"

Near once more held the two apart.

"Are we there yet?" The white haired man asked petulantly.

* * *

**The past**

"Are we there yet?" Misa whined for the umpteenth time. "You know Yagami-san you scare me and Light like that and forget Kira, we'll pass out on the spot from fright!!"

"I'm sorry you two."

"Sorry isn't good enough!" Misa whined. "If you weren't Light's father I'd be screaming by now!"

"You're not screaming right now?" Light asked.

"No, this is whining, screaming breaks eardrums." Misa growled.

And she whined a majority of the way to the tower. It took a while, but Ryuuzaki had one more surprise. Click.

Handcuffs.

Light was right, he /does/ have a fetish for handcuffs!

Light had to wait an eternity until the clock hit nine and everyone but him, Ryuuzaki, Misa and Watari were gone. He had to wait the same eternity for Ryuuzaki to head for the personal suite they were to inhabit.

"Finally." Light growled.

"What?" Ryuuzaki asked, blinking in surprise.

Light yanked Ryuuzaki down onto the bed next to him. Handcuffs are especially useful for pulling people. "You know what…… before I went into confinement, what was that?"

Ryuuzaki blinked. "Aaaaah, I believe the technical term is sexual fornication, ensuing when……"

Light's face twitched irritably. "Not what I meant. WHY." He insisted. "What was your intent?"

Ryuuzaki regarded him quietly. "I have never been very……" He sighed. "Good at expressing my feelings. I have been told that I have every finesse with tactical maneuvering and none with my fellow humans."

Light waited expectantly, eying the detective carefully.

Ryuuzaki's eyes connected with his. "I have feelings for you, I am attracted to you. I don't think I've ever found someone I've been drawn to more." There was another pause. "I don't want you to take offense if I seem insensitive at a later date. I am also…… distressed that I must keep you in cuffs, even more so that the man that is…… so compatible with me, must be suspected of being Kira, though Logic indicates he most likely is."

"Is that why you….. held back until you put me in?" Light asked quietly.

"Yes, I did not wish to get involved with a person I knew I might have to capture and order to be executed." Ryuuzaki told him.

Light scooched over a little, tentatively leaning on the other. "Do you….. do you want this to continue or is it just a one time thing……?"

Ryuuzaki knew exactly what Light was getting at, and had no idea what he should say to it. "If you wish it to continue, then I am more than happy to. If you are not interested, then I will not force you."

Light grinned, toothily, and threw his arms around Ryuuzaki. The other man blinked in surprise. Light hauled the other around into a needy kiss, "I want it to continue." Light purred, and suddenly he'd all but crawled in the older man's lap.

Ryuuzaki fell over onto his back, dark eyes huge. The look on Light's face was one of almost childish glee, and suddenly he was being kissed, /really/ kissed. Light simply flattened himself on top of him, snuggling into his chest. Ryuuzaki suddenly started to wonder if Light was alright, or maybe the confinement had made him go just a little crazy.

He flipped the two of them over, straddling Light, hands playing over his chest and sides. Light twisted his ankles around Ryuuzaki's and reached for his fly. He was still wearing those infuriating jeans!

"You want to do this your first night here?" Ryuuzaki chuckled.

"Why shouldn't I?" Light demanded. "Why, that's all I thought when I went in. Why did I do that? Why did I respond to you like I did? The more I thought about it, the more I realized that I liked it. You filled something in me that I hadn't known was empty, and I don't want that to ever go away."

Ryuuzaki eyed the youth suspiciously, but Light did sound like somebody in love, or who at the very least wanted sex for the fact that it was sex. He leaned down to kiss the other….. "You are beautiful…." He said huskily. Oh yes, Ryuuzaki wanted Light as well.

Clothes began to fly, well, pants at least, and underwear. Then they hit shirts, and eyed the handcuffs. "You first." Ryuuzaki slipped the cuffs off Light's wrist.

Light chucked shirt in a helluva hurry and tackled Ryuuzaki to the bed, grinding against him with a groan. More than Light thought he would be, he /needed/ what he was asking Ryuuzaki to give. It was an incredibly powerful drive, he /had/ to have sex, he /needed/ sexual relief. And it /had/ to come from Ryuuzaki, no one else would do.

Ryuuzaki chuckled, removing his own shirt and rebuckling the handcuffs. "Do you honestly think I'm going to try to run away /this/ turned on?" Light demanded in amusement as the detective's hand flailed out for some kind of lotion.

Not finding any, Ryuuzaki pressed his fingers to Light's lips. "One can never be too careful."

Light grunted, taking the fingers in his mouth, sucking hurriedly on the digits. A nip to the middle finger took the place of a tart retort. Then the detective removed his fingers, Light leaned back into the pillows, spreading his legs and relaxing his muscles. He blushed a little when Ryuuzaki's fingers reached tentatively inside, breath hitching a little as he stretched the opening.

The fingers carefully slid out. Then Ryuuzaki was kissing him and Light was in total bliss. The detective entered him while their lips were still locked. Light gasped, head falling back, baring his neck to the other. Ryuuzaki gently kissed and licked his way along Light's neck, up his jawline, nibbling on the other's ear before he finally began to move.

Light gasped, panting as his body accepted the intrusion. Arching his hips into his koi's thrusts, Light growled, letting out cries of 'faster' and 'harder.' He was approaching climax rapidly.

Above him, Ryuuzaki's breathing was labored, eyes glazed with lust, raking over the younger man beneath him. He bent again, kissing Light with as much passion, as much fervor, as he could.

A moment later, and Light howled as he came, legs wrapping around the detective in an effort to /pin/ him on top of him. Light's arms wrapped around Ryuuzaki's shoulders, fingers digging in. He buried his face in Ryuuzaki's shoulder, nails coming damn close to drawing blood.

Ryuuzaki gasped. "R…… R…… Raito-kun……." Coming hard, shuddering against Light as his body responded to an intimacy that he had never known before or since. Before this, sex was something mechanical to Ryuuzaki. He really had no interest other than emotional and physical relief.

But Light, Light was bringing out something in him that Ryuuzaki had never thought he'd experienced: a true feeling of intimacy, kinship, love, devotion. Light clinging to him like that, as if he didn't want the moment to end, ever.

Time seemed to stand still for the barest second, and both men collapsed onto the bed.

* * *

_The seeds of defeat were planted then. In one simple act of love, Ryuuzaki had ensured his survival, and Light in responding had ensured Kira's defeat. _

_I was clueless then, Light was distant, ergo he was the strong and silent type. It didn't occur to me then, how could it, the way I looked to everyone else. Sure, Matsuda acted like a dope, but……_

_I was pathetic, /very/ pathetic. Looking back I can't believe I let myself continue like that as long as I did. _

_Light brought the book, a novel called "Flatland" to our first date. The one where Ryuuzaki first showed how hard he could kick. I never knew he could do that! I know lots of stuntmen who would have cut off an arm for that kind of martial arts skill!_

_But the kick fell onto raised arms, panic fell over Light's face in a way that I'd never expected to see. Woman's intuition said that something was very wrong. _

_Light curled automatically into a defensive position, protecting head, torso and stomach. "GEEZ RYUUZAKI!!" _

_Light was so upset that he tugged Ryuuzaki out of the room in a huff, and left behind his book. _

Misa couldn't concentrate on movies, having just seen that fight. "Matsu, tell Ryuuzaki he should be a stuntman somewhere." Misa grumbled.

"I heard that." Ryuuzaki said calmly. Downstairs Light was yanking on the far end of the chain, back turned stubbornly to Ryuuzaki.

Misa didn't say much the rest of the day, but suddenly she didn't feel like watching movies anymore. She dug around for her fashion magazines, until……

"Flatland?" Misa asked, picking up the slim volume gingerly. "Light was reading this! I wonder what he liked about it!"

By then, everyone was gone home for the day. Misa read the book once through, then read it once through again. "How sad, nobody believed what he saw……" The model sniffed.

Misa lay back on the couch, looking at the ceiling.

In many ways, Misa realized, she could empathize with only being able to see from one direction. "Raito-kun, what did you see?" Eeek. "Raito-kun! I need to return his book! Oooooh, I hope he's still down in the control room!!" Misa cried in alarm, darting out of her room and hurrying downstairs. "Raito-kun! Ryuuzaki-kun! You forgot your…… book?"

The control room was completely empty. "But its only 9:30! Ryuuzaki-kun doesn't sleep, and Raito-kun is chained to Ryuuzaki-kun. What could those two be up to……" Misa sauntered her way over to the control bank with the surveillance cameras for hers and Light's room. "There's my room, that's the gym and the pool. Wait…… oh there's…….raito….kun?"

Misa's eyes grew huge, and the sight on the screen that showed Light and Ryuuzaki's room made her start to drool.

Light and ryuuzaki were buck nekid, kissing fervently, passionately. Light's groans demanding as he hauled the other towards the bed.

Misa watched, rapidly being turned on by the sight of what they were doing there, as Light bent to take Ryuuzaki's shaft into his mouth.

Misa watched, stunned, as Light turned, letting Ryuuzaki climb doggy style onto his back. All but drooling at the sight of Light, tall, proud, confident Light, letting the other take him.

The grunts and groans gave away to Light panting, very, very much like a hooker in a porn movie, and letting out small, effeminate cries, barely audible at first but getting louder.

She wasn't…… really…… thinking. Even as Light came, falling onto his stomach on the bed. Ryuuzaki flopping half on top of him, until the two rolled away.

And Misa wasn't registering that Light curled lovingly into Ryuuzaki's arms with a look of total contentment on his face.

It was only until Light began to speak that Misa began to register what had just happened. "That felt wonderful….." His face burrowed into the detective's shoulder. As they turned the look of utter bliss on Light's face sank in.

"Despite being chained at the hip?" Ryuuzaki purred.

Light chuckled. "I have /never/ been happier in my life than when I'm with you. Everything seems so bleak these days, the case is never ending, with no new leads, the world blazes past outside and doesn't seem to care, Misa is completely insensitive to /anything/ I try to tell her……"

**Misa is completely insensitive to /anything/ I try to tell her……**

"Light, some people don't know when no means no, you just have to take her in stride and let her think what she wants to think. She never thinks anyway."

**Some people don't know when no means no……..**

**She never thinks anyway……**

Misa sank down into the nearest chair, and began to cry. She sat there pathetic at the console and just wept.

Light was gay, that made so much sense. He didn't respond to her, because he wasn't attracted to her. He'd dated other women before Misa, and hadn't been interested very much in other women. He was attracted to men.

He was attracted to Ryuuzaki. And what wasn't there to like about a guy like that? They were both smart, they were both intense on a level that very few people were. To Misa they seemed to sync perfectly with each other, two hearts beating as one being.

Ryuuzaki was so much better than she was. And if Light was gay, then he could never be attracted to her anyway.

**Misa is completely insensitive to /anything/ I try to tell her……**

"What's wrong with me?" Misa asked pathetically.

**She never thinks anyway……**

"My world is flat……" Misa said quietly, voice soft with despair.

**She never thinks anyway……**

"I'm so stupid."

**She never thinks anyway……**

"Then show me how!!" Misa yelled, standing up and shoving the chair across the room. "SHOW ME!!"

"Miss Amane?" Watari had come down to make sure that everything was working alright before he settled down for the night.

Misa hurriedly jabbed for the button to turn the monitor off. She threw the book across the room in frustration.

Watari picked it up. "Miss Amane……?"

Misa wiped her tears on her sleeve. "M…. Mister Watari…. Do…… is there a library here?" Misa asked quietly. "I… I really just need some time to think."

"Yes, there's a library." He rolled his eyes tolerantly. "I'll show you where it is, but then it will be time for civilized young ladies to be in bed."

Misa wiped her tears on her sleeve once more.

_In that moment the old man became just as much a father as the one I lost. His quiet acceptance of a display of temper, of despair, of confusion, I had never shown in my life calmed me more than anything else. _

_The door opened……_

_To the end of the case……_

_To the beginning of life……_

_To the beginning of death……_

_When Rem arrived a few weeks later, the opening for my redemption had been made._

_When I was a little girl I /hated/ it when my parents told me to read. It was horrible, I just didn't have the patience for more than little story books. Stories like Peter Rabbit that were just a couple dozen pages long and with cute little pictures to get my attention. _

_When they died, I became defiant of the sorts of things a parent attempts to teach a child. I never picked up a book again until my hands touched the ones at Task Force HQ. _

_But the urge to protect did not arrive until my protector did. _

_I didn't know her then, but Rem's blessings had followed me through the entire ordeal in confinement, followed me through fire and hell and brimstone ever after. Just as Watari had taken the place of 'father', Rem soon took the place of 'Sister.' _

_I'm kind of twisted… A shinigami is my sister… how crazy am I?_

_But the floor is now Rem's, it is she who will fill in the gaps of my tale. _

**Very well Misa……**

* * *

In the dim room, the shinigami took up the pen and began to write down something other than a name.


	2. The Shield is Shattered

Last Confessions of a Goddess of Death

Last Confessions of a Goddess of Death

Note: The lyrics used during Misa's presentation of her 'discovery' and orchestration of her and Light's defense is from the song "My Will" sung by dream. It is, for Inu-Yasha fans, the first credits song of Inu-Yasha. I felt that it was perfect to describe what Misa was trying to do.

Please don't hurt me for what happens in this chapter. Really don't!

I decided that the fic would be jointly narrated by Misa and Rem. Misa's narrative is in itallics. Rems is in bold.

* * *

In the shadowed darkness, it was not a deathnote that the shinigami Rem wrote in, but a testament to the life of the human whom she had devoted over a decade to the protection of.

**I am Rem, the shinigami who witnessed and ended the conflict between Kira and the Detective known as L. Misa's will protected them only so far, I needed to distract Ryuuzaki from Light and Misa. For this plan to work……**

**Goddess forgive what I set out to do, when Misa requested to me that I fix it so that Light will never become Kira, she did not realize that if the Yotsuba kira was caught, and no kira became his replacement, that she would give just as much a suspicion to L as it would have if L Lawliet had found evidence supporting Light and Misa as suspects. **

**A scapegoat and a prolonging of the horrors of that era, that was the price that I myself paid. That part was not Misa's doing but mine. It is a task that I look upon with complete distaste. Killing a human to survive is one thing, doing what I did on such a high level, ensured my fame among my own kind, and my infamy to the humans who dwell on the Earth below. **

**But perhaps I am getting ahead of myself, the situation and the nature of Misa's unusual and completely unexpected request astounded me. I had meant only to warn her of Higuchi's designs, not conduct a symphony of destruction spanning over eight years and far too much turmoil. A shinigami kills to survive, not for pleasure. **

**That was what I keep telling myself, but listen to my story……**

Misa stood, eyes round at what Rem was telling her. This creature, this goddess of death Rem. She had stated that Misa was the second Kira, and that Light Yagami /was/ Kira. That what was unfolding now was part of Light Yagami's plan.

Several things went through her mind at once. Chief among them the sad realization. As Kira, Light had brought the world to its knees, if he returned what would Light do? He would /have/ to kill L.

Kill Ryuuzaki-kun.

Kill the person he loved the most.

"**I'm happier than I'd ever been in my life." **

Every evening after Light and Ryuuzaki went to bed, Watari let Misa into the library to look for books to read. She used it as an excuse to pass by Light and Ryuuzaki's room, even for a moment. Or she went to the control room to clean up, and watched over their activities by the surveillance cameras.

She had heard more lovemaking from their room. It made her sad, and happy at once.

Ryuuzaki had eyed her the first day she skipped down from her room with a novel in hand. "You never struck me as the kind to read novels Amane-chan."

"Then I guess I never struck you well huh? You hand me fashion magazines from the 1990s that I've read a million times and movies I've seen over and over! They're booooring!" Misa whined.

Watari had intervened on Misa's behalf. "She said that she was bored, I offered to let her into the library."

"I see, then place surveillance cameras in the library as well."

"They are already installed Ryuuzaki."

"Hmmm……" Ryuuzaki said disinterestedly.

And that was the end of the matter. Misa watched her step, was quiet in the library, and caused no trouble. And was rewarded with stack upon stack of books.

When she got the chance, Misa withdrew into the stacks of books and stories. She had no contact with the outside world aside from her movies and modeling gigs. And of course, Misa acted like normal otherwise, dragging Light and Ryuuzaki down to her quarters for a 'Date.' She hung off Light like usual, annoying him, but really she was keeping an eye on him. Making absolutely sure that Ryuuzaki wasn't hurting /her/ Light.

"It has to be boring in here." Light commented. "No wonder you picked up so many novels."

Misa stuck out her tongue. "Raaaaitooo-kuuun! You and Ryuuzaki-kun use the library! Why not me?"

"It just isn't like you." Light pointed out. "That's all I'm saying."

Misa dropped an entire stack of fashion magazines, dating from 1995 to 2002. "Ryuuzaki-kun, in case you haven't gotten the memo, Backstreet boys broke up, Brittany is a slut with a ton of kids in tow, Jay-z and Beyonce are the hip hop couple to beat, and the spiderman movie came out on DVD over two years ago."

"That is good to hear."

"I want something neeeeeeeewwwww!"

"Those books are old." Light pointed out reasonably.

"Not to me! When my parents died I tried not to read at all!" Misa sputtered. "So I never read anything!"

"Whatever."

Light's behavior had become more and more puzzling, one minute he'd be excited, eager, enthusiastic. The next he'd be his usual normal self. And then the slightest thing could have him offended with his nose in the air or whimpering about how whoever or whatever wasn't being fair.

Misa would have liked Light being more sociable if it hadn't been so downright out of his character. And so she was just as concerned for him as he was puzzled by her sudden interest in books.

Misa had carefully kept a listening ear on the other two, and heard their conversation one night. Picking up some books from the control room where she'd left them, she paused briefly by the surveillance monitor for Light and Ryuuzaki's room.

"Light you haven't been yourself lately." Ryuuzaki said, from where he held Light curled in his arms. "You've been going to the bathroom constantly, your moods are all over the map, you've gained weight. And your headaches are starting to come back again."

"Its just the stress Ryuuzaki, I'll be fine when we get a new lead." Light said with the sort of tone that told Misa that he was trying to reassure himself as well.

"Here." Ryuuzaki turned them over so that Light was on his back, and he straddling Light's knees. He ran a hand along Light's abdomen. "See?"

"I was sitting around in prison for almost two months. I probably gained weight with no exercise like I did." Light pointed out.

"Trust me, you do not gain weight on the diet I gave you." Ryuuzaki assured Light.

"I dunno, sometimes people's metabolisms change. Maybe I'm just filling out a little."

"I am not sure. Light, you should see a doctor soon."

"And tell him what? If I tell the family doctor half of what's going on with the case he'd lock me in the loony bin."

"My family doctor would not." Ryuuzaki said with a small smile.

"What aren't you telling me?" Light asked with a raised eyebrow.

Ryuuzaki maneuvered Light into a sitting position and started massaging his shoulders and back. Misa supposed they did this often, after all, you really can't have sex every night. That would be boring.

"I had a medical doctor on standby, the one who takes care of my own health. I kept her updated on the case in case there was a medical emergency and she needed details." Ryuuzaki explained. "I can ask Dr. Naomi to come in and give the rest of the team a checkup, we can fit you in then and it won't look particularly suspicious."

"Sure, that sounds like a good idea. Thank you for thinking of that." Light relaxed into the massage. Misa blushed as she watched the affectionate exchange, wishing she had someone who could do that to her. "I really don't know what's wrong with me these days, maybe the case is just more stressful than I thought."

"Good, she'll come by in a couple of weeks to make sure that she's alright."

And then this…… Rem saying that Light was Kira. Ryuuzaki had been right, about Light and about her. And the heavy weight that hit Misa's heart when she realized that if Light became Kira again, he would kill the only person he truly loved. There was no way around it!

If Kira resurfaced (Light), then suspicion would automatically refocus upon her and Light. Light would then have no choice but to kill Ryuuzaki to avoid that suspicion. After all, if he acted any different towards Ryuuzaki as Kira, if Light continued to outmaneuver him on the defensive, very soon Ryuuzaki would realize that Light was Kira, and was avoiding confrontation with him because he and Light were sleeping with each other. If Light became Kira again he would /have/ to kill Ryuuzaki.

/If/ Light became Kira.

_I think of you_

_and that alone is enough_

_to make the tears start to flow now_

_I always, always wish_

_that these fleeting thoughts_

_would reach you..._

Misa all but tackled Rem. "Rem, you have to help me. I need to know everything."

"About what?" The doleful female shinigami asked, both surprised and amused.

"About a shinigami's abilities, and I need your help."

"I will assist you in any fashion that I can."

"We need to keep Light from becoming Kira again." Misa said, with a steel in her voice that surprised the shinigami. "And we need to find a way to absolve myself and Light from any guilt. Please can you help me Rem? I need to know everything that Light did after I went into confinement!"

Rem paused. "Light hid a slip of my deathnote inside his watch with a needle, so that if he had to he could write names in his own blood."

Misa shuddered. "But how do I get to it?"

"You don't. You were many things Misa, but you were not a pickpocket." Rem eyed Misa, watching her pace flusteredly back and forth across the bathroom floor.

"Then I have to trick him into throwing it away. Then I can take the piece and burn it!" Misa said with a steely determination Rem had never seen in her before. "Light /can't/ kill Ryuuzaki! He loves him!"

_Quietly awakening..._

_I always, always wish_

_that these fleeting thoughts_

_would reach you..._

_Unable to move forward across "just a little more" distance_

_The way I see before me is always blocked_

_Every time the days I want to see you but can't pile up,_

_My strong heartbeat turns into heartbreak._

Misa stopped for a moment. "Rem, if we set it up so that Light and I were being controlled by Kira, rather than we were Kira, then I can convince Light to take off the watch! He'll have it as proof that Kira tried to control him, rather than the other way around. Without the watch he won't be able to kill L!" Misa eyed Rem. "Can you fix it that way?"

Rem paused, then repeated for Misa what she would have to stay to make that scheme plausible. She gave Misa the slip of her deathnote needed to see her. Misa quickly made the slip into a crane, to make it impossible to write upon. It took all of another five minutes for Misa to get a 'statement' from Rem using her camera phone.

Her heart was pounding as she finished the interview. But she had a goal! It was kind of funny, L would not be the one to stop Kira.

She would be, without either Light or L knowing it.

"Unless Light comes into contact with the original deathnote, he will not remember being Kira. By the time Higuchi is captured, you need to put regaining permanent ownership of the note completely and utterly out of his reach. It will be difficult because he is far more intelligent than you are, and Ryuuzaki may guess that something is amiss if you try too hard." Was Rem's parting warning. "Good luck Misa."

_If there is such a thing as "eternity,"_

_I want to believe, even if I have to take the long way._

_Although I know that I've been hurt before because I'm clumsy_

_I won't stop; I won't give in to anyone._

Misa whined her usual "Are we there yet?" half the way home. Then as soon as she was past security sprinted down the hall. "RYUUZAKI KUN!" Misa bellowed. "I found something while I was there! I got it on camera phone!"

Misa shoved the crane into his hand. "Pass this around the team. They won't be able to hear or see it without it!"

"What is it?" Ryuuzaki's gaze was as sharp as a hawk, and Misa felt very much like a piece of meat being eyed by a tiger.

Misa's grin was pure excitement and mischief. "I FOUND a shinigami!" She declared smugly.

"WHAAATTTT??" The entire team swiveled around to look at her.

"rrrr, if you don't believe me! The crane comes from a piece of the artifact that gives her power. I folded it into an object that couldn't be easily written on!"

Light's face was pure shock, "mmm….. Misa you actually, you idiot! Making contact with a shinigami, he could kill you!"

"SHE!" Misa insisted. "And boy did /she/ have a tale to tell! I got it on the recording feature! It proves that what happened wasn't my and Light's fault!" She shoved her phone into Ryuuzaki's hand. "I got nervous during the interview so I took a bathroom break to calm down. Next thing I know I have a shinigami's hands covering my mouth and telling me not to scream."

She waited impatiently while Ryuuzaki activated the recording. "This is Misa Amane, I've found an actual shinigami who calls herself Rem. She claims that she knows the identity of the Yotsuba Kira, but also that her own rules dictate she cannot give away his identity directly. She has, however, given me a way to tell. And she has a long story to tell me. Since this is important, I've asked her to set it up so that the other members of the task force can hear her as well.

By then the crane had been quickly passed from hand to hand, and the group crowded in. Ryuuzaki had already uncovered a picture of Rem that Misa had taken. As well as a picture of hers and Misa's reflection in the mirror so that a comparison for size and form could be made.

_I think of you_

_and that alone is enough_

_to make the tears start to flow now_

_I always, always wish_

_that these fleeting thoughts_

_would reach you..._

A quiet, dolefull female voice began to speak in Misa's place. "A shinigami's abilities come from an artifact known as a deathnote. Over time, through trickery and deceit, several came into the possetion of the human you know as Kira. Unfortunately, a shinigami is forbidden to reveal any identities that they have discovered to a human. By my own rules I am forbidden to give more details other than that he exists and his activities up until now.

"By writing a person's name in their deathnote, Kira can kill any person he chooses within 40 seconds. If he can come up with a cause of death, as well as a time, then he can arrange that as well. We shinigami need our deathnotes, we exist to balance the living and the dead. If we kill a human, then that human's years are added on to our own lifespan. A human has no need of such an artifact, and aside from power and the deluded ideal he craves, Kira gains no physical benefit, including extended lifespan, from his killings.

Misa was inwardly shaking, her face was pale and hands shaking. Ryuuzaki was watching her carefully, Misa never thought it was possible to be so terrified by just one glance.

"For all our power as shinigami, we do have some weaknesses. The depths to which I can assist you are limited, even if you were to capture the Yotsuba Kira. Likewise, a shinigami is forbidden to use their deathnote to save the life of a human. The punishment for doing so is death.

"I was on Earth far longer than the other shinigami who look to Kira. But I was the last who's deathnote came into his possetion. The energy given off by a deathnote is both toxic and intoxicating to humans. It acts as a drug far more potent than any of human creation, and this same energy can be manipulated to control a person, simply by combining it with psychological pressure.

"A deathnote for a shinigami is like the legend of the fox's jewel. (1) We cannot leave until either the human who has taken it is dead or that human gives it up. Through trickery and deceit Kira managed to get several of these into his possetion. And while I do not know how many he has, by the rules we shinigami abide by, there can be no more than six human owned deathnotes in the world of the living. Upon possetion of these, Kira kept one for himself, and had his shinigami find targets to pass these books to. One of these fell into the possetion of a schoolboy named Light Yagami. While he at first refused the power given him," Light began to pale in horror. "…… Light Yagami was mugged on his way home one evening, and threatened with a knife. Forced to use the notebook to protect himself, he quickly fell under Kira's control after. After that point his actions were not of his own free will. He made tactical decisions as he would were he acting on his own, but his efforts were directed against his will for Kira's benefit.

Ryuuzaki eyed Light carefully, looking from him to Misa and back. He looked ready to spring if the next parts of the message were even in the slightest bit suspicious.

"Possessing a human with a deathnote is a crapshoot, I believe the term is. It could yield a tactical genius, a ditsy airhead, a greedy thug or a maniacal fanatic. There is no telling what sort of talent Kira could have gotten by doing so. Finding Light was sheer luck.

_I've known all too well about pretending to be strong._

_But since then, my doubts have vanished._

"Finding Misa was, unfortunately, far luckier. My dearest and best friend Gelus used his deathnote to save Misa when it was her time to leave this earth. His remaining lifespan was given to her and she inherited his Deathnote by default. Gelus's last request before he died was that I go to Misa, protect her and guide her. I regret terribly that I have been unable to fulfill this promise. When the Kira killings began to accelerate, it became clear to her how they were being committed. When Kira killed her parent's murderer, Misa became obsessed with finding Kira. What for I do not know, to thank him? To satisfy her curiosity as to what kind of beast could be doing this? Whatever the reason there was one surefire way to tell Kira apart from a crowd.

"In an impulsive movement, Misa traded half of her lifespan for a shinigami's sense of sight. When she forfeited ownership of her deathnote later she lost this ability, as well as any memories of the note or its powers. She only knows this because I have told her. A person with a shinigami's sense of sight can instantly see the true name and lifespan of their victim. If a human did not have their lifespan beneath their name, it meant that they had possetion of a deathnote. She knew that if she could lure Kira into the area, she could identify and make contact with him. Whatever the reason for her doing so, Misa saught Kira out, using the tapes and letters as a dragnet to lure him into the open. Light was the first of Kira's controllees to respond, he was charming, intelligent, attractive, it was everything that Misa wanted in her dream life partner. So blinded, she also fell under Kira's sway by default, having been caught for him by Light. Even if she regained her memories, and that is impossible now, Misa would not remember anything useful to your investigation. Likewise, Light was contacted by the shinigami only, he has not seen Kira's face directly and his memories of the experience have been torn from his reach.

"When Ryuuzaki captured Misa, I decided to create some justice of my own. Kira offered the power to his chosen, but they chose when to give it up. I convinced Misa to forfeit ownership of her deathnote, her memories and powers were erased. She would remember meeting Light, she would still love him and adore him the way she does, but she would remember nothing about what had occured. It left Misa vulnerable, but it was the only way I could save her life. As soon as Misa's memories were gone, I bolted from the holding cell. I was going to end this, and have my own revenge. I could go two for two and deprive Kira of both Light and Misa. I threatened to kill Light if he did not find a way to save Misa. It had exactly the effect that I hoped. Light forfeited ownership of the deathnote and went into confinement. If Misa is still employed at her modeling and acting pursuits, then I can only assume that Light also is out of confinement.

_There's definitely things I want to show you_

_And so many words I want to hear_

_I want to see all sides of you, when you laugh and cry_

_So I'll stop waiting_

_and seize my "chance."_

"But any drug is addictive, even a psychic one. Light and Misa are both, by virtue of their own psychological weaknesses, easily controlled in this fashion, Misa by her blind faith and sheer impulsiveness, Light by his pride and self assured arrogance. Light sent his shinigami back to Kira, and ordered me to find someone easily controlled by Kira who would also be easily captured. He set it up then so that he could regain possetion of the note.

"I am told that when handling cases such as this, there is often a holdback. Human police look for one detail that only the parties involved in the case would know of. Here is my holdback detail. Check Light's watch, that is my gift of information to you. Like any addict, Light found easy ways to hide his treasured deathnote, mainly false bottoms and hideaways rigged in various ways to destroy it if ever discovered. Using these as practice, Light created a hidden slot in his watch, hiding a slip of his deathnote and a needle inside, when the time came, he would write the Yotsuba Kira's name, and that of the detective named L, in his own blood.

"By now, Kira has found new owners for Light and Misa's deathnotes. For repeated record, what they did under its sway was not their fault. They were under control of a power that they could not fight against, one as ancient as time itself, the intoxicating energy of death and destruction."

"Please defeat the Yotsuba Kira and take possetion of his notebook. By doing so I will be freed from Kira's control, and able to take it and leave for home if I wish. Though my home dimension is so bleak, I would much rather stay with Misa than return home. If the Yotsuba Kira is defeated, then while I will be forbidden from revealing the whole story, I can provide for you the rules of how the Deathnote works. And I can be your eyes into the world of the supernatural. All I ask is that you spare Light and Misa. They will have been tortured enough by what I have just told you.

_I think of you,_

_and I feel like that alone is enough_

_to make my heart grow stronger._

_I always, always wish_

_that these fleeting thoughts_

_would reach you..._

"If you have need of contacting me again, have Misa wear a red ribbon or hairpiece to one of her Yotsuba related shoots. I will be looking for it. I have also provided a lead for her, and for whichever one of your men who can enter Yotsuba does. By touching the slip of the deathnote that I have provided Misa, you have enabled yourselves to see and hear me if I am in the area. While I am not entirely confined to the Yotsuba Kira's company, I will need to stay in close proximity to him. I will be standing near, or flying behind, him when Misa returns to her interview. Unfortunately you will have to make a positive ID for yourself, without shinigami eyes or direct aid."

There was complete and utter silence. Misa glared defiantly at L. "THAT means that it wasn't out fault! Apologize to me and Light or else!" If anything she resembled a mother swallow, fluffed up at intruders to her nest. "If you don't apologize and set us free right now I won't help you contact Rem EVER! And I believe if anything you OWE me a huge THANK YOU for finding a shinigami for you!!" Misa's glare was so intense, that even Soichiro grimaced. And everyone else in the room but Light, Ryuuzaki and Watari cringed.

Misa should have been paying more attention to Light, and she should have worried that with his erratic behavior, this admission might not go as she had planned.

The shriek of utter horror and terror, the pallor on Light's face, and Light tore off his watch, chucking it across the room where it splintered and shattered.

Success! Light's watch was exposed and broken. He would not be able to regain possetion of the deathnote.

He would not be able to kill Higuchi. He would not be able to Kill L.

Misa had won! Light Yagami would no longer be Kira. That had been put firmly out of his reach the instant Misa had revealed her recording.

But Light was going hysterical, trembling he attempted to run, forgetting that the chain tied him to Ryuuzaki. Light wailed yanking on it to try and get free. "Its not true, its not true! I could never do something like that! NEVER NEVER NEVER!!" Sobbing. "I'm no one's puppet! I'm no one's pawn! DAMNIT DAMNIT DAMNIT!! That's not me! That can't be me!!"

Misa recoiled at Light's reaction. She hadn't counted on Light's major psychological flaw.

His stubborn pride.

_I've known all too well about pretending to be strong._

_But since then, my doubts have vanished._

_I should have stopped him. _

**What occurred next was not Misa's fault. **

_It was my fault, and I will always blame myself for what happened next. _

**They say that the road to hell is paved with the best intended actions. **

_I wish I had stopped him. He may not love me, not in that fashion. But love means that you protect the people you care about. ALWAYS! No matter what they've done or said to you._

**Misa's ability to love those around her is both her greatest strength, and her Achilles heal. Standing up to Ryuuzaki the way she did, proved to him that she was not as useless or helpless as she appeared. And by becoming his lifeline to information, by begging Ryuuzaki to come get me, capture Higuchi and offering my assistance if he spared Light and Misa from any blame, I had ensured the survival of all three humans. **

_I was completely powerless, "She doesn't think." Will always be true. I failed! I failed! I failed and now Light is hurt because of it!_

Light fell, flat on his face he collapsed. He was silent for a long moment. Misa gasped, she could tell that look, that tone. It was the horrible broken feeling someone gets, when their pain is so intense that they no longer want to live, but don't want to die. That horrible enervated feeling when all you wanted to do was exist, sleep, eat, go the bathroom. Just live, with no purpose, no feeling, no joy.

It was the same feeling Misa had had before Rem came into her life. And seeing that look on Light's face broke her heart in two.

Misa started to cry, tears rolling down her cheeks. "I just wanted to help……" Misa said quietly. "I wanted to end this……"

"Let me go……" Light growled, pulling himself into a sitting position.

"I cannot do that." Ryuuzaki and Light locked eyes. Ryuuzaki's expression was pitying, Light's was desperate.

"Let. Me. Go." Light hissed. "I need to get some air, I need to think."

"I cannot let you go out." Ryuuzaki insisted. His gaze was firm, every bit the overprotective seme. He was more worried about what would happen to Light in the state he was in.

Too bad Light didn't see it that way. "I'll wear a tracker, a wire, a cellphone, ANYTHING you want me to. But I need to get some air. Before I completely collapse and break." Light begged pathetically.

_There's definitely things I want to show you_

_And so many words I want to hear_

_I want to see all sides of you, when you laugh and cry_

_So I'll stop waiting_

_and seize my "chance."_

Watari placed a calm hand on Ryuuzaki's shoulder. "Give him audio monitoring and gps. Some things Ryuuzaki, a person just needs to make sense of on their own."

Ryuuzaki reached into a drawer, handing Light a GPS tracker and a bug. "Here, don't lose them."

"I won't……" The look on Light's face was so sad, it sent a stab of pain to Misa's heart.

Then he turned and ran out, Ryuuzaki calling up a map of the local area.

Misa fell into a chair, resting her head on the keyboard of one of the control panels. When she raised it again. "Uuuhh…… Ryuuzaki, do you have an extra piece of cake. I think I could use the sugar." Misa wiped her tears on her sleeve.

_I think of you,_

_and I feel like that alone is enough_

_to make my heart grow stronger._

_I always, always wish_

_that these fleeting thoughts_

_would reach you..._

"Sure." Ryuuzaki said quietly, handing Misa a piece of cake. "I am…… not good at apologies. I'm sorry Misa, and thank you for bringing that bit of information to me."

"No problem. I just feel so useless. At least Matsuda discovered the Yotsuba Eight. I don't really have /anything/ that I can be proud of here. I can't claim anything useful, I'm no detective, I have no sense of subtlety the way you and Light do. I'm not even good at sneaking like Wedy, and Aibur's acting is better than mine and I act for a living! I'm not smart like you, or Light. I'm not patient like Watari. I have nothing going for me. None. I'm just deadweight." Misa sobbed.

"And…. When Rem said what she did, I wanted so badly to clear me and Light. I thought, 'I found an actual shinigami, and how Kira kills his victims. If I bring it to Ryuuzaki, it will clear me and Light and help you catch Kira.' Rem…. She said that there are a lot of rules shinigami have to follow when dealing with humans. So she couldn't tell me everything. She just wanted to warn me. The Yotsuba Kira is Higuchi. Rem said that he had designs on me, not good ones, because I was suspected of being the second Kira. She was trying to protect me from him. She said that she could not directly give away the Yotsuba Kira's identity, but that she would be standing behind him in the interview room when I returned." Misa said quietly.

"I didn't think that Light would go berserk like he did. I'm so sorry." Misa had tears flowing down her cheeks as she accepted the offered piece of cake.

"I will find you a red hairpiece Misa." Watari promised. "But you should learn to think before you act. However, I believe that your actions saved our lives today."

Misa blushed, and simply ate the cake offered her. It just…… soured in her mouth, and Misa didn't enjoy it very much. But when she finished she felt a little better.

She looked up at the map tracking Light's headlong plunge through the streets outside of HQ.

_I think of you_

_and that alone is enough_

_to make the tears start to flow now_

_My distant voice can't reach you now, but so that someday_

_it definitely will..._

_Even then I had a bad feeling. Something was going to happen. Something had already gone wrong with my plan that evening. Light was already hurting, and letting him out put him in harms way. _

_I will never forget what happened next. _

**If I had paid better attention to Higuchi's actions that evening, then I would have known what was coming. I could have warned Light in time. **

**It was a Friday. The day that Yotsuba decided and then began their killings. **

**But I was looking for someone, a fellow shinigami better versed than I in the ways of the Living. **

**She is Mirai, Ryuk's adopted imooto. His little sister. Despite being ditsy and klutzy, she was brilliant. I preferred her company to Ryuk's /any/ day.**

_anata no koto wo omou_

_sore dake de kokoro ga_

_tsuyoku nareru ki ga suru yo_

_hakanai omoi zutto_

_donna toki demo negau yo_

_anata ni todoku you ni to..._

**It took a couple of hours for me to realize the flaw in Misa's plan. Misa's intentions are always meant to be pure. But she fails to see beyond the immediate solution she seeks. **

**With the story I had given her, if another Kira didn't resurface after Higuchi was captured, I had no doubt that Ryuuzaki would be suspicious. Unlike Light, I was not good at choosing pawns. **

**And this was not work for a single shinigami. For what I had in mind I needed assistance. Ryuk would find it 'interesting' and want to play along. But I had no idea where he was at the moment. Mirai, his adopted younger sister, always knew where Ryuk was, she adored him. **

**For good measure, I needed at least three other shinigami besides Ryuk. I needed Mirai. I needed Hisui, a shinigami that was half dinosaur, half tiger in appearance. She was every bit as fearsome as one would expect a shingiami to be. Zelogi was bored enough with life in the shinigami realm, that I felt he could be persuaded to appear and help things along. Besides, participating in the plan I had would allow all of them ample chance to kill humans to expand their lifespan, as long as they took down targets of their respective 'Kira's' choosing. **

**And so it was to the Shinjuku district where Mirai spent most of her time that I headed, the woman is as much a magpie as Ryuk is a crow. And electronic bits and pieces of junk were her human world fetish of choice. She had strings of broken computer chips forming a curtain over her nest for crying out loud. **

Rem backwinged in for a landing near the dumpster behind one particular radio shack in Shinjuku.

"Its here…… somewhere….." A voice muttered from a nearby alley.

The shinigami was bottom up leaning over a dumpster and rummaging for spare parts. "Come on, humans chuck cellphones out every day right? I need that sim card!" The female shinigami whined. "I need a match so I can make earrings out of it! Those will be really pretty! And I can use the screen to help retile my nest!"

"Mirai, its good to see you again."

"EEEK!" The shinigami toppled over into the dumpster. "Rem! Its you!" Her head popped out of the dumpster and looked around. "aaaw man, now I have to go all the way down to the beach and take a bath!" She whined needily.

The form that slipped out, carrying three cracked cd's and an old beaten up radio with it, was of a female shinigami who bore a strong resemblance to Ryuk. But her wings were dragonlike, and blue. Her skin had a ghastly lunar blue tint to it. She wore crescent moon jewelry, gold as opposed to Ryuk's silver. Her deathnote also had a holster, with a triple moon icon on it instead of a cross. Other than that, she was a female mirror image of her adopted older brother. That was why Ryuk decided to consider Mirai a sister.

"I need a huge, enormous sized favor. Please, there are some shinigami I need you to find."

"Niichan too?"

"yes." Rem told her. "He needs to know that there's been a change in plan."

**Mirai was game, and I hadn't had contact with another shinigami in a long time. Certainly not with the females of my species. I spent the night, grateful for other feminine company, and didn't find out the disgusting plan that Higuchi came up with until it was too late the next morning. **

Light ran, almost four miles, ten blocks or more, he didn't count. He was heading towards a district known for seedy activity, drunks, addicts, whore houses. Places that one shouldn't go after dark. It wasn't safe, besides the hookers and bums, it was the source of things that go bump in the night.

Light stopped, leaning against the entry to an alley, sobbing. "Stupid, stupid stupid stupid stupid!"

"What's wrong cutie?" Light whirled. The middle aged guy that was rapidly closing in on him was drunk, or high, or both. And the look in his eyes made Light uneasy. "Having a bad day at the office?"

"Go away." Light hissed defensively.

"Aw don't be like that cutie pie." The man licked his lips as he closed in on Light.

Oh god no. Light turned to run, but then suddenly he was tackled, shoved up against the wall.

Light smelled beer, and something that he suspected was cocaine. "you look like you could use some good lovin tonight eh?"

"NO. Go away." Light hissed, starting to panic.

"Awww, baby we're just getting started." The man dragged Light deeper into the alley.

Oh god no. "HELP! Someone! Please! Let me go! Let me go! Let me go!" Light struggled to get away.

The deathnote, oh god, if he hadn't chucked that watch across the room, he'd be able to defend himself.

That was the first thing that went through his mind as the man all but tore at his clothing. Light struggled, screaming for help. Then Light saw Ryuuzaki in his mind, he remembered everything they did together.

Ryuuzaki, please…… He begged pathetically in his mind. Please help me…… He doubted Ryuuzaki would come help him. After all, Misa had just proved that he had had a hand in the Kira killings. He hadn't been behind them, but he'd been controlled, forced into doing things that made him feel sick.

The loss of control was terrifying. Ryuuzaki wasn't going to come help him. He wasn't the Kira, but he was a Kira.

Ryuuzaki hated Kira. Ergo he would hate Light.

Light was alone.

Light Yagami the boy screamed, whimpering for Ryuuzaki to save him. The screams matched Light's cries for help in his conscious mind.

_I started yelling the instant I heard the words 'Cutie pie.' Oh god, my heart nearly tore in two. Guilt, that was all that went through my mind. I burst into tears. _

"_Ryuuzaki! Save Light, please! Save him." I shivered in terror, paling. I thought I was going to just expire on the spot. _

_Ryuuzaki's eyes turned huge when he heard what was coming in over the bug. Then he started yelling. "Wedy, attach the side car to your motorcycle. Matsuda, Soichiro, take the tracker and go after him! Hitch a ride with Wedy and follow her instructions exactly. Watari, Naomi should be almost here by now! Tell her to RUSH!" _

_He turned to Watari, eyes looking more skeletal than panda like right then. "I hate to christen our infirmary this way, but is everything the way I asked?" _

"_Yes it is." _

"_Take Misa and prepare the infirmary. Misa, go with Watari and follow his directions. MOVE!!" _

_Ryuuzaki looked up at the monitor, the faintest hint of real fear in his eyes. "Hang on Light…help is on the way." Ryuuzaki felt the chill of fear for the first time in his adult life. _

_I turned to Ryuuzaki. "You don't think it was…… you don't think Higuchi……" Misa started to cry, to really sob. _

"_Don't think that hasn't crossed my mind." Ryuuzaki blanched, turning to me with the most horrible look on his face. We both dreaded what they thought was going to happen. We had no idea what had really happened, we /thought/ that Higuchi had written Light's name in the deathnote. _

_The reality of what he was up to was far worse. He wasn't after Light, he was testing the Deathnote to see how much collateral damage he could cause with it. Light just happened to be in the way. _

_When I die, and if I am reborn, it doesn't matter once or a hundred times, I will always remember that look. _

Light got one last shove into the wall, rapidly falling from consciousness. If there is a god out there…… please just let me die……

Maybe if I do, I'll find Ryuuzaki again, in another life. And there will be no Kira. There will be no suspicion, no friction, no fear. 

There will just be……

Love. 

And everything went black.

Soichiro, Matsuda and Wedy were about fifteen minutes too late. Light's rapist had died from cocaine overdose mixed with alcohol poisoning. Light was out cold, bloody and bruised.

Broken.

"Light!" Soichiro grabbed the emergency blanket Wedy had brought with her and scooped his son up, wrapping him in it and starting to weep. "Light please, hang on."

"Chief, we have to hurry." Matsuda urged him.

"We have to wait for the police to get here." Soichiro said stubbornly.

"Ryuuzaki, what if Higuchi used the deathnote on Light's attacker, to mark Light as the first Kira? If that's even possible, it doesn't take a genius to figure out that he could be after Light!" Matsuda called over the radio.

"Soichiro Yagami, take Light back to Headquarters, NOW. There is a doctor on the way. I had her on standby for just this kind of situation. Now don't panic, hurry! Light needs you to protect him!"

"Matsuda, hang on to me on the ride home. I know you don't like my driving, but we need to move." Wedy told the younger of the two men. "Soichiro, ride with Light in the side car and hang on tight."

Everything seemed to happen in slow motion. Light was able to hear bits and snatches, but not recognizing what he heard above him. Snippets of reassurances, the feel of reassuring hands, sobbing, the echoing sounds of a hospital.

It wasn't until everything around him was still, that Light yagami slipped into a deep, weakened sleep.

Outside in the hallway, a dark haired, tan skinned woman wearing a doctor's labcoat stepped out of the room where she'd been going over scans of Light's injuries. "He's safe, but there are some concerns about his health. We need to speak, and I need to know everything."

1. Stories about the fox and his gemstone, pearl, ball, whathave you, are simple. A human finds the ball of a fox. The fox begs for it back. Just like the leprochans of Ireland, the fox attempts to trick the human into giving it back. When this does not work, the fox must do the bidding of the human who stole his beloved treasure.


	3. Duel Chapter: Transition Snow

Notes: The lyrics are from the credits song for L the last name. I'll probably use the lyrics at least twice. I figure I'll use the two Deathnote movie songs somewhere in the fic. Dani California is a good Light song, just feels that way for me. Snow (Hey-oh) is L's.

Ho my god, for the last time. YOU CANNOT REGAIN YOUR MEMORIES BY TOUCHING A PIECE OF YOUR OLD DEATHNOTE!! That isn't how it works. You gain the ability to see the shinigami it belongs to, you can kill somebody with the piece because a slip of the note still works. But in order to regain his deathnote and his memories, Light would have to kill Higuchi. The instant Light picks up his old deathnote, he will remember. But unless he kills Higuchi, the won't gain them permanently. He'll forget again the INSTANT HE DROPS THE NOTEBOOK!!

This rule came into place twice in the series. First of all, when Higuchi was captured, Light regained his memories and was able to use the watch piece to kill Higuchi. When he did that, he regained his note and his memories permanently.

Second when they mounted the assault on Mello's hideout. Light knew that his father would be able to tell if he was Kira when he got the shinigami eyes. He gave up ownership of the note, but he kept it strapped to his chest. That way he remembered the whole time what was going on.

Its the first incidence that Misa is trying to prevent. When Light picks up the notebook again, she wants to put killing Higuchi permanently out of his reach.

And Misa's note about associating 'colors' with the people she knows, I got the idea from a clinical term "Personification" a form of synesthesia that associates letters and numbers with personalities. Only in this case, she 'feels' that a person is this or that color, L "feels" blue, Matsuda yellow, ecetera.

Of course, in the series and in the fanfic, Misa doesn't have this. She's simply saying that she psychologically associates each character with a color.

I wished to find some way to indicate a transition from Light being Kira to Rem taking the burdon on her shoulders both to protect Misa's wishes and fix it so that the conflict ends. Instead of being Kira, Light will be the hero.

But from a writer's point of view, this association is also to account for the graphics in Deathnote, where when a character is making a tactical or crucial decision their face and body turn that color. So far recorded in the series are……

Light – no color

Light as Kira – Blood red

L – Stellar blue

Matsuda – Gold (non metallic)

Aizawa – Forest green

By saying that Rem 'felt' Kira red, Misa is saying that for the barest moment, Rem looked like Kira.

If you made screenshots out of that sequence, then you would see Rem suddenly turn the same red that Light does when he makes a decision as Kira. And its my indication that a shift is beginning. Rem and her fellow shinigami will be collectively 'Kira' from now on. Her friends will choose humans to be 'Kira.' She has taken that burden off Light. Kira is shifting from him to her.

* * *

_The doctor known as Naomi had arrived just as we were prepping the infirmary for Light's arrival. Her smile was reassuring, her tone calm, and her serenity kept me from panicking when I saw the bloody mess he'd been when Soichiro carried him in. _

_The look on the elder Yagami's face was blank, empty. Its one thing solving cases. _

_Its another when a family member or loved one falls to the creature that you set out to capture. _

_And there was the worry that Higuchi had somehow discovered Light's identity, if that were so, then Light would have very little time left to live. _

**Light had tested the circumstances of death rules with the intention of gaining information. Higuchi simply wanted to see how much collateral damage one name could cause. And so he set it up so that if Light came into range, the business rival he'd chosen to die would violate Light, body and soul, and then die. As far as Higuchi was concerned, the first Kira was a major threat. **

**If he could mark Light in a fashion that would make him immediately recognizable to him when broadcast on the evening news, then he would have /everything/ needed to kill him. **

**A…… violation like what occurred needs to be punished, the story should normally be told. But the rape was a trap. And I needed to get to Ryuuzaki in time to warn them. **

"Light is unconscious, but out of danger." The darkhaired, olive skinned woman known as Naomi told the team. "But I need to speak with you. In here, please."

The room next to the infirmary room was set with one way glass, so they could keep an eye on those within without being disturbed. "First of all, he's covered with abrasions and lesions from the beating he took. I cleaned them off. I took a rape kit and a quick scan of his head and torso. He took a nasty knock to the head, it was to a part of the brain that deals with the senses, so while it will heal and go back to normal eventually, I don't know what state he'll be in when he wakes up.

"I also found something /very/ puzzling and it has me concerned." Naomi dug into a folder. "Doctors use ultrasound for things other than pregnancies, they can also detect damaged or diseased organs where an MRI is impossible and an x-ray won't pick it up."

"It had to have been a glitch I thought. So I tried a battery of blood tests, and got results that supported what I found." She eyed Ryuuzaki. "You said that a shinigami can alter a humans' sense of eyesight?"

"Yes." Ryuuzaki nibbled on his thumb.

"Do you know if they can alter any /other/ part of the human body?" Naomi asked sternly.

"What do you mean /other/ part of the human body?" Soichiro asked in confusion.

"I do not know, but it is not inconceivable that the power would have some kind of side effect. Very likely multiple ones."

Naomi eyed Ryuuzaki. "I see…." She glared at Ryuuzaki pointedly. "I hear you got ahold of a shinigami last night? I suggest you speak with her. Pronto."

"What's got you so worried?" Matsuda asked, seriously confused.

Misa blinked through her tears, looking from one to the other. It was about four in the morning, the sky lightening outside. Birds were beginning to stir under the eves of the tower and nearby buildings.

Naomi's glare intimidated the entire team into silence before, hands trembling. "I was expecting normal function or reasonable injury. Not this." She started tacking negatives on the lighted panel used for displaying them.

First was a set of x-rays, Light's lower body from about the waist down. Second was stills of the ultrasound scans. "I thought it had to be a mistake, so I took a blood test, which confirmed what I was looking at."

Ryuuzaki blinked, then frowned. Misa's eyes turned wide. The x-ray showed an organ that shouldn't be there. Two rather, one looked like a woman's ovary. Just one, not the two women have. And a womb, a uterus.

The ultrasound scans showed. "Is that……" Misa flushed scarlet.

"yep." Naomi was, at once, both trembling and forceful. It was the look of a woman who was not looking forwards to what could be a /bad/ confrontation, but was also hell bent on either preventing or winning aforementioned argument. "Light's pregnant."

There was complete silence for about 5 seconds.

Then the entire room started sputtering, and Naomi could tell instantly how this was going to go.

"What the hell?"

"How long?"

"How in hell could that……"

"But that's completely crazy!"

"By whom?" Matsuda always had a knack for saying the wrong thing. Because by then all eyes were on Ryuuzaki. And Ryuuzaki's ears were turning red, glancing anxiously towards the one way mirror.

At the same time, being friends of Ryuuzaki's, Aibur and Wedy edged protectively closer to Ryuuzaki.

Ryuuzaki said simply. "Just before Light went into confinement, I spent a few hours alone with him with the intent of…… becoming involved with him. When he left confinement, he asked to continue the relationship." Ryuuzaki gulped nervously. Oh yeah, "Since Light is eighteen, and I myself am attracted to him and unattached, I was willing to go through with it. About two weeks out of confinement, Light's behavior became erratic. I became concerned, however he was hesitant to….. tell anybody about what we were doing. I kept his confidence. He was afraid of just this kind of reac……"

Ryuuzaki was suddenly lifted by the collar by Soichiro. "Lets make one thing clear. Light is eighteen, he can make his own decisions. But if you harm a hair on his head……"

Ryuuzaki was shoved back down on the seat. "How long?" Watari asked quietly.

"Close to five months." Naomi said quietly. Her glare at Soichiro almost made the elder Yagami recoil. "And getting hysterical at this point is /absolutely/ the wrong attitude to take."

Ryuuzaki was staring through the glass, chewing on his lip.

"He isn't even showing a reaction, not even batting an eye." Soichiro protested.

Ryuuzaki didn't seem to hear him as he turned on the chair and edged closer to the glass.

"That's because he's trying to figure out what to do next." Naomi said with a low growl. "I grew up with him. Right now there are a lot of things running through his head. Think about this for a moment. Everything that happened last night. This just caps it off. How do you think Light is going to react when he wakes up?" She demanded sharply. "Right now, he's trying to figure out how to break this news to Light without giving him a nervous breakdown." Naomi was bristling like a mother cat defending her kittens.

Misa's lip was quivering. She sputtered, jaw opening and closing. Then she blushed, refusing to look at Ryuuzaki. _Its for the best,_ she thought quietly. _I should probably act reasonably hysterical though. _Misa burst out laughing, she couldn't help it. She just laughed.

"Misa, are you going a little crazy?" Matsuda asked worriedly.

Misa had tears in her eyes. "The……. The guy I liked…… really fell for…… isn't just g…… g… gay…… he's pregnant too…… my true….. love just…… had to be…… gay." Misa sputtered. "Life is seriously, seriously screwed up." She shook her head and wiped at her eyes. "Con…. Congrats….. Ryuuzaki. I…. i…. if you or Light need help….. just name it….." She seemed somewhere between tears and laughter. "N….. a and I…… echo Yagami-san….. i…… if you lay a….. f…. finger on Light to…. H….. harm him. Y…… you…… you'll regret it!" Misa whimpered.

"Thank you……" Ryuuzaki sighed quietly, then turned to Naomi. "Is he in any danger?"

"He'll need hormone shots regularly right up until the end. It looks like his body is slowly adapting otherwise." Naomi told them. "I want to keep an eye on him though. He still has injuries from the rape to deal with. Remember the knock to the head?"

"If Raito-kun's vision has been damaged, then a majority of the information Naomi has collected will be rejected out of denial and disbelief. It doesn't matter that the symptoms he's been experiencing fit, he will only believe what he has seen with his own two eyes. The trauma of the rape will almost certainly assure that he will become hysterical. And….. this means that when Kira…… ensnared Light and he began using the power, the damage began. Organs do not form that fast, it had to have taken months or he'd have noticed it by the time he went into confinement. Were you able to figure out how….." Ryuuzaki flushed, breaking off.

"Here." Naomi tacked up another scan. "I took a side view, just beneath the prostate, almost completely hidden. There's a weakpoint in the tissue that's easily torn. And next to it is some kind of hormonal gland. My guess is that hitting the weakpoint and the hormonal gland enabled penetration /and/ triggered ovulation. He wouldn't have seen any sign until it was too late. If he decides to… to keep it, then when he gives birth I would like to keep a regular eye on that adaptation. If I'm going to give further care after he gives birth, I need some kind of data, but I'll lay money that that gland will fill and empty the same way a woman's period does. If /that's/ so, then by inference, and this is just a hypothesis, it regulates when he can and can't get pregnant."

"I am…… completely confused." Matsuda shook his head.

Aizawa simply turned his head towards the scans and shook his head. "You're pretty quiet about this chief."

"That's because I'm trying to register what just happened." The older man sighed. "I'd rather listen to Naomi's data than get worked up. But I could /really/ use some kind of clear idea……" He shook his head dejectedly. "I'm getting to be too old for this."

"We need information from that female shini……" Naomi began.

The pale white and grey figure shot through the wall. The gathered Task force shrieked, recoiling. Except for Misa, who lunged forwards. "REEEEM!!" She wailed, throwing her arms around the shinigami. "Light's hurt! Bad too. He was……"

"I know, I just hope I'm here in time."

"For what?" Misa asked.

Ryuuzaki calmly handed Naomi the crane. The doctor touched it briefly, "Oh my goodness gracious." The woman sputtered.

"Naomi, I believe you had some questions?" Ryuuzaki asked calmly.

"This CANNOT wait!" Rem insisted, handing a piece of yellow notepaper to Ryuuzaki. "I copied this out of Higuchi's deathnote. The notebook records all entries that occurred within the last lunar month. I discovered that he'd found a very dangerous technique. He was using it to get corporate information on Yotsuba's competitors. But that was a warmup.

"it is possible to use a deathnote to extract information from a given source as part of the conditions of death. And it /is/ possible to have that same target cause collateral damage. Light is a potential threat to Higuchi, and he was distinctive enough that Higuchi was able to target him without writing Light's name. As it stands now, Light is not in danger. But no detail of this incident can be released beyond this room. Higuchi is hoping that Light's name and face will be displayed on the evening news. He would then use that to kill him."

Ryuuzaki bit his thumb, hard enough that it had to have hurt. "What do you suggest we do, Shinigami-san."

"If any of you must have your picture displayed somewhere, use a sketch, and in addition to the alias you or your people prefer, come up with four ways to misspell your real name." She paused. "And, when the media gets wind of this, they need to say that the man whose name Higuchi wrote died of a heart attack, in some believable circumstance. If the conditions of death written in the notebook are impossible, the person simply dies of a heart attack."

"What good does that do?" Aizawa demanded.

Rem swiveled her head to regard him, because Misa was still clinging to her. "A sketch cannot be used as a facial reference when writing names. And if a deathnote user is tricked into misspelling a potential victim's name four times, he can no longer kill them." Rem said quietly.

Naomi's jaw was working, falling open, closing hastily, and falling over again. "Miss Shinigami." She ahermed. Hands still shaking somewhat, she glared at the female deathgod, trying to get her attention. Rem swiveled her head around. "Yes human?"

"Call me Naomi. I'm the doctor in charge of the Task Force's medical care. I was informed of the 'eye deal' from the transmission you sent via Misa. Can a shinigami change /any/ other part of a human's body?"

Rem paused. "Not purposefully." Rem said simply. "However, the energy a deathnote gives off is both toxic and an intoxicant to humans. There are major differences between a shinigami and any other lifeform in existence on the Earthly plane. We do not need sustenance, though we can eat. Many shinigami simply find the flavor and act of eating enjoyable. We also do not reproduce. We do not have sex. If there is any possible mutation that could occur to a human besides the eye deal, it would be to the reproductive organs. Though this is /extremely/ rare." Rem cautioned, then turned towards the one way mirror. "Something is wrong with Light."

"Yes, we only noticed it because he was raped. Light is pregnant."

"I will not ask whom his mate was."

"It was Ryuuzaki." Misa supplied, snuggling against Rem as if the shinigami was a teddy bear and she a very terrified, needy child.

Rem paused. "Unfortunately, besides the fact that it occurs, I have no idea of how the process works. That is something you will need to find on your own. Buy Misa a red hairpiece, if she needs information, wear it on the right side of her head, if there is a problem or danger, wear it on the left. Misa, you are to keep a handbag that I can sneak over to, and slip a note inside. Leave it in the open and ignore it."

"You mean like an info drop in those old spy movies?" Misa asked hopefully.

"I am not an expert in human espionage." Rem pointed out. "And I will need to leave soon. But I needed to warn you, and tell you what I could, within the rules, how to protect yourselves." She turned to Ryuuzaki. "Before you go, I will need a yellow notepad that can be easily told apart from the Deathnote's pages. Please. I had to grab this from Higuchi's office.

"Rules?" Ryuuzaki arched an eyebrow curiously. "Certainly. That is a reasonable request. Thank you for offering to assist us."

"There are very rigid rules about how a shinigami should interact with a human. The last shinigami I know who broke one of those rules died. He dissolved into….. ashes, sand, some sort of silvery dusty substance. If you recall the message I sent ahead, the rule he broke was one of the largest. It saved Misa, it gave her his remaining lifespan, and it landed his deathnote in her lap. I do not wish to share his fate." Rem said simply.

"Hmmm…… I see." Ryuuzaki eyed Rem. "And what do you hope to get out of this?"

"If you capture Higuchi's deathnote, Ryuuzaki, I will be able to tell you the complete rules. However, even if you did, I still would be unable to tell you everything. Misa and I came under Kira's control late." Rem said coldly. "As for what I get? My deathnote falls into the possession of a human being that is far more tolerable than the…… disgusting excrescence of the human race that now dirties it with his insensitive fingers." Rem sounded seriously pissed. "Is that not enough of a reward? I would much rather be here than there. Now I must leave. A friend of mine is missing."

"Missing?"

"I have not seen her, since the Kira conflict began. I am worried, and I do not know which of my fellow shinigami have fallen under Kira's control. If you find any trace of a female shinigami, blue skin and dragon wings, named Mirai, please have Misa seek me out." She said coldly. With that, Rem departed, presumably to search for the 'missing' Mirai.

In reality, it was Mirai she was going to see.

* * *

**I wished to plant the seeds of confusion and uncertainty relatively late. I should be a reasonably hard brick wall, insisting on rigidly adhering to the 'rules' of the Deathnote. I should make it seem as if the crisis is bigger than it is. And as much about shinigami as possible should be kept a mystery. **

_I was rather puzzled at first. There couldn't be another Kira out there could there? Light and I, technically, were the only ones. _

_Rem was setting up a maze. _

_If we got lost for too long, we would die. _

_In order to grant my wish, she needed to be cruel to be kind. And began to turn the world of the living into a war zone. _

_Suddenly the red that I associated with Light as Kira bathed Rem in its glow. Don't ask me what it is. I have always tended to associate one 'color' with a given person. L is a dark and starlit blue. Matsuda is a sunny yellow. Aizawa is an earthy green. And as Kira, Light's aura was a very intense red. It was there for the barest moment, and then gone. _

_Come to decide that the things that I tried were in my life just to get high on.  
When I sit alone, come get a little known  
But I need more than myself this time.  
Step from the road to the sea to the sky, and I do believe that we rely on  
When I lay it on, come get to play it on  
All my life to sacrifice._

Misa watched the shinigami depart. _Rem, what are you up to?_

Rem sailed through the sky, they had agreed to meet at the towers in Shinjuku. Shinigami who had to meet each other tended to go by distinctive buildings or parts in nature that could be told apart from the rest of the sky by air.

"I've come Rem! I brought them all!"

Rem landed in the center of a quartet of shinigami. "Hyuk good to see you again Rem. What'd you want to see us for?" Ryuk asked.

Zelogi huffed amusedly. "You want /our/ help? A ragtag band of shinigami like us. We aren't even the cream of the crop."

A misshapen figure stepped out from the shade of an air conditioning unit. "Its good to see you again Rem, I take it you're up to mischief again if you asked for me." Hisui greeted the other female shinigami. Her form appeared to be a hunched over cross between a dragon and a tiger. She had a long, whiplike tail that swung behind her when she walked. Huge iridescent feathery wings helped her keep her balance. A ruff of feathers and fur showed from behind her dainty lizardlike head. She had horns, and she had fangs, and she had talons.

Mirai grinned, her resemblance to Ryuk never more apparent than it was now. Same black hair, same sewn together body. She was curved, rather than Ryuk's blocky form. More like a ragdoll than Ryuk appeared to be. Her wings glittered with midnight scales, dragon wings to Ryuk's feathery ones. Her jewelery had moons and stars rather than any Christian motif. And she was far, far more graceful than her adopted big brother. Although, the necklace made of broken microchips and flashdrives made her look more awkward and geeky than she really was.

"I have an enormous favor to ask you all." Rem said quietly. She began by glaring at Ryuk. "Light has permanently given up ownership. Your deal with him is now Null and Void. And if you want something to compensate for not taking his years, listen to me carefully. I'm sure my idea will be, interesting."

_Hey oh... listen what I say oh  
I got your hey oh, now listen what I say oh_

Rem explained quickly the lie that Misa had had her tell. "As you know, I will do /anything/ for Misa. If she wants to protect Light and L's happiness, then I will walk through hell and back for her."

"We need to make it appear as if Light is not Kira. To do this, we need to find three 'subordinate' kiras and one master. As soon as Higuchi is captured, one of us must be on standby to kill him. Immediately. I will take responsibility, saying that I wrote Higuchi's name earlier in the night, since he owns my deathnote, that is my right and I will make sure L knows this.

"Further, when the master and subordinate Kira's are caught, they are also to be killed. Again, I will explain to L that part of the pact a human makes with a shinigami is that the shinigami may kill the human at any time.

"Further, tell your chosen Kira that shinigami need to kill humans to survive. To maintain your cover, have him or her choose targets for /you/ to kill personally. The way this works is simple. Write their name, circumstances of death, ecetera. But have them copy that same name when death has been confirmed.

"The human you pick, will have to be one who's kills will be distinctive. L must be able to tell that they are being made by different people. That is the only way he will believe my insistence that there is more than one Kira, including the master.

"You must, when your deathnote is retrieved, appear grateful. Stay for a day, maybe two, and then move on to wherever you wish. You may return, if you feel an interest in what is going on.

"NEVER tell Ryuuzaki that a fellow shinigami is the one perpetuating the work and agenda of Kira. Ninty percent of humans are idiotic beasts." Rem glared around the circle. "One more thing, begin your killings a few months apart. Mirai, one month after Higuchi is captured, contact your mark. Zelogi, wait for four months after Mirai's killings begin to appear to contact your own mark. Hisui, after Zelogi's killings are recognized, wait six months. Thirteen months after Hisui's killings are covered by the media, Ryuk, you will contact your mark. And Ryuk, choose your mark VERY carefully. The Kira you choose must be as close a match in personality and intelligence to Light as is possible. He or she MUST be able to unify the other three into one force if possible. He or she MUST be a leader. For this reason, out of the other four, you have the longest to make your choice."

_When will I know that I really can't go  
To the well once more - time to decide on.  
Well it's killing me, when will I really see, all that I need to look inside.  
Come to belive that I better not leave before I get my chance to ride,  
Well it's killing me, what do I really need - all that I need to look inside._

"Interesting……" Ryuk hyuked. "I thought you didn't like me Rem. But I get the choice job!"

"You're just that good Niichan!" Mirai squealed, bouncing over to hug Ryuk.

Ryuk blushed. "M…. Mirai shinigami do NOT hug each other."

"Why nooooooot!" Mirai whined. "Reeeem, I thought I was going to get to join you!"

"You like this Misa person that much eh?" Hisui chuckled. "Or is it Gelus that you honor with these actions? Since she /did/ inherit his note."

"Misa treated me better than ANY human I have ever met. And my life is a long one Hisui-aibou." Rem snorted. Zelogi and Mirai were Ryuk's friends. Aside from Gelus, Hisui was her best friend. Well, as far as shinigami were concerned.

"You loved him."

"Gelus? You jest, shinigami cannot love."

"You love Misa."

"I……" Rem looked automatically at the far off roof of the Task Force's tower. "…… I was sad to see Gelus go, he was a decent, if naïve soul. When it began, it was distressing to think that if Misa died his sacrifice would be for naught. But I do feel complete and unwavering devotion for Misa. And what do I have to go back to anyway? The shinigami realm is rotted and decaying."

_Hey oh... listen what I say oh  
Come back and hey oh, look at what I say oh_

Light was warm. That was the first thing he noticed. Then there was pain all over. He felt like he'd been run over.

The memories flooded back. _I wish I had been. I wonder what hospital they took me to. Ryuuzaki probably doesn't even know what happened. _

Light refused to open his eyes, he was too tired, but tears leaked out from the corners of his eyes.

"Raito-kun." That voice. Calming, soothing. He had NEVER been more glad to hear that voice. "Can you hear me?"

Light bolted upright, "Ryuuzaki!" Then Light cried out, grimacing as his head protested the sudden movement.

Ryuuzaki kept his eyes fixed on Light's face. "Raito?"

"Ryuuzaki, where are you?" Light's eyes darted back and forth across the room.

"Light…. Can you see anything?" Ryuuzaki asked quietly.

"Light and shadow, and color. The whole world is blurry, and my head hurts like hell." Light's tears fell harder. "No….. no no no no no……" He whimpered as the enormity of what was happening to him hit Light like a ton of bricks.

"You had a bad concussion." Ryuuzaki's tone was pitying. He took Light's hand gently in his.

Light hauled Ryuuzaki to him and wept. "This can't happen…… it can't…… I can't even see you." He whimpered quietly, pathetically.

_The more I see the less I know  
The more I like to let it go - hey oh, woah...  
Deep beneath the cover of another perfect wonder where it's so white as snow,  
Finally divided by a word so undecided and there's nowhere to go;  
Inbetween the cover of another perfect wonder and it's so white as snow,  
Running through the field where all my tracks will be concealed and there's nowhere to go._

"The doctor thinks that its temporary." Ryuuzaki said quietly. "You'll just need glasses."

Behind the mirror moods were very low. Soichiro was doing his best to keep it together. Aizawa stood by him, the two men keeping stonily silent. Their generation, men kept their emotions quiet, staying strong for the people who needed them. That was just the way things were. Something inside of Aizawa made him see the elder Yagami as a mentor of sorts.

Matsuda squeezed his eyes shut, it hurt even hearing the conversation. Misa's face was plastered to the window, tears rolling down her cheeks. Aibur and Wedy were conversing with Watari in a low voice. And Naomi shook her head, "As I said, baby steps." Her face had a cruel twist to it.

"Where's dad, and Misa, and Matsu…… the others don't know……. About…. Us, you didn't tell them did you?" Light sounded fearful. "Oh hell, something tells me dad isn't going to like this. We're a more starcrossed pair than Romeo and Juliet."

"I'm sorry, our relationship did come under discussion, there was no way that I could keep it secret any longer."

"Mmm….. makes sense.e" Light's voice was extremely fearful. "When somebody gets raped, their whole sex life goes on trial right? Is that what happened….. oh please tell me they aren't upset." Light begged, his voice sounded pathetic.

"They didn't care." Ryuuzaki said quietly. "They were more concerned with you being safe, and recovering from……"

"I didn't think you were coming to get me……" Light sobbed.

"Why?" Ryuuzaki asked. "You are my first friend yes? Why wouldn't I come?" Ryuuzaki stroked Light's hair comfortingly.

"What Rem said…… that I'd been controlled. And you wouldn't let me out…… I thought you were going to, to lock me up again."

"Light, what I was afraid of right then, was that you were going to hurt yourself." Ryuuzaki said quietly.

Light truly began to cry then. "You were right….. I probably would have, that bastard just got to me first."

"LIGHT." Ryuuzaki stressed. "Promise me……" Light's head jerked up, trying very hard to focus on the other man's face. "Promise me that you will NEVER do that to yourself. Promise me that you will NEVER, purposefully cause harm to yourself."

Light snuggled deper into Ryuuzaki's grip. "Will you….. stay with me?" Light sounded like, at this point, it was the most important thing in the world to him.

"Yes." Ryuuzaki said quietly.

"Then I promise." Light whispered softly.

Matsuda shook his head. "This is bad, if he can't cope with losing his eyesight, if he can't cope with being raped, how will he cope with being pregnant? Ryuuzaki might actually have to wait until he's calmer to explain this to him."

Naomi was taking a second, puzzled look at the scans. "Well he'd better do it soon."

The other heads in the room turned to face her. Naomi took a big red marker and circled one spot on the scan, then another. "There are two of them."


	4. Broken

Notes: Light isn't totally blind, but his vision is /very/ blurry. Its not permanent either, it will get better in a week or so. But he'll need glasses.

I went to to look for Deathnote manga, then I found Deathnote another note. I'd read the first few chapters already, but then I realized that there was also another Deathnote character named Naomi. I just realized there might be some confusion. So I'm changing the spelling…..

Naomi Misora Raye's wife

Nomi Osidan Dr. who assists L

(cries) Picture having a growth in your left arm, big enough to swell the skin. Picture that growth being wrapped around the tendon AND nerves, so that if it were operated on you'd lose use of the limb. Picture that same growth hurting like hell when you type for more than an hour, picture the aforementioned limb wrapped in ace bandages. oh god no. That's the agony I'm in about now. (cries) But I wanna wwwwiiiiiight! ;.;

* * *

_Is there anything that can take away the pain of what I felt that day? It was MY fault. MY lie, MY burden, MY oversight. _

_And I was too weak, far, far too weak, to be able to help anybody. And more than anything that was a source of distress. _

"Ah, you're awake." Nomi stepped into the infirmary with a smile on her face. "I heard the yell, are you alright?" Nomi had kept the other members of the Task Force away for the time being, having asked them not to overwhelm Light all at once.

"My vision is all blurry." Light scrubbed at his eyes. "I might as well not be seeing at all. I can't even squint to see better."

Nomi sighed. "Your vision should clear up in a few days, but you'll definitely need glasses after this." (1)

She sat down near the bed, placing a hand gently on Light's arm to show him where she was. Light flinched at that, then blushed. "S…… sorry."

"That's a natural reaction, there is no need to apologize. I don't know if Ryuuzaki told you about me?" The woman asked. "I'm Nomi, the doctor who takes care of Ryuuzaki's medical care. Everyone was very worried, but I told them to give you some time to calm down."

Light nodded. "That's probably a good idea." By now, Ryuuzaki had Light cradled in his arms, the other man's arms wrapped comfortingly around him. "Ryuuzaki, remember what we wanted to ask her in the first place."

"yes, I did. The results were…… dramatic and worrying, but pose little immediate danger. I wished to wait until you were calmer before speaking with you about them." Ryuuzaki said calmly.

Naomi nodded. "If it helps, I made a printed copy of your medical chart with the letters raised."

Light held out his hand for the sheets. He held the first about an inch away from his face, frowning as reading the diagram hurt his head. "Ooow…." Light rubbed his head.

"Does this help?" A generic pair of drug store reading glasses was carefully set on his nose, but so swiftly it was as if they came out of nowhere. Light yelled flailing to throw the spectacles across the room.

"They hurt too." He squeezed his eyes shut. Light gulped, covering his eyes with his hand.

"Alright." Nomi said gently. "Go on."

It took Light forever to be able to open his eyes without pain. "This can't be right." He said as he read. It was really a pathetic sight, he had to hold the page an inch from his face. Even then Light had to squint.

"I wish it were." Naomi said quietly.

"But how……… no, no it has to be an error." Light paled, "It can't be right."

"It is." Nomi insisted. "There are negatives, ultrasound and scanning footage, and blood tests to show it."

Light just chucked the folder across the room and turned to burrow into his pillow, crying.

"Light?"

The younger man was unresponsive.

"Light?"

Ryuuzaki thought for a moment that Light had passed out, fainted from shock. Indeed, his eyes were closed, his body slack. But then Light crawled into his lap, the wetness of tears soaked Ryuuzaki's jeans. "I don't know, what I should be screaming about first……" Light muttered pathetically. He said weakly. "Ryuuzaki?"

"Hmm?" Ryuuzaki blinked in surprise as Light snuggled into his arms, trembling visibly.

"W…. whatever you do….. promise me you won't leave?" Light said quietly.

"I promise, Raito-kun." Ryuuzaki said quietly, tightening his grip on Light.

"T…… thanks….." And with that, Light fainted.

Ryuuzaki blinked in surprise, then cradled the younger man tightly. "Nomi, please inform the others of Light's condition. He is extremely weak, and suffering from shock. He has vision, but very blurred and damaged." Ryuuzaki said quietly, stroking his koi's hair comfortingly. He was slowly settling into a seated position, cradling the other in his arms and resting his head on Light's shoulder.

This was one of the rare times in his life when Ryuuzaki was completely exhausted. As soon as the doctor was out of the room, his eyes fluttered closed, and was asleep as soon as the lids fluttered shut.

* * *

The rest of the team was waiting down in the control room. Misa was there as well, sniffling between sips on a cup of coffee. "Light and Ryuuzaki are both asleep."

"How is he?" Soichiro stood, walking anxiously over to the dark haired, tan skinned woman.

"Light is very weak, and in shock because of last night. He is able to see, but his eyesight is heavily damaged. He had to hold the page of his chart an inch away from his face to read it. When informed of his…… condition, he did not believe me at first. When he finally did believe, he stayed conscious just long enough to make Ryuuzaki promise not to leave him. Then he passed out. Ryuuzaki fell asleep a minute later, Light curled in his arms."

"I should go to him, he needs to know that his father……." Soichiro was about to finish. 'his father doesn't hold what has happened against him' or 'His father has his full support.' Something like that.

"If you disturb them Soichiro Yagami, I will make sure you regret it." The woman told him. "You are his father, but they are my patients. Please do not cause either Light or Ryuuzaki unnecessary stress. Light needs Ryuuzaki right now, he is the only thing between your son and a total mental breakdown. They need time to work this out, and Light needs to recover his strength." She shook her head. "And I can guarantee that my little panda is more exhausted than he has ever been in his life."

"Chief, getting excited isn't going to help anything." Matsuda tried to calm him.

"I know, I just can't help being anxious." Soichiro sounded very depressed.

Nomi crossed the room, getting coffee for herself as well. "I am an eternal optimist, but I think that they will be alright in the end." She said comfortingly. "For now, I'm absolutely starving." She grabbed a plateful of food from the breakfast cart. Everything from bagels to pastry to muffins and cinnamon buns went onto her plate.

"You're going to gorge yourself again?" Wedy laughed as Nomi plunked down next to her.

The doctor smiled and leaned on the other woman's shoulder for a bit. "For now, my job is done." She grabbed the first thing on her plate, a garlic bagel. That was followed by a Danish and a couple giant gulps of coffee.

"right." Aizawa blinked in surprise. "Do you /always/ eat like this?"

"When I can't get anything more healthy." Nomi replied. The plate was emptying at an astonishing rate. Mmmph mumble. "My metabolism is as strong as Ryuuzaki's." She said cheerfully.

Watari chuckled, "Nomi considers herself the closest thing Ryuuzaki has to an older sister. She, Aibur and Wedy knew Ryuuzaki since the four of them were children. She is as protective of him as you are of Light, Yagami-san."

Nomi nodded. "Ryuuzaki held me back until an emergency. He reasoned that a medical officer should be protected at all costs. I think, though, he wanted to protect me." Nomi chomped a cinnamon bun in three bites.

"I know it dear." There was a very happy thief with her head resting on Nomi's shoulder. "You're just that special."

Misa blushed, then asked. "Mister Watari, where did Ryuuzaki /come/ from. I mean, he speaks Japanese so well, but I can tell he has an accent. And then Mister Aiber and Ms. Wedy know him too. And…… it just sounds like they all know each other."

The older trio looked at Misa, in unison, it would have been funny under any other circumstances. "Hmmm?"

Watari laughed. "I run an orphanage and school in England. I take special or….. unusual….. cases that need just a little extra care. The four of them grew up there. And there are three other…… individuals, that Ryuuzaki will likely as for assistance."

"Sugooooiii……" Misa blushed. "That's how Ryuuzaki got so smart." She sounded shy, upset, and really in just general low spirits.

"What's wrong little one?" Nomi asked.

Misa turned away and didn't answer for a long moment. "I just feel so helpless, all of you have something going for you. You have something or someone to go back to when this is all over. I don't." She said quietly. "And after all of this, just modeling is so tame….. there's no sparkle in it." Misa said quietly.

Nomi sighed, standing and placing a hand on Misa's shoulder. "I'll tell you what, I'm going to need some help arranging Light and Ryuuzaki's suite, okay?"

"Rearranging?" Misa sniffed.

"Light can tell where he's going. But he won't be able to read labels for a while. We need to lay everything out so that he can find it. In one month's time I'll test his vision and take his prescription for glasses. Okay?"

Misa sniffled. "Sure." She didn't notice the glance Nomi gave Watari. The sort that one gives to silently say, 'We will discuss this later.'

* * *

_I can only liken Light's situation to a hole. He had been cast down a hole and the only rope he had was Ryuuzaki. _

_But there was another hole, one that I had cast myself into. I had no rope. I had my sights on the edge, but nobody to climb with. _

_And I had every desperate reason to try and get stronger. _

_There is woman's intuition, and then there is human intuition that screams that there is something dangerous about to happen. _

_That kind of intuition is the kind that makes mankind look for the hurricane on the horizon, the creeping back of tides that heralds a tsunami. It's the kind of intuition that looks for a missile falling out of a cloudless sky and braces for the moment when reality is shattered. _

_It's the sheer panic, the gut wrenching despair that tells you that not only are things pretty bad already, but are about to get a lot worse. _

_That kind of intuition is the sort that kept me alive the night my parents were murdered. And ever since if something or someone makes that intuition go off, I listen. _

_That intuition was suddenly screaming bloody murder in my head. _

Light wasn't sure how long he was asleep. Maybe, he'd thought that if he slept and opened his eyes everything would be normal when he woke up. But that wasn't the case, he was still seeing blur, he still hurt all over from being raped and beaten. And the only reason he wasn't shivering in fear was because he recognized the scent of strawberries and the soft cotton feel and crisp whiteness of Ryuuzaki's favorite shirt.

That stability brought a stillness to his body, pain and sadness not fear. An overpowering need to be held, comforted, embraced by the familiar.

Then he remembered the chart. Had he been so screwed up that he didn't notice something like THAT?

No, it was just that he was too rational. He had thought that what was happening to him had been something normal. A hormone imbalance (mental snort), or some other genetic malady triggered by stress.

Light wasn't sure what to think. Gay couples, male gay couples, could NEVER have children that were genetically related to them both. Lesbian couples at least had the benefit of reproductive medicine and scientific advancement.

Before the case, Light had not believed, not once, in magic and the supernatural. He wasn't sure what to think of the…… well…… he supposed you could call it a gift. Though it was definitely an odd one.

Light was still in pain from the attack the night prior, and still trying to sort out his emotions.

It was an…… interesting sensation, the quiet, comfortable sense of intimacy that comes from knowing that you are carrying a piece of your lover within you. The sensation was completely alien and it both thrilled and terrified him. Light couldn't help noticing how things changed from when he didn't realize what was happening to him. He'd been carrying a baby for months now, according to the data in his medical chart. Why was it that the whole sensation changed, now that he knew he was, well, pregnant.

Compound the confusion, the pain, the utter and abject terror of what he had endured. Hell, he could barely see Ryuuzaki. He could only make out his koi's face when they were an inch apart. Light couldn't even think to himself what had happened. He felt broken, used, dirty. As soon as he could stand, he was going to take a shower and not come out until he was /completely/ clean.

Somehow Light was having trouble sorting out how he felt. He knew he wanted to keep the baby. But everything else, all of it, including how his body could have changed so drastically without him noticing, including the myriad of emotions that comes with being pregnant, the stinging emotional agony of being raped, he could not make head or tail of.

Light wiggled closer to Ryuuzaki, then inched a hand down to touch his stomach. When he checked it now, it was, undeniably, a baby bump. It wasn't very obvious for now, just faintly firm and slightly raised from the rest of his body.

Ryuuzaki stirred. Had the detective actually fallen asleep keeping watch on him? Protective arms pulled tighter around him. "Raito-kun." Light mostly went by Light. 'Raito' was the Japanese pronunciation, but it was also Ryuuzaki's pet name for him. Light couldn't see his face clearly, but the emotion in the way he said it……

Light started to cry, snuggling as close as he could. Ryuuzaki held him close, and Light just cried. "Light……" Ryuuzaki crooned quietly. "Are you alright?"

"Of course I'm not……" Light sobbed. "With EVERYTHING that happened do you really think I'd be alright."

"I suppose not." Ryuuzaki said quietly. He leaned down to kiss the top of Light's head. "Would you like to talk about it?" The younger man slowly guided Ryuuzaki's arms around his waist.

"mmm……" Light said quietly. "Do you…… still want me? After everything that happened, do you still…… love me?"

"Would I still be sitting here if I didn't?" Ryuuzaki asked quietly, resting his chin on Light's head. "I DO love you." A beat. "How are you feeling?"

"Broken, just broken in every way I could be." Light shivered. "I feel like I got dragged behind an eighteen wheeler."

Familiar spidery fingers stroked his back. "At least you survived."

"Ryuuzaki-kun?" Light asked pathetically.

"Hmmmm?"

"The baby….. what are….. what are we going to do?" Light asked quietly.

"What do you want to do Raito?" Ryuuzaki's voice was neutral, Light could tell that he was waiting. "I will respect whichever decision you make. Its your body."

Light started to tremble, pressing his head to the hollow of Ryuuzaki's neck. Ryuuzaki thought that he wasn't going to answer but then, "If it….. if its not going to hurt me, if I can survive it, then I want to keep it."

Looking down at his koi, Ryuuzaki had never seen Light so vulnerable as he was then. Light couldn't see how beautiful he looked, even laid low the way he was. Sienna eyes shone, love, pain, grief, relief, and anguish were reflected there. His soft hair was discheveled, and Ryuuzaki wished he could kiss every scratch, abrasion, and lesion away.

And pressed against him, Ryuuzaki could feel the taught skin on his koi's abdomen, just barely starting to swell with life. Ryuuzaki turned Light's face up to look at him, and the younger blinked in surprise. "Then I will respect your choice, koibito."

And then Light's lips were captured in Ryuuzaki's. Light lunged into the kiss, begging for comfort. Tears fell from his eyes. "Thank you……" Light whispered quietly.

"Ai shiteru, Raito-koi."

"Ahem……" Watari had entered on the tail end of the kiss.

Light squeaked ducking to the other side of Ryuuzaki.

"Ryuuzaki, Nomi wants to know if you are bringing the other three from the House?" Watari took a seat near the bed, not commenting on Light for the moment.

Ryuuzaki could tell, however, that he was in for a looooong talk when everything had settled down. "As much as I would like to keep them out of this, Mello's energy, Near's intelligence, and Matt's skills with technology would be very useful. I need to spend more time taking care of Light until he's regained his strength. They need experience in the field, and we need reinforcements."

"Near? Mello? Matt?" Light questioned.

"Near and Mello are training to take my place should something untoward happen. You could call them my apprentices. And Matt is very skilled with computers and electronics. I wanted to give them a little more time to mature, but supervised by the rest of the team, they should be alright."

* * *

At the moment, Mello and Matt were at the basketball blacktop out behind the main dormitory at Wammy's. A summer rainstorm was quickly closing in on the Orphanage. But both were oblivious, a pickup game between the two had dissolved into……

"Mmmmm….. right….. right there……" Mello was pushed against the pole at the far end of the blacktop, head rolled back as Matt nibbled on his neck.

"Right here?" The lovebite had Mello yowling like an alley cat.

"God yes, oh yes……" Mello blushed pink around the cheeks and ears.

The other's hand ran down Mello's hip, squeezing when it found Mello's rear end. With a gasp, Mello raised a leg to allow the other better access.

The skies opened up, rain soaking Mello and Matt quickly to the bone. Mello tipped his chin up so that Matt could get to his neck, and was rewarded by kisses climbing his jawline. Ringlets of blonde hair clung to his neck, and the rain just made the black muscle shirt he was wearing stick to his body.

A lot of boys Mello's age at the House had no vanity. They didn't care about appearances such as make up, hair style, jewelery or showing of their arms and legs beyond what was comfortable for the weather.

Fifteen, with Matt a year younger than he, Mello was very aware of how effeminate he must seem to the others who lived there. Not only did he play on it constantly by acting effeminate and joking about how cute he looked, he honestly didn't care what other people thought.

If dressing in drag, eyeliner and jewelry turned Matt on and completely scandalized everyone else in Wammy house, then Mello would do it. He'd /even/ wear a bra. He was simply at the age where he lived to shock everyone else.

"MMmmm." Mello groaned, spreading his leg so that Matt could grope him. He was seriously turned on by this point. If he'd been asked to, Mello would have dropped his pants to make the most of it. Forget lube and screw whoever's eyes burned if they saw him.

"Aren't you going to get a cold?" A quiet voice asked from beyond Matt's shoulders.

"FUCK OFF NEAR." Mello cursed, more interested in the erotic zones on his upperbody and how Matt was going to touch them. His hand was very close to a nipple, and Matt's lips were working their way along his collarbone and neck. "Oh, right there god yes." Matt had found a sensitive spot near Mello's jaw. "Don't you have ANY sense of privacy?"

"I wonder how you expect the basketball courts to be private. You are in plain view, doing questionable activities, in a compromising position, and soaked to the bone in a t-shirt that shows every muscle in your upper body." Near pointed out reasonably. "You are also wearing eyeliner, earrings and effeminate..."

"Oh fuckit……" The mood was ruined, and Mello grabbed the abandoned basket ball and chucked it at Near. "Leave us alone!"

"I cannot, we have a call from Ryuuzaki."

"Mmph, what's Panda want now?" Mello grumbled. (2)

They made it to the video phone. "Aeeeeh yeh punk. Whaddyou want now Ryuuzaki?" Mello demanded as they entered.

The letterhead and voice changer were active. "I would like the three of you to come join me in Japan. The Kira case has taken an…… interesting turn and I feel that reinforcements are necessary."

"What's happened?" Near asked.

"This is larger than I first believed. We've actually found a shinigami, and her story is that Kira can possess chosen targets and allow them to do his bidding for him. Apparently the way the shinigami female says it, there may be as many as six Kira active at any given time. Light Yagami and Misa Amane's role in the case is clear, Kira possessed them both, and when Misa Amane was captured, her shinigami convinced her and Light both to give up the power.

"Light Yagami has been BADLY injured, his eyesight impaired, and there are…… other issues to deal with. He is barely clinging to sanity, and Amane-san is in shock. Nomi has also found…… other troubling signs in Light that worry her. I will send you further information, but despite his status as a suspect, Light has been my main tactical assistant. Incapacitated, dependant on myself for his care, we need the three of you to help us if we're to cover more ground."

"I see…… you actually found one. Please, I'm intrigued by the situation and your wording of it." Near said with a smile. "I'd be happy to come."

"Where Near goes I go." Mello seconded. "Maaaaaatttttt?" He said expectantly.

"Is Matt allowed to join us?" Near asked, curious.

"Of course, after yourself and Mello he is the smartest student at Wammy House. And his skill with technology makes him a valuable member to the team."

"YES." Mello hissed, pumping a fist in excitement. "Heeeeeey, Ryuuzaki. You know all those fancy smelling oils I like? And that Japanese chocolateers candy?"

"Yes?" Mello could picture Ryuuzaki's face twitching on the other side of the screen.

"Can you put those in my room? And aaaaah, don't worry about Matt, he'll stay with me."

"If you are planning some form of elaborate intimacy, I fear for your future." Ryuuzaki rolled his eyes on the other end.

Mello whispered to Matt. "Lets see if we can snatch some handcuffs while we're at it. We can scandalize the entire……"

"We will leave immediately Ryuuzaki. Thank you for asking us." Near shut off the video phone. "Do you two have any shame?"

"If we bring some hand lotion with us, we can try making out in the airplane ba……"

Near threw a teddy bear at Mello. "Try to keep your mind out of the gutter Mello, we're going there to catch Kira."

"You need to get laid Near. You should try it sometime. Its cathartic." Mello stuck his tongue out at Near as the littlest of the three left the room. Never mind that every time the two of them tried to do anything nearing sex, they got walked in on and broken up.

But when they got to Japan, the building would be mostly empty. Plenty of peace, quiet, and places to get laid.

* * *

Homigawd. I HAD to do that thing with Matt and Mello! I just had to! This is fic so far has just been so dark and depressing.

Aaaah, but it begs the question how long Mello will wait after they arrive to try and have sex with Matt.

Knowing Mello it won't be too long.

Then theres the "Light is PREGNANT?? Maaaaattttt I want to be pregnant. Make me pregnant."

"NO!"

"But…… but……"

"No Mello."

I can totally see Mello doing something like that.

1. Light + Glasses kawaii

2. Poor Ryuuzaki, even his apprentices call him 'Panda'


	5. Sponsor

Last Confessions of a Goddess of Death

Notes: Koneko Otome asked a good, if panicked question……

I just realized something: where the hell is Matt in the photo and the car  
trip?! Did he die in the Kira Years?!

I originally wasn't going to include Matt, so I didn't include him in the picture. ;.; sorry to scare you. If you want to know, he's using the camera.

* * *

"So you're not going to tell them its twins? Why?" Misa asked as she, Nomi and Matsu worked on cleaning and organizing Ryuuzaki and Light's quarters. "I mean, you didn't even tell Ryuuzaki?"

Nomi giggled. "They'll have to get an ultrasound done eventually, we can surprise them." Nomi's eyes glinted deviously.

"H…… Hey Nomi?" Poor Matsuda had had to change into a t-shirt, his normal suit would be ruined. He looked cute though. Jeans, a black t-shirt, sandals, and a bandana.

Misa cackled eagerly. "Matsuda you look like a housewife!"

"You said that the last ten times." Matsuda sounded much abused.

"At least you got the KITCHEN. Not the BATHROOM." Misa snickered. Nomi laughed and the two women gave each other high fives.

"I give up, am I just a slave to you two?"

Nomi laughed and gave the detective a peck on the cheek. "Thank you."

Matsuda turned deep red, swooning slightly. "You want to go out sometime?" He stammered.

"I have someone already, I just do that to everyone. Its wonderful incentive."

"I know another wonderful incentive." Matsuda's eyes were glancing down at the woman's collar.

"Hmph, hentai." Nomi pouted, turning on her heal. "Honestly, what have young Japanese men come to these days?"

Misa couldn't stop laughing. Then the comm buzzed. "Nomi here."

"Please prepare two more rooms, the apprentices will be joining us."

"Two?"

"So that Mello and Matt do not make public spectacles of themselves, please."

"Has he been crossdressing again?" Nomi couldn't stop laughing.

"No, he was caught engaged in questionable activities at the basketball court." Watari sounded very much like a scandalized old man trying very hard not to show disproval.

"aaaah, the boys are growing up." Nomi giggled.

"Quite."

"Apprentices?"

"Yes, one of whom makes no bones about being gay, the other of whom will do whatever the first says to, and the third doesn't seem to care at all."

The afternoon was pleasant, Matsuda complained, Misa joked, the vacuum cleaner broke and sprayed dust in Misa's face. Misa laughed, actually laughed, when she saw herself in the mirror.

_How close, how close had I /ever/ come to being normal after my parents died? Something as simple as cleaning house and getting dirty doing it. Whining, complaining. Ooooh, but when we finished with Light and Ryuuzaki's quarters, it was sparkling. Everything was neatly lined up. We even had coffee going for them when they came in a little while later. _

_I didn't realize that while I ran around showing Light all the stuff we'd fixed for him and Ryuuzaki, that Nomi was watching carefully. _

"You did all of this for me?" Light's voice cracked a little, wiping at his eyes. "You didn't have to, Misa."

"Raito-kun….." Misa tapped Light on the nose with a feather duster, causing him to flinch, and then to sneeze. "Love means love, if I can't be with you, the best I can do is offer my protection. If you need my help, don't /ever/ hesitate to ask okay?"

Light gulped, and nodded. "Alright, I just feel so horrible having to……"

"Light." Misa said sternly.

_It would be a week before the trio from Watari House arrived. I hung around Nomi for most of the time. I did not realize that I was being watched carefully. _

"Nomi……!" Misa climbed out of the pool at headquarters and hurried over.

Nomi had a bathing suit on as well, and was pushing Wedy towards the pool, the thief also clad in a bathing suit. "Dearie……" Wedy actually didn't look too bad in a swimsuit. Strip away the glasses, the hat, the fur coat, and you had an attractive woman. But the problem was that the thief preferrerd being distant. Nomi didn't seem to like that because...

"I don't wanna." The thief pouted. "Hey, hey!" Nomi started tickling her, and then, "EEEK!"

"Rat taiiiilll!" Nomi giggled. A soaking wet towel to the rear end had the older woman retreating to the pool. (1)

"You're so cruel!" Wedy stuck her tongue out at Nomi. "That was COLD!"

"And you love it koi."

"I'm so abused." The thief humphed and swam off.

As soon as she was out of earshot. "So, you didn't strike me as the athletic type Misa."

"Huh? Oh, the exercise room." then a blink. "You and WEDY?"

"Why not? I like the type that lives dangerously. Besides, we've known each other since forever. But to answer your question, yeah, Aizawa found you on the weight machines yesterday afternoon, he didn't want to interrupt." Nomi told her. "What's wrong?"

"I……"

_How is it possible to articulate the feeling of total and complete helplessness? How is it possible to tell someone that you feel like a complete and total failure. That's what it was. _

_I wanted to get stronger. I wanted to get smarter. I wanted to be able to hold my own with the other members of the team and I HAD to do something useful or I was going to go insane. _

"aaah, Nomi I just wanted to get stronger that's all."

"I see, feeling helpless?"

"Very…." Misa drooped.

"Alright, well why don't you come swimming with us? Maybe that will help you feel better?"

_Under the water, you are isolated, you are peaceful. There is nothing that can break into your thoughts. When the only thing you need to worry about is your arms and legs and when to come up for air, you can become oblivious for a short amount of time to everything else in the world. _

_So I read, I did whatever I could to get smarter, more independent, stonger. _

_I think, now that I look back on it now, that it was obvious. I insisted on helping organize files and printouts, run from floor to floor with papers and other items. I helped type for Light, since he couldn't see the keys I typed for him, then repeated whatever data I found. _

_It was enough that Nomi noticed, and so did Watari. _

Nomi waited for Watari long after Misa had left the pool and gone to dry off in the sauna. "Aaaah, Nomi here you are, what did you want to speak with me about?"

Nomi said this quietly and with utmost seriousness. "Watari, I want to sponsor Misa to the House."

_With children over the age of 10 and under the legal age, you needed a current graduate of Wammy House to 'sponsor' you. That is to say, that you merited consideration for their bording school program. The school was not the same as the orphanage. They were two separate entities, but the school was more exclusive than the orphanage. _

_By saying that she wanted to sponsor me, Nomi was saying that she thought I should be offered a place at Wammy's House's school. It was something nobody else really would have done. _

_What I didn't know was how serious this was. Nomi had graduated from the house over ten years ago, been in service to Ryuuzaki for almost the whole time she'd been a doctor. Yet not once had she EVER found a child she wished to sponsor to the school. _

"You've thought this through?" Watari asked slowly.

"Yes, I have." Nomi said quietly. "It's a right I have under the rules of Wammy house don't I?"

"Yes, you do. Why are you exercising it now?"

"Because I've found a student worth my time."

"If that is your only answer then the answer is no." Watari said calmly.

"YOUR only doing this because of the case!" Nomi growled.

"The case is not the only consideration, though that /is/ a part of it."

"Stupid old man." Nomi could not raise a rat tail to Watari the way she had to Wedy. But that was play, Nomi was serious.

"I am not stupid. Actually, her public status is the main reason I am hesitant to allow her to enter."

"oh?" Nomi asked, Watari indicated that Nomi should walk with him.

"Misa is a public figure, the House's strength is its anonymity. What sort of stir would it cause if Misa Amane suddenly decided to pick up roots and move to remote England? Granted, she could probably find copious employment in London. But if she wanted to enter the house, and I highly doubt she would, she would need to pick up roots completely. She would need to disappear for the entire time she's there. Amane-san is a worldly woman. She would not appreciate hiding for long."

"Why don't you ask her that?"

"Argue," Watari told her. Nomi knew what that meant, Watari always wanted to know the reason for a Sponsorship. Without her full reason, Misa would not get his full consideration.

Nomi indicated that Watari sit with her at one of the pool benches. "I believe there is more going through her head than just. 'Light is hurt, I need to protect him.' I believe that it started with an inferiority complex, but I also believe that slowly, Misa is beginning to see what she's missed as a model. During her career, she has been isolated, sheltered beyond belief. Misa has not broken out of that before because she hadn't realized that while she was rich in material possessions, she was NOT rich in life experience.

"I believe, that when she realized what she had been missing for so long, Misa began to try and compensate. She began reading books almost constantly, she hurries around trying to help the rest of the team. She works out to become stronger. She is doing everything that a woman does when they believe that they are helpless and want to over come being so."

Watari seemed to consider this for a moment. "Watch her carefully, as will I. If she has merited the attention of the House, and ASKS once the Yotsuba Kira has been caught, then I will allow her entry. Only if she asks. Remember what has been expected of you, of Wedy, of Aibur, of Ryuuzaki?"

_What I didn't realize was that Wammy's house was also, in its own way, a society, a promise and a pact. Those within are obliged to assist Ryuuzaki if their talents become strong enough. They are asked to contribute back to society in some fashion. Even a thief like Wedy and a conman like Aibur are not allowed to neglect this duty. _

_If I went through the house, and managed some success, then if Ryuuzaki needed me, I could not refuse him. And I would be asked to do something to give back to society when I graduated. Knowing the kinds of information I did, when the whole case was said and done, was as much a shackle as the handcuffs that Light had worn. _

"That's fine." Nomi said calmly. "that's entirely fair."

"Nomi, Watari." Matsuda had entered. "The call came in, your…… apprentices, are enroute by helicopter."

Misa bolted up the stairs towards the helipad. "Hold on there!" Ryuuzaki was more careful leading Light by the hand up to the helipad. It took forever, and by the time the team had gathered on the roof, the helicopter that was taking the apprentices in was on the horizon.

Misa tapped her foot impatiently, then grinned as the chopper made a landing. The chopper shut down, the door opened.

The blonde youth who swaggered out had a chocolate bar dangling from his mouth, and broke off a piece as he urged. "Matt! Come out! Hurry up!"

"Jeeesh, you and Near left me with the bags what the HELL am I supposed to do??" A boy with goggles and a black and white stripped shirt staggered out with suitcases. "Near next time carry your own toys! Here, let me help you down."

"You didn't help MEEEE down!" The blonde whined as the tallest of the three helped a white haired boy off the chopper. The redhead almost fell over because he was jumped on by the blonde. The kind of "I'm so happy to see you now come here or else" kinda jump.

The three ended up falling into a heap. The redhead was smooshed between a little pale haired boy who was shy at all the new people standing at the entryway and a bigger, eager and clingy blonde. "ACK EEEK MELLO NEAR GEROFF ACKR! I'M HERDING FRIGGIN CATS!!"

Mello, Matt, and Near had arrived.

* * *

1. A rat tail is when you soak a towel in freezing cold water, twist it up into a whip, and then whip somebody with it. It's a practical joke, though Roselyn in Calvin and Hobbes once threatened Calvin with it if he didn't get into the pool and behave.


	6. Preparation

**Preparation**

It was an awkward and uncomfortable evening. Light had squeezed himself next to Ryuuzaki in the detective's armchair. Ryuuzaki was bringing all three of his 'apprentices' up to date.

Light blushed when Ryuuzaki explained both his injuries and his pregnancy. Light still had a lot of scrapes and scratches. And some serious bruises on his arms and legs. He inched closer to Ryuuzaki because, while he couldn't see faces, the one called Near made him extremely uneasy.

It was the fact that his voice was so quiet, it was as if he was in a trance. And he sounded so much older than he was. But all Light could see was a small figure with a mess of pale white hair. His eyesight had been getting better, but it was still abysmal. Really the only way he could recognize anybody was by hair, or voice, or height, or a combination of the three. They were the only things that he could see well enough.

"I see, so the energy from these, deathnotes, can affect human anatomy?" Near asked, eyeing Light.

"It appears that way, though use or possession of the power seems to be the key to the process. Kira possessed Light and made him use the power, Light is brilliant, so under Kira's influence he would have been wreaking havoc with that notebook." Light turned scarlet, pushing closer to Ryuuzaki. The detective slipped his hand in Lights and squeezed reassuringly.

"Well, if they can give people their sense of sight, it makes sense that other things could happen." Mello was straddling a chair, head resting on the back. He had a mug of hot chocolate, (and from the way his tone slurred every now and again Light guessed that he'd laced it with alcohol), "I'm jealous. I wish I could have kids."

"You did not just say that." Matt told him.

"Well, maybe not a legion of kids but a kid or maybe two." Mello reasoned. "Er…… when I'm old enough."

"What are you going to do, get a sex change?" Matt teased.

"Oh please. I'm not old enough right now." Mello mumbled.

"And the worst part is that he'll eventually find some way to try and make it happen." Matt sighed, long suffering.

"Matt, did you finish writing the program that I asked you to make?" Ryuuzaki asked patiently.

Matt let out a khe noise, "just barely. And I can't test it if I don't have data!!" Matt huffed. "You didn't even send me your case file data so that I can plug it in."

"What sort of program?" Soichiro asked, cocking his head at Matt.

"Ryuuzaki asked me to make a program that could distinguish whether or not there were multiple Kiras working at the same time or alert us if a new one appears." Matt explains. "But what I /need/ is data."

"I have a list of victims and causes of death for you. Just as you asked me to prepare."

"Yeah, but that's only a piece of it! I need as much data as you can get me, and that /includes/ interviewing as many witnesses as possible. It could even be somebody who watches Kira news stories regularly. Every detail you can get me!"

"oh quit whining Matt." Mello grumbled.

"I believe Light, that you should get some more exercise?" Ryuuzaki suggested. "I hear there's a Science Fiction and Fantasy convention coming to town? These kinds of events are always good for hearing gossip, if we cast a dragnet for information, we may find the data that Matt is looking for."

"How do ya figure?" Light asked.

"ALRIGHT ROAD TRIP!" Matsuda cheered.

"Hmmm? Oh, well, I've been looking at the kind of sites that various Kira Worshippers have put together, and a majority of them have used goth or horror art. Horror is aligned with science fiction in………"

"Wrong line of reasoning Ryuuzaki." Misa piped up. "But you're right. BUT, you're going to need to follow my instructions /exactly/ if you want to get a goth or horror fan to talk to give you information. I happen to love scary movies, when I was just starting I was an extra for one of the Alien movies. Mainly for the artwork of the costume and monster designer, but there was the whole blood guts and gore thing too." She grinned hugely. "Plus, as a celebrity? I've been to dozens of these kinds of engagements. I know /exactly/ where to look for information and how to get it."

"Alright, fine Misa." Ryuuzaki was at once, both tolerant and curious.

"And how am I supposed to /enjoy/ something like this?" Light pointed out. "Half blind and pregnant that's kind of hard to blend in."

"Hmm, you are just approaching five months Light, loose clothing can hide the……" Ryuuzaki wrapped an affectionate arm around Light's waste. "True nature of your condition." He nodded. "I will stay close to you, and we can get you a cane. It will be quite appearant that you are blind or almost blind, and very few people will question that."

"Alright." Misa said primly. "Show me the information for the convention. I'll draw up a plan for you guys."

Ryuuzaki quickly laid out the convention floor plan and the scheduled events. Misa frowned, though Light couldn't see it. "This is going to be easy, but I'd suggest a duel approach. Because Yagami-san and Aizawa-san, no offense, but you'd be made for police on sight even if you were going plainclothes. We should probably have two groups, one in the open asking questions directly and a second wandering the floor near the obvious policemen." Misa explained. "That way we can hear what people are saying about the folks in the open and gain even more information."

Misa continued. "The way it should work, every member of the team should wear a recorder. It would be easy to make one for me and Mello, just disguise them as jewelry since we both like Gothic clothes, and Mello can I just say I love your outfit?"

"Thanks……" Mello sounded like he enjoyed the complement. "Coming from the queen of goth that's a big complement."

"I like that title." Misa giggled. "The first team should be Soichiro-dono, (1) Aizawa-san, Mogi-san, and Matsu. Matt, Near, Wedy and Aibur should be on tech. Disguise the van used for surveillance as a vehicle belonging to somebody either vending at the convention or as belonging to somebody who coordinates events. Vehicles like the latter are the /perfect/ cover for a team to listen to bugs and it almost guarantees no suspicion if you handle it right. Nomi we'll need you in case something goes TERRIBLY wrong and we need medical care in a hurry."

Misa outlined her plan, her typing on the computer was slow, since she wasn't as good at it as the others. "The third team should be me, Mello, Ryuuzaki and Light. We should buddy up and every team should have a hidden radio as well to send messages. Me and Mello, Ryuuzaki Light needs you to stay close to him, so you're automatically a pair."

"Picture the disguised teams as satellites or something orbiting whatever." Misa grabbed a yellow pad and started scribbling diagrams. "The four of us will wander the convention within sight of the main team. Then using radio the tech group will keep in contact."

"I add that I'd like Wedy to place cameras and bugs in the building." Ryuuzaki called up the floorplan again. "Entrances, Food Court and stage hall."

"Vendor floor." Misa insisted, "you would not believe how many fans gossip while they're shopping. But even more important fish can be found on the vending floor. I know from experience. Any time I wanted exposure for a project, I'd go to the convention, circulate the vendor floor, give out autographs, previews, promotions, ecetera. Even more than the stage shows and dance pagents, if anybody of consequence is talking, it will be on the vendor floor."

"Alright, vendor floor. Can you manage Wedy?" Ryuuzaki asked.

"Give me Nomi to help out and I think I can manage." Wedy confirmed. "We know how each other work, so it should go faster with her tagging along."

"Matt can you rig the radios and bugs?" Ryuuzaki asked, turning to the youth.

"Give me Near and I can do it in fourty eight hours. When's the convention?"

"Four days." Ryuuzaki replied.

"One more thing, if you're careful you have three people you can swap out of the circulation if me, Ryuuzaki, Mello or Light need to leave the convention. Near is my first choice for a substitute, I'd be choosing his wardrobe, but of the remaining people here he's the next best choice to circulate because its easy to disguise him as a goth and nobody is going to question a kid looking at the toy vendors. You can even go shopping if you want Near. I can take over your shift at the van if you want some alone time."

"Thanks." Near said curiously. "I wouldn't mind looking at some of the toys they have there, and I am a very adept listener."

"Light and Ryuuzaki don't /need/ makeup or costumes, they're an unusual enough pair that they'll fit right in. Aibur and Wedy would be the other two swap outs. Wedy /might/ be able to circulate on the floor if we're in a pinch, but she'll need a /totally/ new outfit. Aibur should be dressed to kill as a producer, and you'll need to verse him in the major films and works in the horror genre. Most fangirls can't /resist/ a possible break into the business, so he'll attract attention a /mile/ away. He might make a good magnet if we need it."

"Aibur's a magnet?" Matsuda blinked.

"I have an attractive personality." Aibur quipped.

Misa for once felt like she was contributing over the next four days as they prepared for an intelligence dragnet. She taught the others how to handle a convention /and/ helped with disguises and they taught her the ins and outs of intelligence.

_There is an advantage to moving in small groups and working with the same people over and over again. You know their moves and abilities, you know when they're in trouble and you know what they're up to if they do something /not/ in the gameplan. _

The morning of the convention, the young man was taking his time through the convention's entrance hall. He was tall, unassuming. He had long black hair and gentle black eyes. They had a look in them, twenty going on two hundred, he'd seen everything and knew volumes. All in all, he was attractive in a quiet, subtle way. He looked like he was about twenty five or so, well read and educated and non intrusive.

The man was dressed in simple denim jeans and a black t-shirt. He had a simple silver cross around his neck and silver chain belt. There was an empty earring hole in his left ear and he carried a simple black messenger bag with gothic studs outlining a skull.

He watched the banner sign for the convention being hoisted, it had a grim reaper design on it that made him smile. "I wonder what you're up to Ryuk. Its been twelve years and you only came back once." **So Taro….** "Capricious karasu-ko, (2) I could use some fresh inspiration," **….. how was the land of the dead?** "Your company was…… interesting." (3)

* * *

1. Misa is differentiating between Light and Soichiro. You don't call a middle aged man by his first name if you're barely sixteen without some show of respect, hence "dono" instead of "San" which is far more respectful.

2. Karasu-ko, little crow, referring to Ryuk's wings and spontaneous personality.

At this point, I suggest you read "Deathnote Volume 13: How to Read" I'm bringing in young Taro Kagami, the main character in the deathnote pilot story which is the last portion of the deathnote readers guide volume.

Taro's alias in this story is Teira Hiyama, a reference to a favorite ghost story about a minstrel who serenaded the ghosts of the Teira clan, who had been slaughtered long ago. Its also a reference to the fact that he got his deathnote AGES before Light was even a glimmer in Ryuk's eyes. If you don't have Volume 13, I can give you basic information on the original story.

At the end of the pilot story, however, Taro burned his deathnote and Ryuk goes on his way. He remembers Ryuk, he can see and interact with him, but its like neutering a dog. Taro has no deathnote to attack with. Taro is probably the human Ryuk would go to if he didn't have access to Light and needed a human. But alas, he hasn't showed up.

One last important note was that the original chapter also had a way to bring somebody killed by the deathnote back to life. Its called the death eraser. Taro is, to date, the only surviving human in modern times to have been brought back /after/ a deathnote being used on him.


	7. Dragnet

**ANSWERS FROM THE MAILBAG!!**

Alright, I got a lot of reviews so far, so I'll pick a few to answer.

**Emperess Satori always leaves wonderful reviews, and she usually picks up on things faster than other readers. She wrote...**

OMFG YOU PUT TARO IN IT! I REMEMBER HIM FROM WHEN I SCANNED THROUGH DEATH NOTE 13!! That was a brilliant move right there!! I remember him dying and coming back... and how changed he was after that... I can't wait to see what you do with his character.

And they're going to a Goth Con?! That's Mello and Misa's ELEMENT!! I'M SO EXCITED FOR THE NEXT CHAPTER!! :D

_Simplest first, its a general scifi/anime/fantasy convention. But a /lot/ of goth and horror related things on the agenda. _

_Truely? I thought it was important to establish that there might be people unconnected to Kira who knew about the deathnote. Taro's adventures with Ryuk continued up until Light appeared in the present day, for he's shown at the end of the pilot chapter gossiping with Ryuk about one of his latest books. So its obvious that there's some history there. And it puts Ryuk's theft of Sidoh's notebook and dropping it outside a school into perspective. He probably was hoping for another Taro to come along. _

_I'm really undecided, but I'm probably going to have Taro killed towards the end of the case. By the end of the chapter, you'll start to get a sense why. _

_The Takara bank case was AGES before him. It took place in 1978 exactly one year before L was born and is listed as a scary story from Taro's home town. In reality, it was another human who had found a deathnote. However, even if he had been alive, unless the case encompassed more than ten victims and one million dollars in property damage, it would not have shown up on L's radar. He would have missed Taro entirely because of his age and the Takara case would have been an urban legend._

**Kira Cases**

Takara Case - 1978 (resolved on its own)

Schoolyard Kira (taro) - 1986 (Light born same year) (Taro burns notebook but keeps eraser and befriends Ryuk)

Light and Misa - 2003-2004 (L forces Light and Misa to give up ownership)

Yotsuba case - 2004 (Misa fixes it so that Light will not regain his memories)

Divide the Deathnote cast into generations. This can be done in two ways, by decade or two decades they were born in, or by the associations they have with other characters. For the first division, I've listed years of birth as well so that you can calculate their ages, roughly. I'm not counting villains like Higuchi and Namikawa, one off characters like Penber and Misora, or SPK members Rester, Lindner, Giovanni ecetera.

At this time in the fic its about midsummer in 2004. Count backwards to birthyear for ages.

1. Watari (1933) and Roger (1939)

2. Soichiro (1955), Aizawa (1969) Aibur (1969) Mogi (1973)

2. L (1979) Matsuda (1978) Wedy (1974) Taro (1979) **NOMI BORN 1974**

3. Light (1986) **SAME YEAR AS ME!! MWEEEEEE** Mikami (1982) Takada (1985), Misa (1984) **I turned her age back for the fic, from 18 to 16. but technically she's here. **

4. Mello (1989), Near (1991), Matt (1990)

But if you mix them up by whom they associate with, you get this...

1. Watari and Roger

2. Soichiro, Aizawa, Mogi

3. Aibur, Wedy, L **NOMI STILL GOES HERE**

**Taro is somewhere in between these two**

4. Light, Misa, Mikami, Takada

5. Mello, Matt, Near

**Misa A. Chan observed...**

Mello and Misa are best buds.

I remember hearing about the eraser bit somewhere...

_I'm probably going to change the rules about the eraser somewhere down the line, it can't be an automatic get out of jail free card. That's probably what Obata and Ohba decided against using it in the main timeline. _

_I can't help thinking that if Kira never came along, Misa and Mello would have probably been kindred spirits. So I tried to portray them as getting along swimmingly._

**Sarah Freak added that...**

_Well I think this was a nice chapter...a lot more light-hearted then the last two at least (not that they weren't awesome to read as well). I have to say for an OC character, I'm really warming up to Nomi cause she can simultaneously be a strict butt-kicking doctor whilst showing compassion to Misa by wanting to be her sponsor. I can't wait to see where this goes in the next chapter. Great writing. Loved it!_

_I don't do OC's very often anymore. I used to do lots of them when I was just starting out. But if I'd had Zephly in **Heartsbond** and **Return**, and two shinigami that were made up already, that one more couldn't hurt. _

_I want to add, in case nobody picked up on it in previous chapters, Nomi is Wedy's GIRLFRIEND. XD. That's the reason why they're all cuddly and the bit with the rat tail at the swimming pool. That's also why Wedy insists on dragging Nomi out to help her and nobody else. The two of them know each other's movements so well that they don't need to speak to communicate._

* * *

"I think I needed this." Light said as he and Ryuuzaki made their way through the vendor floor.

Misa had been correct, more than any other part of the convention the vendor floor was crammed. Light's improving vision could make out, among other things, the colors on the costumes of the group of Trekkies arguing philosophy near the stage door, or the mockup staff weapons being sold at a Stargate themed booth. There were your horror freaks and your anime nerds and your obsessed Starwars fans.

The two vendors nearest them were selling Dragonriders of Pern t-shirts and Bleach cosplay costumes and plushies. The only way Light could make out the bleach booth were the green blurs of Urahara hats and the glitter of replica Kensaiken.

"I think you did too." Ryuuzaki agreed. "I think you needed to get out somewhere after what's happened. It will help you relax."

Light sighed, then looked up at the ceiling of the convention hall. "And it's a good day too." He eyed the Bleach booth. "Hang on Ryuuzaki, Sayu loves Bleach. Think we could get her a souvenir?"

"I don't see why not."

Light must have made quite the sight with the cane he was using, the loose slacks and crisp t-shirt he was wearing. The girl manning the booth giggled. "Hi there cuties, what can I get for you?"

Ryuuzaki didn't recognize the costume, but she was wearing some kind of white dress with black lining and tabi socks. Her hair was naturally red, there was no dye or spray. But she was wearing a pair of shiny blue barettes in the shape of a six petaled flower.

"aaaah, I don't watch Bleach that much, but my little sister Sayu likes some guy called." Light struggled to remember which character. "I think she said she liked Ukitake, whoever that is, do you have a costume of him?"

"Honey, do Quincy shoot arrows?"

"……"

"Of course we have him. We have costumes for every captain and lieutenant and half of the Espada."

"Whoever they are." Light grumbled.

"Here it is." The price made Light balk, but he did have enough. "here……" Light growled. Even counting money was difficult. Misa had marked each type of bill with a different colored post it. Light handed over the money and got Sayu a complete Ukitake costume.

"I got you something." Ryuuzaki offered Light a bag. Inside were two stuffed toys, a lion, and a turtle.

Light held each up to look at them. "You got him Kon!" Giggled the girl. "Oh that's so cute!"

Light's face started to twitch at the girl's squealing. "Light, Ryuuzaki, we have a bite." Matsuda said over the radio.

"Come on Ryuuzaki, squealing fangirls aren't my type." (1) Light dragged Ryuuzaki back towards the main group.

Across the vending floor Misa was dragging Mello all over. "oooooh! This one please!" She begged, indicating the Black Knights costume at one of the booths. "Its just like the one Kallen wears its so cuuuuuuttttteeee!"

"Tell you what, Misa Misa." The boy manning the booth swooned. "I have your most recent album, autograph it and I'll give you half off plus the Magic Knights Mokona plushie we're selling."

There was a squeal of glee from Misa. "OH REALLY!! Here!!" She signed faster than you could say "Zero" and came away with yet /another/ souvenir. "Kallen kicks so much butt she completely rocks I want to be strong like she is!!"

Souvenir number 4 of the day actually, and by now Mello was staggering under the shopping bags. "Can you….. let me pick the next vender?"

"Huh? Oh sure! Do you have something in mind." Mello pointed towards the video games. "I want to get something for Matt."

"Ooooooh, Guitar hero, grand theft auto 4, final fantasy, Kingdom Hearts……" In the trailer, Matt started drooling. "Metal Gear Solid, Naruto Clash of Ninja, Bleach Shattered Blade, oh please oh please, Dragonball Z Budokai PLEAAASEEEE!"

"Stop begging." Nomi clapped a hand on Matt's head and leaned in to grin fiendishly. She even /looked/ like she had fangs. "Its not a surprise if you BEG him to get something."

"Damn."

"Mello, I was actually wondering if you could get something for me? There's the annual Halloween party at the House this fall, could you get me a Hitsugaya costume?" Near asked hopefully.

"Lets get the chibi a hitsugaya costume." Mello said aloud. "That way he can finally become on the outside what he's been on the inside all along."

Misa cackled. "Alright, there's a bleach booth near the main group, /and/ there's a Naruto booth."

"You are not dressing me up as Sasuke." Mello insisted.

"How about Neji?"

"Maybe."

"Sai?" Misa suggested.

"Sai, if only because I know he's something out of Matt's wet dreams." Mello blushed, huffing.

"Speaking of which…… I /saw/ you liiiiiiimping!" Misa teased.

"Oh shut the fuck up." Mello grumbled before Misa spotted the stranger. "Matsuda, that guy wearing black, black hair dark eyes goth jewelery? How long has he been standing there?"

"Huh?" Matsuda's eyes darted over the crowd. "I don't know." He found the stranger. "Ryuuzaki Misa spotted somebody. We didn't notice him."

The man was in his twenties, long black hair falling loose around his shoulders. He was dressed in black from head to toe and if Light could see, he would agree that the man made casual look good.

Ryuuzaki watched him from a distance as he and Light made their way back towards Matsuda's group. Sure enough, there were lots of onlookers gossiping, Matsuda was hanging back while Aizawa, Soichiro and Mogi put on their best manners and gathered information.

Misa and Mello converged on the scene as well. "I'm going to try to engage him." Misa said smugly. "Don't worry, I know how to make an introduction."

"Good luck. Matt, turn on the video bug in Misa's hairpiece."

"Roger, we have visual contact."

"Oh hi there!!" Misa said in a bubbly fashion. "I was wondering if you knew what they were up to over there. Isn't it strange that there are police here taking notes? I didn't hear anything about a break in." She said sweetly.

"I've been watching the past half hour. Rumor has it that they're gathering information about Kira. They'll talk to anybody who knows something, observer, web developer, what have you. They've created quite a stir."

"I see." Misa's smile didn't abate. "That's such a beautiful messenger bag! Oooooh, you have to tell me where you got it."

"Huh? Oh, I made it myself. I'm surprised a model like you would like it. You're Misa Misa right?"

"Uh huuuuh, uh huuuuuh! And this is Mello, he's a friend of mine from America, who are you?"

"Taira, Hiyama Taira."

"Oooooooooooooooooooooh!" Misa squealed. "The famous horror author!!" She dug into her purse. "I got one of your novels earlier! I know this sounds strange coming from me but can I have your……" (2)

"Autograph? Yes, but keep it down." Taira rolled his eyes. "Unlike most celebrities I hate the limelight."

"Well duh, I heard that nobody but your family and your publisher know what you really look like. And only your family knows your real name!!" Misa squeaked.

"Kinda like Masamune Shirow?" Mello asked, knawing on a chocolate bar.

"Eeeeh, well that's the idea basically. I just can't stand people squealing." Taira said with a chuckle.

"got it." Matt said over the radio. "I just looked him up on wikipedia, Taira Hiyama is the assumed name of a horror author who's written six famous novels and a new series "Psychopomp" it's a story about a group of teens that are supposed to help the spirits of the dead pass on. The bad guy was a demon who used voodoo to murder people and seal their spirits in tablets, according to the story the demon only needed a person's name and a doll with a part of their body inside, such as hair or fingernails. The hero is named Takato, and his side kick is a fallen angel named Rowan."

"Sounds VERY familiar." Ryuuzaki thought for a moment. "Misa, keep at it. Ask him where he got the idea."

"You /have/ to tell me!" Misa insisted. "They're calling you the Tokyo Stephan King, but I've always wanted to know what inspired your novels."

"Hmmm? Oh, I use ancient myths and legends native to Japan. Psychopomp is the only exception. The main character kinda took after me, only he's too big a loudmouth. And I gave him the physical appearance I always wanted. You know, I'd cut off an arm to be a natural blonde!"

"Aw shucks." Misa simpered.

"Yeah, well, I felt like watching. When they finally catch him, I'm going to write a novel about Kira, his rise and his fall. Personally I think he's a jerk, and I can't wait to see him go."

"A novel……. Ooooooh! That sounds like it'll rock!" Misa squealed. "Oh but why a jerk?"

"People loved Hitler, look what he did. People loved Caesar, and while he was a great leader he was just bad enough to have somebody take a swing at him. Look at Tibet and the Chinese, look at how every despot in the history of man has claimed to be leading a revolution for the good of mankind, and every one of them advocated the wholesale slaughter of some body or other. Not only that, but Kira is also circumventing the law, you don't do that. You just don't."

"Wooooow, that's deep!" Misa squealed as she got her autograph.

"Well then." The autograph he gave her read. "Hiyama Taira, keep thinking deep thoughts Misa."

"Thaaaaanks!" Misa chirped. "Come on Mello, I need a big strong man to carry the packages."

"I'll trade you Taira." The man laughed as they went.

Ryuuzaki thought for a moment. Then he gave the order. "Track him, then take him with as little fuss as you can."

It was almost dinner, and Taira was debating getting Thai, Malaysian or Ethiopian. He counted on his fingers. "Eeeny Meanie Miney Moo, which one should I do out goes……"

Taira got blitzed, Nomi and Wedy managed to haul him aside and cuff him without a fuss. Taira then got a hood over the eyes. He stayed quiet the whole ride back.

When Ryuuzaki got back to HQ, Taira was waiting in interrogation. "I know you guys have cameras trained on me, but jeesh, could you be gentler on a guy? My wrists hurt like hell." He called out into the car as they drove. "Jeesh, you guys could use some manners!"

* * *

Ryuuzaki had his usual interview equipment set up, voice changer as well. "Mister Hiyama."

The man's body was slack against the restraints. He was seated with his eyes hooded by a thick blindfold, wrists cuffed behind him on the chair. A smile crossed his face. "You're L."

"I am glad we can dispense with introductions, do you know why we're here?"

"Let me guess, you think I have something to do with Kira."

"Do you?" Ryuuzaki asked, almost amused.

"I know how he's killing. The notebook right?"

"That isn't for you to know." Ryuuzaki paused. "If you had information, would you bring it forth willingly?"

The man laughed. "L, I am nearly as hard a man to find as you are. If I had intelligence, where would I bring it? The police have turned a blind eye, they aren't paying any more attention to Kira than an elephant does an ox pecker. The FBI got their agents slaughtered. Who would I go to with the information that it would be taken seriously?"

"The police would not have paid much attention no. Did you know that in 1978, a year before I was born, at the local Takara bank during a company takeover there was quite a stir. It seems the people who worked at the bank began dropping dead of heart attacks one by one. It was a scary story the kids told each other on camping trips and sleepovers, according to the story, the final employee to survive went mad, he committed suicide and left a mysterious note behind in Latin, 'Phasmatis Nex chaos per peniculus'" (3)

"I was not aware of that story no." Ryuuzaki said calmly. "I will look at the case file."

"Hmmm, alright I have your attention yes?" Taira's face curved in a mischievous smile. "Alright, how about I drop a bombshell? I'm the only person still alive who has survived having a deathnote used on them."

Half the room toppled over. "Is he friggin serious?" Mello dashed to the monitor. The other detectives looked at each other in shock.

"No way."

"He's bluffing."

"He can't be serious."

"WHAT THE FUCK!!" Light demanded. "How in hell……" He blanched.

"heh, I have a cabin out in Yellow Knife in Canada, by the lake. Look in the wall behind the pinewood cross, the one next to the mahogany display shelf. The cross has a wrought iron phoenix attached to it."

"How do I know that this is not a trick?" Ryuuzaki asked warily.

"Alright then, perhaps it would make you feel better at ease to know that I burned my deathnote when I was seven? I chucked the ashes to the winds and let the stupid thing go back to the hell it came from?"

The group paused to look at each other. "I believe I understand what has happened." Near said quietly. "A very young boy would dislike owning an item like a deathnote. He would be terrified at what it could do and try to get rid of it. But he probably thought that somebody else somewhere down the line would have a deathnote. So he kept whatever it was he used to survive to……"

"When Kira showed up, it wasn't hard to figure out what was happening. It didn't matter that I wasn't a criminal, I knew about the deathnote /and/ a way to counter its affects. I would have a target painted on my back." Taira said quietly. "I had never used my writing fortune to invest in a second home, but I found it was a good idea now, and picked a small, modest cabin near the lakes outside of Yellow Knife. Believe it or not they drive trucks over the lake in the winter. Its so cold the ice is that thick."

It wasn't going to do him any good, but Light turned to the monitor anyway. "He seems pretty relaxed." Aizawa complained. "How do we know it isn't a trap set by Kira?"

Light paused. "He trusts L."

"Are you certain of that Light?" Ryuuzaki asked, biting his thumb nervously.

"I want to try something." Light reached for the voice changer button. "Mister Hiyama, tell me, did you notice anything unusual at the convention?"

Taira started laughing. "I suspected that something was wrong when I saw the group of policemen. A writer has to listen to write well. I've learned that if you stand still in a crowd and don't move, people will speak like you aren't even there. Its an ability I've used a lot in the past." He chuckled. "I'd heard rumors of Misa being arrested on suspicion of being the second Kira. I wasn't very happy to see her, and her interest in the inspiration of my work seemed to me that she was probing for information. I thought at first that Kira might have somehow caught on to who I was, shinigami are, as a rule, gossips. Word of another human who had a deathnote might have finally reached him.

"But L was the greatest detective that ever lived, the only reason why he'd let a suspect like Misa go free was if he could gain from it. And L had to be the one who was pulling the strings because he was that last influential figure in the whole mess who had had contact with Misa Amane. Either L was dead, or he had Misa working for him.

"It quickly became clear that what you were doing was an information dragnet. Speaking with Misa might have alerted you that something was wrong. I spent the day trying to figure out what to do if you decided I was worth grabbing. My most logical course of action was to wait and let myself get captured."

"Why was this logical for you? You didn't know whether or not it was just Kira we were after or if it was every human owned deathnote."

"L doesn't lock somebody up who didn't deserve it. That's not in his character I don't think." Taira said calmly. Behind the blindfold his eyes were closed, his posture loose to keep him from getting sore in the restraints. "And if I resisted, would you have attacked me?"

Light waited for Taira to continue.

"No, it was better that I let myself be captured." Taira said with a warm smile. "I have nothing to hide and nothing to fear, and I'm useful to you L. You need somebody who knows how these things work don't you?" He asked, face curling in a small smile. "I'll bet, that you've either found evidence of a shinigami or had direct contact with one. Did they stonewall you perhaps? Shinigami tend to do that. How much of a stone wall depends on their personality. Mine never mentioned anything until it was almost too late to act."

"He has a point." Matsuda pointed out. "Light doesn't remember anything, Misa doesn't either. And Rem didn't tell us much."

"What do you want to do Ryuuzaki?" Soichiro asked. "Do you think that he's a threat?"

Ryuuzaki eyed the monitor thoughtfully. "I'm honestly not sure." He thought for a moment. Then he reached for the button. "Taira, I have a proposal for you." Ryuuzaki said over the monitor.

"Yes?" The man asked, a small smile on his face.

"If you can stay in there for 25 days, then I will allow you to join us." Ryuuzaki said calmly. "But if any member of the task force dies within that time, then we know that you are lying and a threat. I'll have you put to death." And he said it in a tone that would have had Light screaming in protest by then.

Taira laughed. He actually laughed, but his smile was bitter, his laughter saddened almost resigned. "By all means." He said quietly. "You want to make sure that I'm not here to kill you. A person's death can only be planned 23 days in advance, add two days as a buffer and you can be sure I don't mean any harm." He kept his body slack and relaxed. "And because my identity is not publicly known, I can disappear for a month or so easily."

"Your courage is admirable, but you're forgetting one thing……" Ryuuzaki decided to play with Taira's head a bit, to see if he could shake anything else out of the author. The more information he had about this new element, the better. He wanted to see more of Taira's personality over the next few weeks.

"oh?"

"Your hands may have erased what you've done, but they're still stained with blood. Inadvertantly or not you've still used the deathnote, and you've still taken a life. Perhaps, I should call your use of it manslaughter, it could change a needle in the arm to life in a cell."

Taira could have yelled, or protested, or struggled to get free. The dark haired man simply slackened further. "Don't think, that that thought hasn't torn my psyche to pieces enough, L. You are not telling me anything new. I've been dead before, and because of that I am not afraid to die. I've always wondered, if doing what I have, and losing my life and having it given back to me, if there's some divine reason to it all. Maybe I even deserve death. Whichever direction things take, I'll consider it the way things were meant to be, and follow that path to death or battle's end."

Light heard in his voice, complete and utter despair. He was broken, a relic left to be carried away in the wind.

"Twenty five days, then if you wish to kill me, you may. If you need me, then use me. I will be your sword and your shield."

"A little dramatic isn't he?" Aizawa asked wryly.

"Well he is a writer." Matsuda sweatdropped. "What are you going to do Ryuuzaki?"

"No." Light gulped. "He thinks that capturing Kira will give him a purpose. Even to the point where he's willing to become a pawn. And he's not afraid of death because he knows what it feels like. He feels guilty over using the notebook, so he's willing to capture Kira to rectify his mistake even if it means forfeiting his life."

Taro "Taira" Kagami hung his head, and it was a little boy who called out in his mind. _**Ryuk! Come read the story I wrote! Things are finally getting interesting!**_

**The boy was lacking in true valor, that was always my belief. Taro Kagami was acting out of despair, grief and guilt. Courage has none of these things. A truly courageous man would wish to capture kira, to give up his life doing so, out of true belief that what he was doing was right. Taro Kagami wanted redemption, had fallen into despair and helplessness. That's not courage, that's cowardice and fatalism. **

_He was willing to become a pawn, why? Was he hoping that he could cleanse his sins by capturing another sinner? Whatever the reason, it wasn't hard to realize that this one had been the first to write his fate in blood. But what a path he had taken? Sacrificing himself to the notebook to prove that it was genuine, was a unique move that only a brave and self sacrificing hero would make. _

_**Whatever the reason, Taro Kagami had become an elegant and beautiful thinker and fighter. An excellent pen and a reforged sword, to use a poetic metaphor. But any good story leaves you to wonder which direction its going to take. A truely good story keeps you guessing until the last page has been turned. (4) **_

* * *

1. homigawd too bad Light, because they sure like you!!

**Sasuke:** Light, by now I've learned just not to fight it. Let the women squeal, their vocal chords will turn raw and then they won't be able to scream anymore.

**Byakuya:** That is a rather harsh way to word it, but I wholeheartedly agree.

**Lelouche:** Forget letting them go raw, give me your Kunai Sasuke.

**Sasuke:** What are you going to do?

**Lelouch:** Hmmm, well I'm pretty sure if I threaten the fangirls with the kunai they'll stop squealing. I'll just say that I'll rip their vocal chords out and they'll shut up.

**Roy Mustang:** Somehow I highly doubt it. You realize Sasuke that YOUR stupid fangirl cut a lock off of my hair. She put it on a voodoo doll and I don't want to know what she did with it. Sasuke are the girls where you're from /all/ that crazy?

**Sasuke:** If its not Sakura its Ino. I almost ran out of things to use for a substitution jutsu. INO EVEN TOOK PICTURES OF ME AND NARUTO MAKING OUT!! ;.; My poor uke is too traumatized to come out!

**Byakuya Lelouche Roy:** The horror!!

**Sakura: **(hides the lock of hair behind her back) What? No I didn't! I'm all eyes for Sasuke!

**Ino: ** We have a better sense of decency than that!!

**All:** SURE YOU ARE!! GIVE ROY BACK HIS HAIR!!

**Light:** aaaah, I think I'm going to run away and hide now. These foreign fangirls are crazy!

**L:** I believe that is a good idea, there's a closet over here we can hide in.

**Light:** And you /know/ what else we can do in the closet right?

2. At the end of the pilot chapter, years later, Taro has become a writer. I needed a pen name for him, "Hiyama" Is 'fire mountain' a reference to Mount Fuji, which is a Holy Site in Japan. And the Taira refers to a ghost story in which a minstrel encounters the ghosts of the Ancient Taira clan of Feudal Japanese Legend. The Minstrel was asked to sing for them one last time before they passed on."

3. Latin, Phantasm of Death, spawns chaos with brush.

4. Misa and rem are narrating this last bit together. The bit in itallics just before that is Taro having a flashback.


	8. Questions

The Last Confessions of a Goddess of Death

**Questions**

Notes: Originally I was going to name the chapter "Darkness" which would refer to the fact that its night, but a lot of people misalign darkness and believe that it automatically means something evil, dark, anguished.

People sleep in the dark, and rest in it. After dark parties begin, lovers meet, families gather around the dinner table and talk about their day. Good dreams happen along with the bad.

Oh dear, poor Near. He gets to ask. "How do men have sex?" Birds and birds lecture…… (wuzzles Near) lol, Near questioning his sexuality. Weeeellllll…… sometimes it happens at an early age.

But at the end I decided that "Questions" was more fitting. Not only in referance to Near's question about sexuality and homosexualty, but also to Light and Ryuuzaki's questions about what memories were and weren't affected by giving up ownership of the deathnote.

But it was the final section of the chapter that made the title work, in which Taro explains to Matsuda the concept that words have power. By asking questions, you gain more words, you gain more power. If you declare 'I am Matsuda' you begin asking questions, 'who am i?' 'Why am I here?' 'what makes me me?' among them.

My mom kept nudging me to try watching a couple of episodes of Torchwood. HOMIGAWD!! JACK HARKNESS LIKES MEN!! Gwen walked in on him and Ianto doing MAN THINGS! You know MAN THINGS! FINALLY! A show where Yaoi is canon! (bawls and clings to harkness) MY HERO!! zomg do more man things! Do them with Doctor this time! DOOOOOO IIIIT! (chains Jack Harkness and Doctor to a bed, then commands) You, fuck him, NOW. I don't care who tops and who bottoms. DO MAN THINGS!!

* * *

It was several hours before everything wound down and Light and Ryuuzaki could be alone. Light leaned against his koi, curling up against him sleepily. "thanks for taking me out today." He said quietly.

"I've seen you suffering Light, I know you try to keep it quiet. Insomnia, night terrors….. I've seen how long it takes you to bathe, and that you shower so many times to try and wash away the pain. You needed a distraction, and Matt got his data, and we found somebody useful. Think you're tired enough to sleep well koi?"

"Yes, very." Light sighed drowsily. He snuggled closer to Ryuuzaki. "I just wish my eyes would hurry up and get better. I recognize your voice, your scent, the feel of your t shirt, the tone of /every/ silent pause. But I can only see your face when we kiss." His voice was filled with longing. "And I can't get rid of the memories, the STINK of alcohol and death."

Ryuuzaki stroked Light's hair tenderly. "I don't know what I can do. I honestly don't Light, what can I do to help you?"

"ryuuzaki?"

"Hmmm?"

"Just be here, and be quiet." Light said sleepily.

"Of course koi," Ryuuzaki ran a hand over Light's waistline.

"That's one more thing I wish I could see." Light said quietly, "I can feel it happening but my vision is still abysmal."

Ryuuzaki chuckled, holding two fingers in front of Light. "Let me know when you can see them clearly." He carefully moved them closer to Light's face.

"Right there." Light stopped the hand.

"Hmm, this far." Ryuuzaki tapped a spot on Light's arm about midway between wrist and elbow. "its getting better."

It was a game the two of them played, well, it was Ryuuzaki's attempts to cheer him up. By checking how far Light could see that day, and then tapping the place on Light's arm that indicated how much better his eyesight was getting. Light couldn't help smiling. "I appreciate the sentiment…."

"Any time." Ryuuzaki blinked, Light had pulled him into a kiss. Not the cute little chaste kiss on the lips, the full on passionate kind. He relaxed into the kiss, resting his hands around Light's shoulders.

When the kiss broke, Light leaned down, gently pushing Ryuuzaki on his back on the bed, then curling up against him.

"that's the first time you did that since……"

"Yeah."

* * *

If Light was still too traumatized for intimacy, Mello was taking /full/ advantage of the solitude to spend some quality time with Matt. "ACK! MELLOOOO!" Matt cried as Mello bodily tugged him away from Final Fantasy. "Mellooooo, that's the fourth time since we've….. mmm….. mmmm." Mello hauled Matt into a demanding kiss. "…… i…… I suppose." Mello was irrisistable to Matt, the one person in the whole world he could not say 'no' to.

Mello smirked, tugging his boyfriend over to the bed. "Kiss me damnit….." The two tumbled over and over in bed, clothes flying, kisses and nips landing. Mello clung to Matt, nuzzling him as the other applied lubricant and stretched him. "huuuurrrrrryyyy..." Mello whined needily through the prep.

Near, unfortunately, walked in just as Matt entered his koi. "Matt do you have the graph from ea…………….." Near stared.

Matt flushed, blink, blink, blink blink. "This is awkward." He mumbled clumsily, more focused on Mello than the chibi. His eyes were bleary and unfocused when he tried to look at Near. He'd much rather be looking at Mello right then. Mello was far more attractive to him right then.

Mello snarled, grabbing a pillow and chucking it at Near. "GET OUT CHIBI!! Talk about ruining the…… Near? Near?" Near had bolted from the room, not waiting to even /hear/ Mello yelling at him. He was listening outside, pressed against the wall and trembling.

"Come on dear…… before we were interrupted?" matt crooned. "Forget about Near." Matt was distracted with his koi, and really wanted to steer Mello's temper away from the littlest Wammy.

Near shivered, listening to their…… activity. He was curious, he admitted that. He had no distaste for what they were doing, other than the fact that they were just /barely/ in their teens.

Near was starting to have questions, he was about a year behind Mello, even if he looked tiny. How did somebody figure out if they were gay? How did they know? What exactly did Mello and Matt take pleasure in about……. Well……….? What did guys /do/ to each other in bed?

Mello hated him, mello probably wouldn't tell him anything. Matt was more likely to say that it wasn't Near's business, and he was still too young or immature to understand. L would answer him, and L was with Light. L also had no reason to lie to him about the subject either, so he wouldn't get a "When two men love each other very much……" excuse.

And Near didn't want to sit there and listen to them.

L and Light were curled up on the couch, just leaning against each other while Ryuuzaki worked on the laptop. "Soooo…… when you get better what kind of glasses would you like?" L asked curiously.

Light thought for a moment, "Metal frames, copper? Rust? Oval lenses?" He thought for a moment. "And those polarized lenses, the ones that turn dark in sunlight?" (1)

"Hmm, that would suit you just fine." L sighed, flicking through one of the data files. "Look at this…… well, listen. I found the Takara bank case that Taira told us about. It has, however, been garbled. The details sound more like an urban legend. And apparently Taira made a short story early in his career based on it. Further, his series Psychopomp seems to bear a strong resemblance to what we've heard so far of shinigami. Only he was placing humans with supernatural abilities in place of the shinigami. He dressed it up a little too, a bit of angst, a bit of metaphysics. But he's definitely talking about shinigami.

"The most recent volume of the series is likely also referring to Kira, creating a villain with the same powerset that became corrupted. The canonical explanation was that he'd delved into powers forbidden humans, and became corrupt and evil as a result. By going renegade he'd………."

"Ryuuzaki……" Near said sleepily from the door. "may I come in?"

"Certainly." Ryuuzaki said pleasantly. "What did you want to talk about."

"aaah…… Mello's questionable behavior with Matt has made me curious."

Ryuuzaki blinked. Light rolled his eyes. "Please don't ask for the birds and bees routine? I'm not even a father yet and I have to an……."

"When I ask for information about a topic, I do not expect irrelevant things like birds and insects to come into the picture." Near had a teddy bear under his arm. "I am not much younger than Mello. And yet he looks much older and I much younger. Because of this I am often underestimated by others, what I wish to know simply is how…….. emotionally, such relationships work. I fear my social skills are lacking severely…… (2)"

"Okay, so what part do you want to know first, the mechanics or the emotional subtlties?" Light sounded near exasperated, and a little amused.

Ryuuzaki sighed, scooching them over so that there was room for Near on the couch. He wrapped an arm around Light and whispered. "Patience love." Ryuuzaki seemed to be trying to figure out how to begin. "Your strongsuit Near, has never been emotional attachment or social habits. Its something that Watari and I have tried to teach you." He thought for a moment.

"Being gay is an…… instinct. Its something inside your soul that says 'I'd much rather be with a boy than a girl.' Some people hear that something much earlier than others, as Mello and Matt prove. Some people it takes awhile." He leaned over and gave Light a brief kiss.

"It took me the longest time to realize I didn't like women, once I realized that Ryuuzaki and I were a given." Light leaned against Ryuuzaki, slightly sleepy. "It was his mind that caught my attention first. That much I remember, he struck me as unusual."

"Even when you were Kira did you like L?" Near asked curiously.

Light frowned, chewing on his lip. "My memories of then are torn to shreds, while I was in the hospital I had a lot of time to think. What I noticed was that every bit of knowledge concerning the deathnote and its use was erased. Everything else was left alone, including my feelings for Ryuuzaki." Light's expression was rather awkward. "I knew everybody that I'd met on the team after my memory was erased. I knew Misa. But how I knew her was blurred, I couldn't remember, just that one day she wasn't there and the next she was. The same with Ryuuzaki, I remember the day he first appeared, but without the Deathnote my mind is a little fuzzy on the details."

"Interesting." Ryuuzaki eyed Light sidelong, he'd ask about that later, but then turned back to Near. "When you find the right person Near, you'll know. It's a…… feeling, just the emotional sense that the person you've met is 'the one.' Its chemistry."

"Technically it is not chemistry. There is no scientific indicator to determine……. Attraction? Or homosexuality?"

Light looked exasperated. "What's with you? Always thinking logically. When you're catching a criminal Near, everything has a purpose. When you're dealing with people things don't always have rhyme or reason. And when dealing with love, you have a million things you could use to decide who you want to be with. But its emotional, spiritual. I connect better with men, I connect better with intelligent men, and I connect best with Ryuuzaki, with whom I have been through enough action and drama to fill a couple of movies and a miniseries." (3)

"I see…… and the…… physical mechanics of sex……." Near flushed.

Light focused on the blurry white haired blob that was Near and thought. 'unbelievable, at least Ryuuzaki can take a hint.' "Why don't you go look for that? The Kama Sutra is a good place to start…… it also has the social skills needed to get somebody horizontal." Light suggested, really trying to get rid of Near now. The remark about social skills being a hint.

"I apologize." Near said quietly, getting up to leave. "Ryuuzaki, you picked a dangerously beautiful man for your equal. An angel and demon in one breath." And he was gone.

"Sorry about that. Near has…… problems, that make him a potent detective but make socializing with other people difficult." Ryuuzaki told Light. He leaned lazily against the other. "I find that interesting though, you remember me, but not how you met me. The same with Misa. You remember her, but not how you met her."

"maybe that's best……" Light sighed, sleepy. "Right now I'm more worried about what part of you would make the best pillow."

* * *

"Here." Matsuda entered the cell with Taira. "I was asked to look after you while you're in here. I brought you dinner."

"Thank you." Taira's restraints had been changed to the same ones Light had been in. The blindfold had been removed, but Matsuda noticed that he was still quiet. His muscles still relaxed and demeanor still calm. "L asked you to observe did he?" Taira asked with a wry grin. "He has surveillance cameras, he can do that himself."

"no, just to make sure you had food while you're in here." Matsuda sat down on the floor next to Taira while the man ate.

"You know, you're kinda pretty." Taira chuckled. "You seem out of place though."

"I feel like it. Aside from Light I'm the youngest of the team."

"I see. Sometimes youth can be useful." Taira sighed. "I think youth was what spared me from Ryuk. The shinigami."

"You never told me what yours was like." Matsuda frowned.

"Ryuk scared the hell outta me. But inside he was a little kitten I suppose, or a raven, like you might see in a trickster myth. All big sweeping black wings, and he looked kinda like something out of a tim burton movie." (4) Taira stretched his shoulders a little. "Part of the pact that a human makes with a shinigami is that they are allowed to kill that human whenever they like. I was 'interesting' to Ryuk, which is the reason why he stayed. But he said that he wouldn't kill me while I was a child, it didn't seem fair. As I grew, he liked my stories……"

"Like Scheherazade?" Matsuda asked.

"hmm? You mean 'tell me a story or I'll kill you?' Not quite that dramatic. (5)" Taira frowned, "It was…… more of the other way around. He was an inspiration. I'd run home from school calling for him to come read what I'd written, and how 'interesting' was it. By burning my deathnote, I made dissolving my pact with Ryuk impossible, because it can only be dissolved if I give up ownership. I remember the day Ryuk left……" Taira closed his eyes, mimicking Ryuk and recounting their conversation.

"Why did you destroy the notebook? You could just have given up ownership. When you burned it you made giving up ownership impossible, which means that I can still kill you if I feel like it." Taira mimicked. "To which I responded. 'you're too interesting Ryuk. You're my muse. If I gave up the notebook, I wouldn't have you anymore. I would be…… inspirationally boring.'" Taira laughed. "Oh reaaaaallly." Taira mimicked. "Then for such an interesting human, I will spare you enforcing my pact. Besides, you're a kid, you got a lot of things you have to do. Killing kids is boring. You don't get to see what they turn into. As humans go they're the most interesting of all. You don't know what is or isn't possible, so creatures like us Shinigami aren't unusual to you in the least.' And he paused. 'its bothering you again. The whole incident is a shadow on your soul. You could have given up ownership and not have that shadow.' To which I replied. 'Someday, somewhere, someone will pick up a deathnote again. And they may not be wise enough to stop. The world has some pretty nasty psychos in it. They say who better to catch a thief than a thief? Who better to track down humans with deathnotes than a human who has a deathnote? Who has knowledge of how it works.'" Taira looked up at the ceiling. "The next day, he was gone. No note, no reply, no explanation or warning. He came back once, or twice, when I started publishing, just to see how 'his human' was doing. He was probably watching the whole time knowing him."

"Woah……" Matsuda blinked in surprise. "So he won't kill a human if he thinks they're 'interesting?'"

"I guess……" Taira finally started eating.

The cell lapsed into silence. "You said I was pretty?" Matsuda asked shyly. "did you mean that?"

"Yeah, you're pretty. Naïve too. There's a look in your eyes that I like." Taira chuckled. "Something in there that I know I can trust."

"I guess you're pretty too. You're a lot smarter looking than me." Matsuda added.

"You're thinking under one error though, you said your name was 'Matsuda?'"

"yes."

"Matsu you aren't thinking as an individual. Think like Matsuda, don't think like anyone else, just think like you. Let me guess, you're the baby of the group? The one that doesn't quite fit in? It's a look about you, and I hear it in your voice. Don't compare yourself to other people, you aren't them. The instant you start thinking along the lines of 'I am Matsuda' rather than 'I am not as smart as whoever, or as charming as whoever' is the instant your personality will start to grow. Try thinking for a moment, try it. 'I am Matsuda.'" Taira encouraged.

"I am……. But that's stupid!" Matsuda groaned in frustration. "It's the most obvious statement in the world. Of course I'm Matsuda, that's my name."

Taira shook his head. "Do it. Names have power Matsuda, why do you think I chose 'Taira Hiyama' it means 'Fire mountain' and 'taira' as in the Taira clan. For me, a writing name is a glamour, a mask, what you need to do is the opposite. Close your eyes, deep breath…… try it again."

Matsuda blushed furiously. "I am Matsuda……" he frowned. "And I see no point in just saying that."

Taira was almost finished with his meal. "You probably won't, at least not for awhile. Just think about what it means. Words have power." He held up, awkwardly because he was handcuffed, the piece of bread that went with his meal. "For a writer, the meanings of things is important. Bread, for example, means prosperity. For example, 'give us this day our daily bread' it's a symbol of the bare essentials, not affluence, not lots of money, not that kind of prosperity. Prosperity of the spirit. Not necessarily having what you want, but having what you need when you need it. That kind of prosperity. Bread rather than cake, water or fruit juice rather than wine. Now I could describe the same character in a story with two different meals in front of him, a simple meal of fresh bread, water, and fruit. And that creates one image, but I could also place cake, greasy meats, wines, and other expensive food and it creates another. Words have power, for a writer they are the strongest power of all.

"So by declaring 'I am Matsuda' you declare that you exist. You are giving yourself power. After declaring 'I am Matsuda' questions start to flow. Am I smart or am I funny? Am I charming or am I innocent or am I serious? And on from there. They get deeper and deeper. Until eventually you get to big ones like 'What is my purpose' and 'Why did I end up where I did?' By answering each, you are further giving yourself power." Taira continued to reason.

"I don't quite understand all of it……" Matsuda said shyly. "Other than if Kira knows your name, he can kill you. When you think of words that have power, that's obvi…ous………" He started blushing furiously.

Because Taira had deftly moved so that he was just a few inches away from Matsuda's ear, he kissed the detective delicately on the lips before whispering, so softly that the cameras and microphones couldn't pick it up. The angle he was speaking from kept his lips from being read as well. "Then let me give you some power, Matsuda who is, my name is Taro Kagami."

* * *

1. I have a pair of polarized lens glasses with frames from baby phat. They're absolutely AWESOME when its summertime.

2. Being somebody with bipolar and mild Aspergers syndrome, I recognize many of the same traits in Near as is typical with the illness, and the same lack of social skills in Ryuuzaki. But while Ryuuzaki has adjusted well, after all, he's Ryuuzaki, Near seems to have adjusted just as poorly, manipulating the situation rather than trying to emotionally connect with the other members of the SPK. Age and wisdom have shown Ryuuzaki how to cope so that even if his social skills are lacking, his ability to work with others is not. Near's case appears to be more severe, the flat affect of his voice, his twirling of the hair (I do the same thing!), the fixation on toys in order to think and the inability to function on his own. Its reasonable to conclude that Near would come to Ryuuzaki for help, given the similarities between the two.

3. I couldn't resist.

4. In Deathnote 13 how to read, it was mentioned that "Edward Scissor hands" was a partial inspiration for Ryuk's physical appearance and range of movement. Somehow Ryuk seems the kind of shinigami that Johnny Depp would have NO trouble playing.

5. God this one was a headache to look up. Scheherazade is the main character in the legend 1001 nights. In the story there was a Sultan who married a different bride every day, slept with her, then murdered her the next day. Eventually his vizier runs out of women, and the vizier's daughter Scheherazade offers to go in place of another woman. Scheherazade marries the Sultan but on their wedding night she tells him a story so good that he cannot kill her, he must hear another. Over and over she tells him a story for 1001 nights, and finally he decides that he cannot kill her. 1001 nights was, coincidentally, butchered by Disney to create the children's fantasy story of "Aladdin" Ala al-Din Abu al-Shamat (volume 4) is the correct name from the original story. The tale of Sinbad is also from this collection. (volume 6) It was 1001 nights that made Jinn, (genies) popular in the public eye. (volume 1) 1001 nights covers 10 volumes and has been retold over and over for generations. Instilling an image firmly in the public mind. Matsuda is implying that Ryuk wanted Taro to tell him a story and would kill him with the death note if he did not.


	9. Tears

Notes: you know, I had to do something touching. I really did. I thought over and over, what stupid sappy song am I going to use at the end of the chapter. The Fray was too cliche, five for fighting and lifehouse were overdone, I couldn't think of anything van morrison that went with it.

And then I found this song from Crossing Jordan, from the first episode. The song is "Thirty Years of Tears" by John Hiatt. I blogged the song and lyrics, here... pernshinigami(dot)livejournal(dot)com/2008/10/09/

And there's a reason why my stream of "God Must Hate Me" has a fanart of Light and L kissing as the thumbnail! (GO YAOI!)

* * *

"You're going to play that stupid song over and over again?" Mello asked, it was the following morning, Light and Ryuuzaki were going over surveillance footage of Matsuda's conversation with Taira the night previous.

It was the 5th time that Light had played "God Must Hate me" by Simple Plan on the radio nearby." Ryuuzaki snickered, "Raito, perhaps you should turn off the……."

Light had his headphones on, tapping his toes in time with the music. "Oh dear lord." Matt sputtered in laughter as Aizawa and Soichiro entered the room. "Where'd you find this guy Ryuuzaki. Drama king" He shook his head. "This is….. the 5th time. OY! Pretty boy!" Matt hooked a leg through Light's chair and spun him around. "We have surveillance footage to go through. Matsuda had an interesting conversation la…….."

Light squeaked, flinching at the small spin and accidentally dropping his headphones. He came pretty close to falling off the computer chair. "Oh hell." He growled, struggling to keep his balance.

"Sorry to startle you man, but you've played that song /FIVE TIMES/ and we have work to do." Matt growled. "Try these headphones instead." He tossed Light a microphone headset. Which Light missed, it clinked onto the table next to him. Face twitching and blushing in embarrassment Light fumbled on the table until he found the set and put it on, glaring at Matt. "I can't wait for the day I get glasses." He growled.

"Deal, I'm head tech for now. Aibur had family business to attend to and Wedy is running an errand for Ryuuzaki. Mello, Near and I have GENEROUSLY taken up their workload, ergo you have to put up with our bad attitude."

Near rolled his eyes, pulling out a box of legos and taking his usual perch on the floor. He laid out the board and poured the bricks into the lid of the box. He started carefully clicking the pieces together. "Matt, have you gone over the footage."

"Yes, and can I just diagnose Taira with a case of the existential blues?"

"If you do not begin singing that annoying song, then yes." Near said absently. "Ryuuzaki have you looked at the footage?"

"Yes, Matsuda what did he whisper to you?" Ryuuzaki asked as Matsuda pulled up a hair, trying to mimic Matt, who was straddling his chair and resting his chest against the backrest.

"His real name. I don't think I should tell you."

"Of course not, he was trying to gain your trust." Ryuuzaki said boredly. "And from the angle he was standing in, you can't read his lips either. On ANY of the surveillance cameras, of which there are four. It does, however, give me a good insight into his personality."

"How do you figure?" Soichiro and Aizawa each took a seat as Matt started rewinding the footage for them to play.

"Charisma mister Yagami." Near said calmly. "I came up with the idea last night to have different members of the team interact with Taira while he's in the cell. By reviewing the footage we can get a better idea of what he's made of psychologically. Having a former deathnote user who REMEMBERS his adventures is very useful. As soon as we can confirm that he does not, in any way, have a working deathnote in his possession, I would certainly want to have him on the team. Ryuuzaki expressed this same intent when we first placed Taira in the cell."

Ryuuzaki sighed, watching as Near held up a tiny pale blue brick thoughtfully. "You must learn not to monopolize the conversation Near, please."

"Of course L." Near eyed the black haired man thoughtfully. And the look he cast Ryuuzaki was pure resentment.

Ryuuzaki groaned inwardly. Near had a tendancy to see things in black and white and a one track mind as far as his cases go. Near probably thought that /any/ ownership of a deathnote was a 'black' thing to do. Sure enough, Near started picking out black and white bricks from the pile. He started mixing the blue bricks with the black to form one column, black and white for a second, and white for the third. Further, the white column was built so that from the air, it would resemble a very sharp letter L.

"Near-kun, if you have problems of my choice of teammates, I suggest that you take them up with me in PRIVATE." Ryuuzaki growled.

"Who said I was being resentful? You just seem to ignore that fact that while Light was under the influence of his deathnote, he killed several hundred people. The only saving grace that I can think of is that he was under an outside influence, which makes for a mitigating factor should the Kira case ever come to trial. And Taira was under his right mind when he had his stint as a Kira, even as a child burning the notebook proves consciousness of guilt."

Light grimaced, flinching again, but he said nothing. Soichiro looked about to strangle Near. Ryuuzaki got there first, smacking Near on the cheek. "You need to learn diplomacy /NEAR/ Mello is number one in THAT. He understands human nature, you have no concept of the bonds people form with each other, it is your weakness and the reason why I didn't want you helping on a case, ANY case THIS soon." He glared. "Now to continue."

"I find Taira's behavior with Matsuda intreaguing, but not alarming. It's a very good insight into his character." Ryuuzaki pushed play, showing the other detectives what Matsuda had been able to coax out of him.

Matsuda blushed when the footage showed Tair……. Er…… Taro kissing him. "Light I wish you could see." Mello snickered. "The look on Matsuda's face is priceless!"

"That moment was /private/ Ryuuzaki. Couldn't you have edited the last bit out?" Matsuda asked sheepishly. A huge blush came over his cheeks.

"Well Matsuda hasn't picked up on the significance of that conversation." Ryuuzaki said thoughtfully. "Mister Yagami, Mister Aizawa, your thoughts please?"

"Aaah, on what?" Aizawa felt just a little stupid.

"Charming, intelligent, well educated…… I'm not sure what else you want me to…….."

"If the positions were switched, and Taira was Kira instead of Light, something tells me that he'd be even more dangerous than Light, Misa or Higuchi." Ryuuzaki explained. "The reason being is that, while I doubt his IQ is as high as mine, his grasp of philosophy and efficiency of communication, coupled with his charisma, would make him very dangerous if he were pitted against any one of us, he would be very effective as a member of the team not just because he knows what makes shinigami tick and how the deathnote works, but because his ability to communicate effectively and motivate other people. Should he pass the 25 day test, I have a job for him actually. What I'd like for each of you to do is get familiar with him over the next couple of days. Matsuda however, should be the only one to actually enter the cell with him. Since Taira seems to have taken an…… interest, in Matsuda we can play off of that."

"PLAY??" Matsuda blushed. Several dirty thoughts went through his head right then. Then his eyes crossed and he shook his head. Not that kind of Play! "As in manipulate? Ryuuzaki is that even necessary."

"Case in point, he's charmed Matsuda into his confidence." Ryuuzaki said absently. "What, are you afraid of getting kissed again."

Matsuda blushed to his hairline. "yes….. er….. no….. er… yes I mean I definitely don't want to get kissed again but I'm not afraid of anything I just…."

"Wow, just wow." Matt teased. "Tsk tsk, Matsu you are a naughty boy……"

"I AM NOT!" Matsuda kept turning redder and redder. "I just…… got the wrong idea for a second!" He said sheepishly.

Near ignored Matsuda, though Ryuuzaki knew he was listening. The little one had taken down the L tower, mixing combinations of white black blue and red blocks to create a wall.

Light watched the white pajama'd blur on the ground, focusing as hard as he could on trying to see the boy's features. He could hear voice, and actions, and Ryuuzaki seemed able to interpret what was going through his head. If only he could see expressions.

Light humphed at last, giving up. "I agree with Ryuuzaki about Taira's abilities. Sometimes its not the brainpower a person has access to but what they do with what they have. Ryuuzaki was reading his work last night. What were you trying to find out."

"I want to get a handle on his personality." Ryuuzaki said simply. "And see if there was anything I could hear between the lines of what he's already told us."

"I find it interesting that he managed to use philosophy the way he did." Light frowned. "But I think you're reading too much into it?"

"Oh?" Ryuuzaki quirked an eyebrow.

"I think he was flirting with Matsuda." Light said with a grin.

Matsuda's face turned as red as a tomato, from his collar to his ears. "He was not!" Matsuda protested.

Aizawa and Soichiro declined to comment. "Oh come on. Is he pretty?" Light teased. "I mean if he looks like a girl it might be easy for you to get the two confused. You know if you get drunk you could use that as an excuse."

Mello burst out laughing. "Or he could be in deniiiiiaaaal!"

"Denial like you and MATT?" Matsuda shrilled.

"Hey, if you got it, flaunt it darling. And I got it!" Mello said, fluttering his eyelashes in a come hither gesture.

"Alright, if you guys are done fooling around, I wanted to ask Taira a few things." Light said calmly. "Ryuuzaki, since I obviously can't see him I'm going to need you to watch his actions." Light pulled up his chair to the system Ryuuzaki used to speak with those in confinement.

He pushed the button. "Mister Hiyama, I have a few questions for you, to pass the time while you're obviously contemplating the meaning of life."

Taira snorted, he'd been curled up on his bunk. "Its Matsuda still blushing?" He chuckled.

Light smiled behind the microphone. "The rules, Taira, the rules regarding memory erasure and ownership, do you know any way we could use them to capture Kira?"

Light held up a finger to Ryuuzaki, telling him to be quiet a moment.

Taira snorted. "I've thought about it a lot. Deathnote possession is much deeper than, you have the notebook, do you or do you not use it. Those who have a notebook and use it frequently are prone to misfortune. I burnt my deathnote, therefore it is impossible to give up its ownership. As far as karma goes, you reap what you sow, literally, when it comes to the Deathnote. Think of something out of a horror movie?" Taira snickered.

The man paused, Light could tell from the silence that he was thinking. "Capturing a user of a deathnote is going to be a very difficult task indeed. You ask so that you can capture Kira? Remember that he may at any time relinquish ownership of his deathnote. The key is to press him, to hound him. Make him think the wrath of the true god has fallen around his shoulders. Like an animal in a trap he will thrash. He will do everything in his power to shake you. Ride him. But do not attack with brute force alone. Make him panic."

Ryuuzaki watched Taira stare at the ceiling and chew on his lip. "But when he is in a state of abject panic, capture him before he can relinquish ownership. When you do, speak to his shinigami. When he is caught, his shinigami will be completely within their right to kill him. Explain to him or her that you mean her no harm, but that you want their human alive for questioning. Ask them if they will wait, just a little longer, before taking Kira's life. Respect also, that the world cannot know of the existence of shinigami. He or she will know your true name at a glance L. If they believe that the existence of gods of death will be exposed to the rest of human kind, then he or she will kill you and every member of the investigation team. Make no mistake, when you capture Kira you will take that shinigami's deathnote. But remember that they are still, more or less, in control of the situation. You have their deathnote.

"Its like the fox and the pearl. The shinigami needs their deathnote back. They need it to live. While you have it, you are acting on their behalf. They have certain things they can and cannot do. If my shinigami returned, and I asked him to kill Kira, he would not be allowed to do so. Not on my say so. If he felt like doing it, he would. But a lot of shinigami out there are lazy. If Kira told his to kill you L, the shinigami is in no way obliged to do so. Likewise if Kira's shinigami said "I found L." if Kira asked for your real name, the shinigami would be unable to give it to him." (1)

"The question is balance, L. If you push he will flee. The success of your chase depends entirely on pacing the momentum you send him fleeing in and throwing up the right hurtles. Does this make any sense to you at all?"

"I suppose." Light as Light would have said 'I guess' but by then he knew Ryuuzaki so well that he knew how to act like him behind the microphone. "Do you believe as I do that there are several Kira?"

"If there were two, then yes, there must be more." Taira agreed. "There can be up to 6 human owned notebooks at once. Two Kira were removed by yourself in your investigation. But let me hazard a wild guess. When pushed to hard both of them relinquished their notebooks and won't answer your questions because they can't. Before you could exact a confession they gave up ownership and any hope you might have of finding out about Kira dissolved with their memories." Taira chuckled.

"I was tracking media progress of the case, listening carefully from the moment of your initial broadcast in Kanto L. Authors are many things. We watch society, and become very good at reading the movements and hearts of mankind. When you lured Kira out into the open, I had the sense that something incredible was about to happen. This was history commencing. A good author can read more than stories. What I saw in the news and in the broadcast of the second Kira's announcement. What I saw was a slugging match between titans. An intellectual dogfight."

"Thank you for the complement." Light had a small smile on his face. "Is there any way to retrieve the memories of someone who has given up ownership?"

"Hmmm, dunno. I know that after 490 days, if your deathnote is still intact but you haven't touched it, you will instantly lose ownership. Shinigami tend to do things in fours and sixes. Six is universal, but 4 is japan's unlucky number. They know many languages, but most of them would not go so far as America or Europe. They have no use for anything further than they can fly from. Almost every rule you will find for the deathnote that relates to time is in 4's and 6's." He frowned.

"there is one thing that I DO remember." Taira frowned. "I asked Ryuk if there was any way that I could still remember him and /not/ have the notebook. He said that if I gave up ownership, that I'd remember him again if I touched the exact same deathnote even if it was years later. However, as soon as I dropped the notebook I'd forget again. I thought that burning the book was a better option. I liked Ryuk, he was a big goofball, for a big scary god of death he was a lot of fun to be around."

Light frowned, glancing over at Ryuuzaki.

"Don't you dare."

"It might HELP though!" Light said anxiously.

"you can't even read a book Light. You touch that thing and Kira gets you again." Ryuuzaki pointed out. "What will it prove?"

"I want answers." Light said quietly. "Why did this happen? How? How could a person rot so bad that they DO something like what we're seeing? And trick or coerce five other people into doing the same?"

"Or perhaps our Kira bug is jonesing for a fix?" Near said dryly.

"Near……" Ryuuzaki's tone was warning.

"I think what Near was /trying/ to say is, how do we know that this is not what Kira was hoping Ryuuzaki? Light? That Light would be so anxious to set things right that he would make the mistake of touching the notebook again, just to see if he can 'find' anything to help him." Mello pointed out. "I'm a hothead, but even I know when there are alarm bells going off."

"This is all a moot point unless we can catch Higuchi /and/ locate his notebook." Aizawa ventured. "Taira has a good point, we could try to catch him, but odds are he'd either die, give up ownership or do something else crazy and we lose our evidence. Hell, for all we know Rem could be planning on killing Higuchi out of revenge the instant we catch him. If Rem and Higuchi are fox and the human who stole the fox's pearl, then what's she going to do when she gets her pearl back?"

Misa had entered on the 'if rem and higuchi' carrying a tray of coffee. "I didn't…… get that vibe from her." Misa said quietly. "Maybe she'd kill Higuchi, but I wouldn't blame her if she did. He's just……. Ick." Misa made a face. "Coffee." She set the tray down, and looked rather put out.

"What's wrong now?" Ryuuzaki rolled his eyes.

"Aside from passing notes with Rem and kissing up to your main suspect I don't really get to DO anything." Misa stuck her tongue out. "I'm not helpless you know! And I am just sitting there!"

"Good, you can take him food next." Ryuuzaki's face started to twitch.

"Actually that might not be that bad an idea." Near agreed. "He knows who Misa is and that she's working with us. Maybe she can get something out of him."

"THAT'S NOT WHAT I MEANT!" An empty Styrofoam cup beaned Near on the forehead.

The boy flinched, eyes crossing for a moment before he retrieved the unused cup and started sorting legos into it. "Why are you complaining Miss Amane, we could have just sent you home. You could leave any time."

"You're pulling my LEG." Misa hissed. "I thought you were nice but you're really just a big baby!" She scolded Near. "I want to help out. After meeting an actual God of Death, do you really expect me to go home with my tail tucked between my legs and let you boys have all the fun?"

Ryuuzaki had considered it a ten percent chance Misa would stick around at most. He quirked an eyebrow. "Miss Amane, besides acting and modeling, what talents do you have?"

Misa blushed, but she stayed quiet.

"I've noticed your…… disorganized attempts to improve yourself. Your show business resume is impeccable. You would probably be a very good spy but as things stand you aren't very good with much else. So I have an idea for you. Come up with ten talents that you have that don't have to do with the entertainment industry and can also be useful to the investigation."

Misa flushed. "ARE YOU CALLING ME USELESS??"

"I did not insinuate that no." Ryuuzaki said calmly. "I am trying to make you think. The greatest asset anyone has is their head." He walked past Misa, patiently tapping her on the head with his clipboard. "Pardon me for saying so, but you have the attention span of a knat."

Misa turned red in the face and took a deep breath before shouting. "JERK!" She then snatched the clipboard and smacked Ryuuzaki upside the head with it before storming out in annoyance.

Matsuda burst out laughing. Mello giggled and shook his head. Matt sighed. "you were asking for that one Ryuuzaki." Light blinked. "Did she just……… /hit/ Ryuuzaki?"

"On the head with the clipboard." Matsuda giggled. "Poor Misa, I know how it feels thinking that you're completely helpless." He sighed. "Go easy on her Ryuuzaki. I think she blames herself for what happened to Light."

"In many ways she was to blame……" Near yawned. He paused, a castle slowly taking shape with the legos. He frowned and flicked a pink block from the top, replacing it with a yellow one. "Think about it from her point of view, she wants to be helpful. But there's nothing she can do."

Ryuuzaki frowned. But Light spoke up. "She's a very good actor, very accomplished. Ryuuzaki, you use Aibur like a spy right? Wedy too?"

"Yes, I stick out like a sore thumb. Typically Aibur and Wedy do the bulk of my surveillance work." Ryuuzaki replied.

"Any chance they would mind an apprentice?" Light asked, he tapped the cap end of a pen someone had left out on the table, clearly thinking.

"I can ask." Ryuuzaki frowned, nibbling his thumb for a moment. "Nomi has already taken an interest in Misa. Made friends with her pretty quickly. I think she feels sorry for her." He paused. "What are you thinking?"

"The saying is 'play to your strengths.'" Light said thoughtfully. "The problem with Misa is that she never thought about what those strengths might be." He chewed on his lip. "Alright, so who visits Taira? I'm assuming from Misa's reaction that she's not likely to help you for awhile Ryuuzaki."

"No, I don't think she will."

"Give her time to cool down." Light sighed.

"Well this meeting is over for now. I'll ask Wedy if she's willing to train Misa in surveillance." Ryuuzaki rolled his eyes. "We can't keep punting her back and forth from thing to thing."

* * *

The meeting broke up. Not for the first time Soichiro found his way to Nomi's infirmary. "Nomi…… I wanted to ask about."

"Light?" Nomi guessed.

"Yes," Soichiro finished.

Nomi handed him a mug of coffee. "I can't discuss particulars Mister Yagami. You're his father, but he's old enough that if he doesn't want you to know something medically, he has the right." The medic sighed in disgust. "He's been hiding away a lot. I really think there's a lot he doesn't talk about. I /am/ qualified for counciling, but he hasn't come to me asking." She sighed, looking out the infirmary window. "Do you want my opinion as a person rather than a doctor?"

"If you're willing to offer it."

Nomi blew on her own mug, hojicha tea with a hint of honey. "Light has been hiding away from everyone else but Ryuuzaki. Truly? I think he doesn't want anybody worrying about him. You Japanese are so honor obsessed. Its ridiculous. You do notice though, that he appears a little /too/ clean."

Soichiro stared into his cup. "I did notice."

Nomi took a deep breath before venturing. "Rape victims very often feel unclean, like there's an invisible layer of grime that they can't wash off. Some wash repeatedly, several times a day." She frowned. "I think that reaction was delayed for Light. He was in a hospital bed, weak as hell, head pounding. Soon as what happened sank in." She left off.

"He'll feel better, won't he? Eventually?"

"That Japanese honor again." Nomi scolded, pointing the teaspoon at the elder Yagami. "Some do, some don't. Some recover, but still have their inner demons, as twer. Even if this was an ordinary rape case it would be harder than treating a woman. As his doctor I can't tell you specifics. But I can give you my nosy world view on the subject. If you're willing to hear me lecture you."

"A lecture is better than nothing Ms. Nomi." Soichiro felt like he was being scolded by a school teacher.

"Alright, society is biased in favor of women and trauma, depression, whatever. Its alright for women to express their feelings because woman have long been considered the weaker sex. A woman gets raped she gets pity, offers of condolence, counciling, the police bend over backwards to get justice for her. The incorrect assumption is that rape is something that happens to women. That's just not true. Men who are raped very often sit on it. They don't talk to anybody because men are supposed to be the stronger sex. A weeping man doesn't get as much sympathy. Plus there's homophobia making it worse. They'll scream over and over 'I'm not gay' as if it counted. It doesn't. Rape is about power. Sexualty doesn't enter into it. Statistic for statistic, men are far less likely to report being raped or get counciling for such. What does that say about the state of society?" She asked ruefully. "Add in the case, the…… unique nature of his condition."

When the elder Yagami didn't answer, Nomi looked up. "If its any consolation, Soichiro, no matter what way you look this is a fucked up situation." Her face twisted into a wry grin. "On the other hand, two weeks until we can fit him for glasses."

"That will be a relief." Soichiro didn't sound like he meant it.

"To him it will. I've seen him, he keeps squinting at people, trying to see what they look like, just for the sake of seeing. I even saw him hold a book an inch away from his nose just so he could read it." Nomi shook her head. "Tsk tsk, Soichiro he'll come out alright eventually. He's tougher than you give him credit for. If he hasn't gone stark raving mad by now, I do believe his odds are good." Nomi winked at the older man. "You just watch!"

* * *

Light had since slipped into the shower, letting the hot water run over his body. He scrubbed his hair until his scalp hurt and his hair was more tangled than when he went in. Then came the soap, over and over the same parts of his body. The washcloth left his skin raw and sore.

He threw the washcloth down in a snarl. "DAMNIT!" The next words that left his mouth would have made a sailor blush. Light threw the bottle of shampoo, he threw the soap and anything within reach that he could wrap his fingers around. Including the shaving razor.

Light's tantrum was halted when crimson ran down his fingers. "Shit!" He hissed intelligently. He scooped up the thrown washcloth and pressed it to his cut fingers.

"Light?" Ryuuzaki poked his head into the bathroom half an hour later to find Light sitting in the shower, knees drawn up to his chest, nursing his cut fingers numbly with the washcloth. "Your hand……" He crooned softly. "What happened?"

"I threw the wrong thing." Light said numbly. The pile of shampoo bottles, soap, brushes and washcloths at the far end of the bathtub stood testament to that. Including the shaving razor that had cut him.

"I can see that." Ryuuzaki didn't seem to care about the water. He gently pulled the curtain aside.

Light looked up when Ryuuzaki took his cut hand, kissing the knuckles and twining his fingers with Light's. "This can't go on Ryuuzaki." Light sniffled, his tears had mingled with the water. That was one more thing comforting about bathing. Nobody could see how sad you were.

"No. It can't." Ryuuzaki seemed to have been waiting for Light to say something like that. "What do you want to do?"

"I don't know. What do I do?" Light asked pathetically. "Where do I go from here….."

Ryuuzaki got soaked doing it, but he climbed into the tub next to Light, still fully clothed. "Here……" He turned off the water. "That's a place to start. Come on, get up." Ryuuzaki guided Light gently up off the floor of the tub. "You know, Nomi is a councilor as well."

"It's the stupidest things that tear you apart. I bathe and bathe and I can't…… /feel/ clean!" Light shuddered. "I keep having nightmares, and I know, I /know/ that not being able to see is making it worse!" The two of them were dripping wet. Light reached for the towel, but Ryuuzaki got there first. The soft terrycloth enfolded him, and Light bowed his head, the tears coming from his eyes clearer now that the water was gone. "You're soaked too, your clothes." Light blushed.

"I'll have to lose them won't I?" Ryuuzaki purred, planting a kiss on Light's forehead. It didn't take long for the detective to slip out of his own clothes. He leaned in to kiss Light gently, on the lips this time. The other reached out to eagerly return the kiss, the two of them tumbled end over end and Light was up against the wall, giggling like a school girl and putting hands everywhere on Ryuuzaki's body he could reach. Thier lips left each other only to breathe. Light was seriously enjoyin this, maybe he and Ryuuzaki could have sex for the first time since the... incident.

Ryuuzaki chuckled behind their locked lips and leaned closer, running a hand down Light's hip, down his butt, over his thighs.

Thank all the powers that be that Ryuuzaki saw the warning signs before Light did. The flashback dominated Light's mind and he screamed, buckling against the wall and dissolving into tears. Ryuuzaki caught him as he fell. Light's eyes were blank and dark with fear and pain. Ryuuzaki's shown with love and tenderness. The flashback faded, and tears in his eyes Light looked up at Ryuuzaki, blinking the hot salty liquid from his worthless half working eyes. And it happened, Ryuuzaki smiled at him, smiled. Light threw his arms around Ryuuzaki and let the detective carry him to the bed and retrieve the first aid kit. (2)

Light stayed quiet while Ryuuzaki carefully cleaned the cuts. "Its alright Light." He said as he carefully put bandaids on the younger man's sliced fingers. "What you just did is normal."

"So falling to the ground in a fit of panic when all you really want is to fuck your boyfriend is normal?" Light demanded. "Lets get dressed, I'll find Nomi."

Ryuuzaki dressed into something clean. Light dressed as well, then rubbed his forehead, "I should have dried my hair too." Or just go take another shower, which he was very tempted to do after that flashback.

Ryuuzaki steered Light away from the bathroom. "You're going to be fine." He reassured Light. "Go, Nomi's now." He urged.

Light bit his lip. "you're right." It was very, very hard to turn his back on the shower. It was very, very hard to admit that there was something wrong here. That he was NOT alright, that he needed help. Light was prideful, but Light was also logical. The situation he was in defied logic.

Ryuuzaki looked behind him, once, to make sure Light was following before setting off through the corridors. Light followed, slightly more cautious though.

It didn't take long at all for the two of them to make it to Nomi's office. "Aren't you coming in with me?" Light asked worriedly.

"I asked Wedy to install surveillance equipment in Yotsuba's main office. I'm going to check on her. Don't worry, you'll be fine."

Nomi's office had two parts to it, one meant for rest, meditation, relaxation. It didn't look at all like what you'd expect the office of a councilor or a shrink or whatever you called the medical professional that gave you a reality check.

_Is this a place I can rest my poor head  
To gather my thoughts in sweet silence  
Is this a place where the feelings arent dead  
From an overexposure to violence  
And is this a place I can slowly face  
The only one I truly can know_

The lights were low, with plain white and blue candles on a rich red bookshelf, the heavy low kind that you displayed items on. A radio sat next to the candles churning out music, some sad oldies song. The shelf was strewn with other items. An angel and cruficix sat next to a statue of buddah and a mandala hung behind it. A resin chinese dragon stood guard over the room, a smooth soapstone lion curled lovingly with its mate at the far end of the shelf.

Light moved closer, inspecting the figures as best he could, identifying each by touch. He ended at the candles, just bending to stare into their glow.

_These are tears from a long time ago  
I got these tears from a long time ago  
I need to cry 30 years or so  
These are tears from a long time ago_

The scent of sandalwood incense drifted on the cool air, coming from a censor and chain, the sort one would see in a catholic church. There were two flame lamps on a tall bookshelf at the other end of the room. There were several blank leather journals on the same shelf. Some kind of Indian carving, depicting a half human half elephant, sat between the flame lamps. An obsidian mirror was on the shelf above the lamps. Several old fashioned volume books were mixed with ordinary or unusual, more modern titles. The lurid colors of a trio of pulps, something called "A gift of dragons" that was in hard cover. And how could a grown woman read Harry Potter? It was weird.

Light inspected each shelf and its contents in turn, leaning in to try and see himself in the stone mirror. It didn't work, it was too dark for him to see his reflection, and the stone was black, how could one see anyway?

_Oh darling, oh darling, say unto me  
Where have you been all my lifetime  
Well I have been swimmin the seven sad seas  
Fair women have thrown me their lifelines  
And I just pulled them on to the waters dark grin  
Id have warned em but I didnt know_

Light found pictures hung near the window, some of them were photo's. If he leaned in really hard he could see Nomi and Ryuuzaki as children. Nomi was covered in dirt, so was Ryuuzaki, the two of them trying to plant a flower bed. There was something by Georgia O' Keefe, some kind of flower. There was a Feng shui mirror, a Mardi gras mask of a tiger. Some kind of carved tribal mask, norse maybe, or celtic, or something from that era.

And in the center Light found a portrait. When he leaned in close enough, he could just barely make out the contents of the picture. Ryuuzaki stood with Watari and Mello, Near and Matt. There was another older man that was probably Watari's assistant, Aibur was there, dressed like something out of a black and white film. Nomi had Wedy in a noogie, the both of them laughing. But it was Ryuuzaki that caught Light's attention. He had a cookie dangling from one side of his mouth. A lopsided grin was on his face and his eyes looked alive and bright and he was smiling.

_These are tears from a long time ago  
Ive got these tears from a long time ago  
I need to cry 30 years or so  
These are tears from a long time ago_

There was a low Japanese table in the center of the room, set up with a teakettle and an electric tile to heat tea. The kettle was chugging away, the old fashioned copper kind that shimmered like liquid fire in the low light. Cups were set out waiting for use. Cushions and mats were arranged around the table. No formal desk to be found anywhere in the room. No stereotypical leather couch.

_Well, Ive cried me a river, Ive cried me a lake  
Ive cried till the past nearly drowned me  
Tears for sad consequences  
Tears for mistakes  
But never these tears that surround me_

"I was expecting you Light." Nomi came out of the room adjutant to the main one. She was carrying a journal under her arm, Light could barely make out a fuzzy blue blob in her hands. "I'm glad you finally decided to talk."

"How, how did you guess?" Light asked, arching an eyebrow. "Ryuuzaki didn't tell you did he?"

"No, but I have a way with reading people." Nomi chuckled. "You're a reasonable sort Light. You tried taking this on on your own and you failed. The only logical solution would be to actually connect with somebody besides Ryuuzaki for the first time since this happened and talk about what's happened. I know its been hard for you to actually say anything, you must have felt so horrible holding everything in."

"It couldn't go on." Light brought his cut hand up to his face for inspection.

Alone in this place with a lifetime to trace  
And a heartbeat that tells me its so

"No, it couldn't." Nomi said gently.

"How do I start?" Light asked, taking a seat on a thick black cushion near the table. The room felt so comfortable, like he was walking into a space both welcoming and sacred.

"Anywhere Light. Anywhere you need to talk, or think, anything that's bothering you." Nomi pulled up a rich goldenrod yellow cushion, very bold but very simple.

_Ive got these tears from a long time ago  
These are tears from a long time ago  
And I need to cry 30 years or so_

Light was quiet for several moments. He sipped the tea he was given, gathering his thoughts. "I suppose, I could start with……"

_These are tears from a long time ago  
These are tears from a long time ago  
Ive got these tears from a long time ago_

1.The fox and the pearl is an old folkstory from Japan similar to stories of leprochans. A human stole the fox's pearl. And the fox must do whatever the human tells it to. But the instant the human gives back the pearl, the fox kills, attacks, or otherwise maims the person who took his pearl in retribution for its theft. The human would have to reason with the fox to spare him his life.

2. I was trying to recreate and reverse the scene where L dies in "Silence" only instead of Light catching Ryuuzaki and watching him die, Ryuuzaki catches Light and takes care of his boo boos.


End file.
